2011- Moving on

I posted a retrospective last week in a sort of last ditch effort to put something out. It feels like lately I just don't have the words and with blogging it's kind of your deal to have The Words.

I've had A Year.

This year I watched my baby grow into a child. I listened to him sing and take on the world, no longer peering behind me. I've had to learn when to let go and when to hang on, the push and the pull of parenthood. This year I came into myself a bit more as a mother.

This year I lost some people special to me. Some gone from this world on a whole, some simply gone from my zip code. I've felt alone, here and there. This has reminded me to cherish the people that are present, and to remain in the present.

This year I became single again. The tan line on my ring finger has blended in with the rest of my skin. In getting divorced it feels as though a large part of myself has died and is still waiting to be reborn. I'm hoping 2012 brings a little bit of that.

This year I've found a comfort in friendships and a gratitude for them that I cannot fully express.

This year I pulled myself out of a job I loathed and put myself into one that, so far, I love.

This year I survived. I adapted. Even when I thought I wouldn't, couldn't.

I'm looking forward to 2012 but I cannot say that 2011 was all pain and heartache. I am grateful for it, for making me more resilient and focusing my gaze.


Goodbye 2011, I'll send you a postcard.

A Retrospective

Hopefully once the holiday season dies down I'll be able to resume writing more. For now however, I've decided to revisit some posts from the last year. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I've enjoyed writing them.

* Breaking up is hard to do.

* In the Jack Realm-
- Jack starts becoming his own person.
- He can find his own way in the dark...
- The Pre-K (K) Takes My Baby Away
- Dear Jack,
- Jack and the Beanstalk
- Dear Jack (II),

* A local tragedy strikes a chord.

* I still try and understand my place in the freakiest hood of all- motherhood.

* On being happy.

* Nobody likes you when you're twenty-threeeeee.

* My Birth Story

* A dear friend of mine becomes a first time father.

* My very first guest post.

* My wheels on the bus spin round and round, and round.

* I say goodbye to someone special.

* Trying to find a place that feels like home again.


And, of course, some of my favorite songs (since I missed yesterday's Music Monday post) that either accompanied a post or just plain rocked my world-












And there you have what the last year looked and sounded.

Sometimes blogging is a cheaper therapy

I've been a bit absent on this blog. It seems like all I can muster is Music Monday posts since music seems to be the only thing that inspires me.

The last month or two have brought a lot of change. There's obviously the divorce, the holidays and then the starting of a new job. Sometimes I feel like I can barely keep up with anything anymore.

I'm tired.
I'm running on borrowed energy and the good will of a few very amazing people that have kept me going through this all.
I'm a bit depressed these days.

I'm also incredibly bitter underneath it all. Something that I've realized fully today after a phone call with my mother that left me unloading a bit of the past resentment on Colleen, who I luckily have to hear me out in my fits of frustration. I didn't realize it until afterward, when I went into my room and let out a sigh and a "I'm so angry". And I am.

When I was married, Greg's family pretty much adopted me as their own and I felt, for the first time, stable in a family. Thankful to be around such wonderful people and even though I felt like the stray, mangy dog they took in out of the kindness of their hearts, I had a place to call home. A home, something that was broken and problem fueled in my life before them.

And now I'm right back there. I feel alone and resentful that my own family doesn't quite get it. That little "cheer ups" or "it'll be okays", seem to suffice after YEARS of not really being there. I feel a bit sad that I feel closer and happier around people who aren't blood, who I'm not related to than people that have known me since I was born. I am thankful for those people, but when you think of your family and the first thought you conjure up is "I'd rather not get into it...", you can't help but feel like something is wrong.


And it is. Everything lately just feels wrong. There are good moments of course, but I feel adrift.

In the meantime I work, I try and be all that I can be for Jack, and I hope, with all my might, that this too shall pass.

Music Monday

Edit- So apparently I spaced an entire day (I blame it on the shitty sleep I've been having) and posted this on Tuesday. Nice Amanda, reaaaall nice.

The fact that the post preceding this one is a Music Monday post is kind of a bummer since I woke up this morning with grand plans on updating and writing until I couldn't anymore. And then the endless rain and cold weather came and with it some warm pho soup and some cuddle time with Mister Jackobean. So the day wasn't a waste, but as far as this little blog goes it would seem so.

Anyway, to make up for it I've decided to post THREE videos. All of which I just can't stop listening to and accompany me every time I get ready for work lately.

1. This one is definitely worth watching. It's just cheerful and infectious.


2. I smell a new obsession (I had a hard time choosing this one over this one).


3. Just plain purdy...


Happy listening.

Music Monday

Last week the roommates, Jack and I went to see The Muppets. Jack has just reached the age where taking him to the movies is totally doable and actually pretty fun. The pure wonder of it for him transfers over to me and I've found myself an enthusiastic movie goer again (I used to prefer renting and staying at home, and usually I do, but there are just times when it's better to make it a thing and go to the theater). The Muppets was a great flick but what made me truly love it was the moment Jack grabbed my hand and held it through this song-



I tried to not cry, who cries at a Muppets movie?! But resistance was futile; a connection was made. I hope he'll remember it as much as I will.

Phone Blogging (image heavy)

Usually when I get lazy on the blog I tend to compensate with taking pictures of stuff with my phone. I think it started as a sort of "oh, a picture is worth a thousand words. Surely this must inspire SOMETHING later!" But mostly it just turned into "meh, these are okay placeholders because I'm too fucking tired/laundry needs to be done/busting my ass/adapting. So here's some pictures because I'm tired/need to give myself a pedicure in a bad way/drinking wine and, you know, getting progressively into THAT.

Three times a day...


A Thanksgiving project Jack and Greg worked on. They had to make a turkey out of random things found at home. It appears they got good use out of their backyard (I particularly love the teeny twig legs).


Colleen made some mulled wine for our Thanksliving feast and it made the house smell amazing!


I try not to play favorites with the cats in the house because they're all sweet in their own ways, but Stella. STELLA! STELL-UHH-AAAAHH! Ohhh STELLA!...I'm sorry. Anyway, Stella sort of bewitches me the most. She is a little lovebug, hippie child, camera whore under a tabby coat. Sometimes she's capable of breaking a bad mood just by bumping her forehead to mine and purring which she seems to know how to do at the exact moment I need it. I love her.


Sometimes you just need some leftover Chinese food, hard cider and a beloved '80s movie.


Visiting a local bakery...



..to pick up some cookies before decorating the Christmas tree (those little leaf shaped ones were pistachio flavored with a little chocolate in the middle and they were amazing).

We took a tour of some urban chicken coops in our area. Kinda cool to see people cultivating things naturally while still being in the heart of the city.



Jack showing off his chicken button he got before the tour (and my sunglasses which he pretty much made his own about six months ago. He kind of reminds of Kurt Cobain when he wears them.)


The red is almost all gone. Back to the brunette roots I go.


DELISH!


There is a light that never goes out...


Aaand now it's time for this-


Hope you're all having a wonderful weekend (this is the first one I've had off in about oh...six, seven-ish months, courtesy of a very recent job change).

Welcome to the maxi pad

It had to happen eventually. A month ago my roommate Colleen and I jokingly told her boyfriend (my other roommate) that we'd sync up...period wise. And that, in effect, he. would. be. fuuuuucked.

And sure enough-

"You wanna know how I know it's happening? Because mine came a week early."

"Mine is pretty much on time."

"Mine is the submissive and your's is the dominant."

"You mean your period is "the bottom" and mine is "the giver"?


And then we laughed and bled in unison and danced with the devil in the pale moonlight.

Music Monday

It may just be easier on me if I start organizing this blog a tad better. Having designated days for things sort of takes the pressure off, and there IS pressure, since I haven't been posting as diligently as I used to. Hopefully this works.
I originally incorporated music into my Friday Fondue link roundup, but I feel as if the music portion doesn't get it's due respect. Music is an integral part of my life. If I'm not sleeping, working or focusing on projects and quality time with Jack, I'm thinking about, listening, devouring music when I can find it. From local bands to vintage tunes and everything in-between, it is what keeps my world on its axis. So! Without further adieu, here is my first Music Monday* post.


I found this song a few nights ago when I was having some trouble falling asleep. I was restless and knew I had to be up early which caused a bit of frustration. Until this song. So lovely it was that instead of letting it simply play, I had to get up, fumble around for my headphones and plug myself into it, creating a cocoon of blankets and dreamlike guitar work. I've been listening to it a lot since then...





*Yes, I realize it is Tuesday. Yesterday was a bit preoccupied so blogging took a backburner. Music Monday will resume on it's designated Monday next week.

Friday Fondue (Limited Holy-Crap-I-Actually-Have-A-Friday-Off Edition)

It's been awhile since I've done one of these posts and I was wary of doing another now that I'm working on a different computer (I currently use Colleen's MacBook and being a former Windows PC user I'm still getting the hang of things). But Pinterest I still browse* and music I still listen to, so I figured "why not?!"

*The more you know *insert rainbow*!

*Obsessed with awesome, pretty, swoon-worthy bathrooms lately (or maybe I just need a long soak in a bubble bath).

What would be on my Christmas wishlist? How about these babies-
* A plethora of adorable playsuits.
* Something that appeals to my gramophone fetish AND my i-tunes.
*Ummmm HER HAIR! Gahhhh gorgeous. I'm trying to resist running to the store for my trusty red dye.
* Always shoes, always.

* I adore Ryan's tales of his relationship with his lovely wife Cole. Such a hilarious and awesome couple.

* This Thanksgiving my roommates and I will be holding a vegan feast of friends before the actual holiday (Colleen has dubbed it "Thanksliving", yes, she is a vegan AND a punster). I'll be testing out my vegan cooking skills again by making vegan stuffing. I'll also be blogging the event, naturally.



Music Of The Week-
* I'm addicted to this song and it's video- "Jackson" by Stone Jack Jones.
* A cover of one of my favorite songs- "Heroes" covered by Magnetic Fields
* The always etherial Beach House with "I Don't Care For The Winter Sun".
* I never get sick of Bob- "Queen Jane Approximately" by Bob Dylan
* "Message To Pretty" by Love
* "The Radio's Hot Sun" by Handsome Furs

And a Happy Friday to you all!






*If you want to see what else I have pinned to walls, you can check me out on Pinterest here.

My Day In A Few Sentences

He buried his head into my shoulder, hitting the tender part between the bone and the joint, the part I've worn thin from countless swim practices before him. It is all sweaters and fall weather outside and here we are on the couch watching the same movie for the third time. He is the only person in the world I would tolerate that from.

He wraps his arm around mine, a lazy smile evolves and...

"My mom is here."

And no moment in the history of moments, no words in the history of words has ever mattered so much.

If I could finish wiping the tears off of the surfaces that they fell on I could take him on the picnic I promised him.

Dear Jack

I feel like it's been awhile since I've written one of these. It's not that I've forgotten but mostly it's a lack of words that match what's going on in my head. The dots do not connect, the lines are colored outside of- this seems to be the theme of things lately. We recently celebrated our first Halloween, just you and me. You were Ang from Avatar, which seems to be your favorite show as of late (I miss the Yo Gabba Gabba days. Can we go back to the Yo Gabba Gabba days?). I didn't dress up. It seemed like a challenge to take on another persona when it feels like I have so many to juggle lately. I only wanted to be one thing for the evening anyway- your mother. I've only ever wanted to be your mother, even when I didn't know it.
Things are crazy right now little prince. They are hard and more than anything I want to say "I'm sorry" for all of this. For the split times and different houses. It must all seem weird and I feel it too. I want to give you more and when I'm working with half of more it's difficult to not feel like I made a mistake somewhere. Gambled too hard, leaped before looking. Some would say I've done this before and I have.

And then there was you, and now I gamble in a different way.

I will continue to put it all on the line, fall from heights unknown- for you. And right now even though this all seems like a pain in the ass, fruitless; one day I will be able to look at you and know I did the right thing.

I wish the world was as it was explained to us when I was your age. A tender fairytale where all dragons are slayed and a happily ever after is promised for all. I will be the first to tell you that this is not how it works. It is much more complex, more nuanced, harder to swallow. But in the end real life is better-




Because this is real. And this is worth fighting for, even if the battle is of my own doing.

Eventually little prince, this will all make sense. Eventually you'll know what living true to oneself feels like and I hope you'll understand where I'm coming from.

I love you more than you can fathom.

-Mom



(This song is actually a little piece of why I named you Jack).

Decay

Almost as soon as I collected my baggage after landing back in Tucson an odd sort of melancholy set in. I suspected it was normal.

"You just came back from the first vacation you've had in years, from a city you've always loved. This is normal." I kept telling myself this but after a week it began to sound a tad...pathetic.

I've lived in Tucson for over eighteen years, Arizona my entire life. It took half that time for my heart to fully embrace it instead of daydreaming about the Greyhound busses that would take me away to a more glamorous city like some cheesy '80s movie. Eventually those busses just looked dirty and I grew wise enough to know that those "dreams" were impractical (how would someone with zero dance training make it as a Broadway actress in New York City at 17) and my roots started to drop. I found the spots in this city that felt like home and eventually I (tried) to make my own. Until I didn't.

When I got pregnant and eventually married, Greg and I had moved to the north side of Tucson. While I found myself in a new world of motherhood and partnership, the world that I left behind moved on, and quickly. Fast forward to now and one marriage ended, life changing, self reinventing back in the place I had once found comfort in before and- I feel lost.

When I got on that plane to go to Seattle it felt like I was flying into a new version of myself.

"This is it. You are on your own."

Feeling new in a new city was a solid form of symbolism and it felt right. When I got back and felt lost in a city that should have felt like home, a sort of personal crisis set in. Who am I? What am I doing here? What's next?

And then a revelation set in right in time with our annual All Souls Procession that rocked me so hard with symbolism and poignancy that all I've wanted to do this week is lay in bed and cry. It happened when I took a walk in my new-old neighborhood, on a perfect Fall afternoon- a couple years ago Jack was learning how to walk on these sidewalks. A couple years ago we took a chance on each other with hope in our hearts and good intentions. A couple years ago I had a family to visit on Sundays and dinners to make for faces familiar. A couple years ago I didn't imagine myself on these sidewalks alone.

My home has become a graveyard of memories. Nostalgia biting me in the heels just as soon as I start feeling confident again, pointing out the things that are no longer and the feelings that came with them.

And so, I'm trying to learn how to love my city again in a new way. Even with the memories that go bump in the night and sidewalks that hold ghosts underneath, good and bad.

A couple nights ago the streets downtown were filled with people remembering the lives of loved ones lost, celebrating lives all around; faces painted like sugar skulls and sage burning in the air, they marched along to music and memories. For the first time since I got back I felt like I was in the right place.

I guess I'm back home, or at least as much as my heart will allow for these days.

A Bit Of Seattle

Seattle was everything I hoped it would be and more. I can't even begin to describe the experience, although I will try...in another post entirely. But for now, here's some pictures I took with my cell as a placeholder.

"...she put her hands in the sky and left them there..."


Trees! This is a completely novel idea for an Arizonan.


Shameless Starbucks consumption before starting another day of classes.


A much needed sandwich (Ruebens tend to be my weapon of choice when I'm completely disregarding my knowledge of better eating choices. Still, it was delish!) after a long day of travel.


Being a complete dork (and wearing most of my Tucson winter wardrobe at once giving off a vibe I can only describe as Bag Lady Chic).


Some amazing pad see ew and pinot with the BFF on a rainy afternoon.


Bonus points if you can spot the Flight Of The Conchords decal!


A moment of peace and bliss in a super comfy bed with Seattles crisp air wafting through the room.


Before our dinner and burlesque date at The Pink Door (if you're visiting or already live in Seattle- GO! Amazing.)


Post Alley


My lovely companion in debauchery.


Some hilarious and hot sacrilege goin' on in the hospitality room. They served us angel food cake and wine.



Taking a (drunken) moment to be vain.


That's all for now! More to come...

High and Dry

Just a quick update-

I apologize for the lack of blog on this blog. I'm kind of sort of getting settled into this new life and trying to recover my voice from all the change...only to keep changing.

Thursday morning I am heading up to Seattle for a burlesque convention with my BFF. I also happen to have family up there that I haven't seen in forever and miss dearly, so this trip is giving me something to look forward to these days and I'm hoping that the Pacific air will wake up a spot in my brain that's been being sucked dry.

Work has been getting better. As much as I hate it sometimes, I feel like I'm starting to become more confident in it and it gives me this eight hours of normalcy. Boring, frustrating normalcy that a person like me needs or I'll float away on this unrealistic bubble.

People say I'm just a dreamer. But I'm not the only one (I hope).

The blues of this new situation comes in waves, but for the most part it's a low tide. Nevertheless- sea change.

Tuesdays With Jack

Fall Fashion Week- Wednesday

A day late, a buck short...

But I guess better late than never, right? I wanted to really participate in Emery's fashion week but with the circumstances at hand it's been a tad...difficult. I managed to snap a couple haphazard pics while moving so...






*Pardon the general...undone-ness. My hair is off, I couldn't be bothered with makeup or the cropping of pictures.

Tank, belt and flats- Target
Maxi skirt- Buffalo Exchange

And as is my custom on these delightful fashion weeks-

If This Outfit Were A Song-


Check out all the other lovely ladies here-

Half/Half

I have been off work for the last hour and a half. We have eaten and undressed into the final shreds of the evening. Pants have been thrown into the washing machine. Dishes await the pre-scrub and then the dishwasher. The carpet needs a vacumming.

Jack and I cuddled for about five minutes. A record for what has been far too long, but he needs his space. There is an entirely different person forming under the body that I refuse to accept as anything other than the infant that was pulled from my womb one temperate March morning. There are ideas and wills more powerful than his mother's embrace it seems. So I let him be.

It is starting to seep in though, the reality of my not being able pull him into my lap and talk about whales any time I please. I knew it was hitting the bone when, on the city bus, I spied on a boy Jack's age sitting in his mother's lap and I instantly started crying. I blamed it on hormones, after work fatigue, fluorescent lighting. I blamed it on what I could to whip the lion in the eyes that was roaring in my ears "this is real".

This is happening.

On Tuesday and Wednesday I will be packing up the same things I came into this relationship with; clothes, books, movies, toiletries and potential. I will be moving them in with my dear friend Colleen for the time being.

Greg and Jack will be moving into the new house he purchased. It's a beautiful home, saltillo tile and wooden beams on high ceilings, a backyard that Jack can romp around in. I'm glad they'll have it.

I've decided that I'm going to sign up for overtime at work once I move out. Since I won't be coming home to Jack every night I figure it's best to not come home at all. I will make money out of the silence and eventually I will have my own place to fill with noise again.

Out of all the painful logistics comes one silver lining- we are both living in truth now. Uncompromising truth in worn out, gutted shells. Bare bones ready to be built over again with pieces of who we really are and who we hope to someday be.

I expect this move will be cathartic. I expect that there will be times when I am weighed down by the "too much-ness" of it all. I expect that out of these ashes something will grow again.

It has to. We all do.

Because typing it all out feels like a handful of sand...

Greg and I will be divorcing.




It was a decision we both made for the better (odd to say something so bad is for the better, but it is, for us). I was going to write about it all but it's hard to put out there properly.

We will remain friends. We will still raise Jack together. I'll probably still laugh at him when he records movie ideas into his Droid and I still ask for his opinion sometimes because I respect the hell out of the man, the father of my child.

I wanted to post about it here because it will be a massive change and I'm sure getting used to my life as a single mother will be odd, but that's just it...it is life. Life will move forward; change shapes, ideas, plans, people. And as always, I'll continue to write about it. It's the only way I know.

Live Music Preview: The Shondes at Club Congress, Sunday, September 18th

Coming straight outta' Brooklyn with a fistful of driving post-punk chords and drums, dressed up with some dapper-yet-rebellious strings, yet still drunk on riot grrrl vocals, The Shondes are gracing the Old Pueblo with an early post-sunset (and monsoon?) appearance this Sunday night at Club Congress (7pm doors, $5 cover). With one EP (Line & Hooks + 2) and two albums (My Dear One, The Red Sea) already under their genderqueer belts, they've decided to embark on an ambitious national Fall tour and are performing with local female-fronted critic darlings Seashell Radio.

Shondes' lead singer Louisa Solomon's vocals (she's also on the bass--hot!) are demanding yet feminine. She exudes naked, raw emotion, leaving one feeling like they've read a dairy they weren't supposed to. Violinist Elijah Oberman lends searing strings, adding an element of refined anarchy. Throw in Fureigh's bold riffs; Temim Fruchter's pounding exclamation points; a penchant for political wordplay; and a Jewish upbringing, and there you have a band ready to bend your heart in the best, queerest kinda' of way.

With doors at 7pm, don't be late and miss openers Seashell Radio; more info at Club Congress. $5 in advance or the day of, 21+ with a valid ID. 7 p.m. Bring your dancing shoes and your misplaced blues.

Download the Shondes track "Ocean To Ocean" for free here.
Check out the trailer for their upcoming album, Searchlights, set for a September 20th release date, here. (Bug 'em for a new copy at the Congress show!)

Oh, hi.

First, I must give thanks and interweb hugs to your supportive comments regarding my last post. I cannot begin to explain how moving it is to have people you don't even know in real life embrace you and offer support. It is one of the reasons I love blogging. But mostly it's one of the reasons I love all your wonderful selves.

Secondly, oh what a week (and a half) will bring. I have a great deal of things to post, some flights of fancy and some very grounding, serious changes that are happening around here.

Life. Life. Life

It never quite stops does it?

Just a quick hello and thank you before I commence with what I've been meaning to get around to.

Aaaand go!

"See you later..."

I got the text about twenty minutes before the end of my shift.

"My grandma just passed."

Instantly the tears welled up and with it a disgust that I didn't expect. Disgust over being tethered to a desk. I wanted to walk out. Unplug. Leave.

When my shift finally ended I got in the car and locked the doors and let out a noise that was foreign even to myself. A mix of a sigh, a scream, a surrender. A mix of anger and sadness. A slight sense of relief, for her.

------------------------------------------------

You were one of the few people I admired. I can't explain why, though there are plenty of reasons but what are reasons if nothing more than a list of traits and you were more than that.

You handled me in a way that few people ever have. Sometimes, if the wine was right and we had just enough alone time, you would pull out of me things I would seldom talk to anybody about. My father, my parents, my fears about marriages and parenthood and sometimes my selfish disdain for both of those things. You pulled them out of me and didn't suggest a solution, only acknowledgement. And that was all I needed.

Few people know that.

-------------------------------------------------

I raced home as fast I could. I wasn't sure why I was pushing the speed limit, why my arms were going numb, why my hands were shaking. She was gone. There was nothing to outrace. And looking back on it this morning, I think I was just angry. I was so damn angry I hadn't been around more. Angry that I slept, ate, bathed, watched a movie, listened to music while she was a couple miles away. I was angry that life still relentlessly moves on while others simultaneously stop. Soon life will move on and I don't think I'll be as angry. This seems like something she would tell me, so I keep telling this to myself.

--------------------------------------------------

I'll always remember this one afternoon. You were feeling particularly well and wanted to take Jack to the zoo. I was slightly worried, I wasn't sure you would have the energy to fully enjoy an outing in our Tucson heat and Jack's sometimes juggernaut approach to life. But you maintained that all was well.

We walked around and took our time.



Before we left we visited the gift shop which I told you to ignore because it was overpriced. But you didn't listen. You were dead set on buying Jack not only a stuffed animal elephant but a giraffe companion for it as well as a book that made jungle noises. You have spoiled Jack since his birth. We have jokingly dubbed him "little prince" because of you. Because of the esteem with which you have held him since he was nothing more than holdable. The love that you have had for him is one of the things that I believe I'll miss the most.

We took a train ride around the park. Jack pointed out everything and we soaked in the spring sun. After we grew tired of the park we went to a Mexican restaurant downtown and I was so excited to bring you over to my stomping ground. Once again I was letting you in more than most people. The margarita was just right and the beer was to your liking and the afternoon, that afternoon, was perfect. It took weeks for Jack to stop talking about it. He still brings it up from time to time.

-------------------------------------------

"Are you okay?"
"Yeah. You?"
"Yeah."
"We just have to remember all the good things."
"I know."
"And this is a good thing. It would have gotten worse, harder, uglier."
"I know."
-------------------------------------------

The last time I saw you was at Greg's birthday dinner. You were in the back. Your daughter was there talking to you and I came in to say hello. And as soon as I sat down that old familiar comfort set in.

"You look great."
"Thanks."
"That dress is lovely."

I like that we can both appreciate the aesthetics in life. Even when life is not so grand. Some people would call us shallow for it but we know better.

"How are you?"
"Well...here."
"How's the job? How are you doing, I know you don't like it very much."
"Yeah. It's tough but I guess that's being a grown up right?"

I think you smiled at that because you've watched me struggle so hard against the practicalities of being an adult.

"But, you know, I'd rather be busy than bored. It's better that way. Even though it's hard sometimes."
"Of course!"
"My mind gets too idle and I start to unravel..."
"I know."

And before we start to turn our quick "hello" into another therapy session the dinner bell has rung. You won't be joining us, you are not well enough. Knowing that made the walk to the dinner table one of the longest I've had in awhile. My boots clicking on the tile was an assault to my ears and the further away I knew they were getting hurt somewhere in my rib cage.

"Love you."
"Love you too."
"See you later."

-----------------------------------------------

Greg and Jack had their last visit with you a couple days ago. I was at work on a Sunday. Again.

"...even though it's hard sometimes."

I'm glad Jack got to see you. I wish I could have.

But mostly I wish I had gotten to say thank you.

Thank you for accepting me, even though there are traits in myself that are sometimes unacceptable. Thank you for refilling my glass and my hope. Thank you for having such good taste and for feeling the music and the nuances. Thank you for your children. Thank you for loving Jack.




I hope that wherever you are going has plenty of pinot grigio and sunlight at your feet. I hope there are elephants with giraffe companions. I hope your son is there. I hope that you left knowing that I loved you. Always.





Time it was, and what a time it was, it was
A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories; They're all that's left you

In the blink of an eye...

It's shit like this that makes me feel incredibly old and incredibly panicked.

Jack and the Beanstalk

My son is growing marigolds...


Sometimes he overpours, flooding the tiny seedlings; creating a pool of drifting dirt, streaking the clay pot with water.

"Careful," I warn "you don't want to over-water them."
"Yeah," he says both concerned and yet unflappable. He knows what he's doing. Even if he doesn't, I must let him figure it out on his own. Let him color outside the lines. Let him spill and fall and piss and yell. Sometimes I have to hold my tongue, watch the dirt float to the top. Try again next time.

My son is growing.


It wasn't so long ago that I was growing a seedling of my own.

I wonder if he bites his tongue for me sometimes. Ignores the fact that I cry so easily, curse a little too much, let my head drift a little too far into the atmosphere because sometimes it's afraid of the cold, hard ground.

"Be careful" he says.

We keep each others dirt tended, cared for. And out of our eyes marigolds grow.

A lot

I've been swamped, stressed, down, up, every which way it seems these last few weeks.

For some reason the job has been grating all the wrong nerves and left me so worn and angry that it took a small breakdown with my coach, complete with tears and me having to run to the bathroom to wipe away the snot that was becoming very persistent, to set me back on my axis. My PMS runs wild and it runs deep. Or I'm just stressed the fuck out and have decided that blaming it on my womanly hormones seemed like an excuse everybody could agree upon.

The truth is, this line of work is just plain sad sometimes. I work in a call center and have to deal with A LOT of angry people. People calling in already filled with venom, people who tell me their life stories, people who have decided to purposely call in to make ME pay for their bad mood. Most of the time I'm good at separating myself from it all. But after awhile it got to where their bad moods started making me question what type of company I was in that would make someone so angry and then it spiraled into me vilifying the place on a whole and then getting jaded. Because I'm an idiot idealist and believe that everything should be fair and the world just doesn't work that way. Also, if I want to continue to be paid, biting that hand that feeds is not recommended. So now I'm just an idealist on the weekends.

Alongside that is the fact that Greg's grandmother is dying. How many weeks or even days she has left is unknown. It's been weighing on my mind a lot lately. Post to follow.

Jack is in his Tyrannous Threes, as I've dubbed it, and if you guys think two is bad....you had better stock up liquor NOW because at the end of the day you'll likely feel like a three year old is THE BEST birth control nature could create. And it is. I won't be removing the IUD any time soon.

I'm trying to stay focused and positive as best as I can these days because if I don't the level of depression I can fall into is hard to get out of without some sort of crisis.

SO that's where I'm at right now. Just a quasi-brief explanation of where I've been these days. Maybe now I can get to posting something of value.

Lullabies to better recognize!

* The following post was NOT sponsored. Sometimes I just happen to come across things that I love and figure I'd pass it on.

I'm a girl who tends to think about a budget. I don't like sticker shock and I hate being wasteful so when I find something that works well and is also fairly cheap, I'm pretty much sold on it.

Ladies and hair conscious gents (?), I present to you-


Organix Anti-Breakage Serum

I need a trim. I dye, or I used to dye (currently letting the locks grow au natural), my hair. I blow dry and flat iron. Needless to say, sometimes my hair needs some TLC. Usually I'm skeptical of hair products, it tends to be trial and error for me but man, this stuff was FINALLY a win! I applied about a penny sized amount (although you could use even less, and I'd recommend doing so) to the mane while it was damp, blow dried and straightened and my hair was salon soft. Softest it's been in months in fact.

Another perk of the product- it's cruelty-free!

Hair improving, cruelty-free, yummy smelling? Get on this. I'm smitten!