Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Picks of the Day- Episode 12

I go through stages where I sing this song practically at the top of my lungs around the house. Specifically while doing the dishes, also specifically when nobody is home.

Also, I came across this great entry by the wonderful Ev'Yan (of the equally wonderful blog Apricot Tea) involving "The Proust Questionnaire". So I've decided to take it, as Proust believed that answering these questions revealed a person's true nature (although I believe that a person's character can extend far beyond what they answer on a questionnaire, but hey it's worth a shot!). I enjoy filling out surveys, mostly because my mind, or at least what I say, changes so much based on the day or mood. Without further adieu-

The Proust Questionnaire

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness? Lately I've been having visions of all of my family and loved ones in a cabin, at Christmas time, enjoying each other's company, laughing, eating, sharing. There is snow outside and my son can't stop being in complete wonder over it. I warm my body with sweaters and coffee from ceramic mugs that keep my hands from chilling. I want this to happen so badly soon, that is my idea of perfect happiness.

2. What is your greatest fear? Losing my husband or son. Just thinking about makes me cry.

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? When I procrastinate. My fickleness. My inability to just pick ONE thing and go with it. My weakness in bouts of stress or depression.

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others? Being judgmental, hypocrisy, entitlement.

5. Which living person do you most admire? I have a few. My grandmothers. One for her work ethic, kindness and generosity. The other for her wisdom and loyalty (and for her stories!). My husband for his honesty and compassion and the way he seems to do the right thing no matter what, he's just true blue. My son for his boldness, a character trait I sometimes wonder if he inherited from my father.

6. What is your greatest extravagance? Make-up sometimes (I've been turned into a Urban Decay and Mac junkie thanks to a friend), making burlesque costumes, but mostly my mind.

7. What is your current state of mind? In need of coffee, somewhat scattered (it is still early) in the way that one is right after waking up where the tail end of your dreams meets the to-do list of your day. Trying to fight its way out of an indecisive fog that has brought on panic in the form of an imaginary clock ticking above my head asking me "where am I going with this?" Enjoying music and its ability to distract me.

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Caution. Too much of it and you can miss out on things.

9. On what occasion do you lie? To protect someone's feelings when I want to say "that band/book/show fucking sucks!" I don't necessarily lie though, it's more so just keeping them from knowing how I really feel.

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance? My nose, sometimes. My stomach (post baby).

11. Which living person do you most despise? I DISLIKE a lot of traits in people these days. But I can't exactly point out any one person without finding 100 more like them and that would waste far too much time and energy than need be.

12. What is the quality you most like in a man? Loyalty and hygiene.

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman? Sincerity and humor.

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse? "Totally", "no shit!", "I love you", "uggghhhhh"...

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life? My husband and son. Together there is nothing that encompasses so many levels of love the way they do.

16. When and where were you happiest? May 2nd, 2009. My in-law's house. My wedding evening. Our closest family and friends, food, margaritas, and love.

17. Which talent would you most like to have? To be an incredible and honest writer.

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? My post-baby body (or at least just the little marks that came with it, I appreciate the curves it's given me, I feel more womanly now).

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement? I've yet to achieve it. But I'd imagine it would be a great career to help support my family and sending my son into the world as a caring, smart and impassioned individual.

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? Myself, just a little wiser and with the same people.

21. Where would you most like to live? In a bungalow with wood floors in a place that sees seasons and creative people (i.e. downtown Tucson or Seattle).

22. What is your most treasured possession? My grandfather's and grandmother's matching rings. My aunt has my grandmother's and I have my grandfather's.

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Having someone precious to you die.

24. What is your favorite occupation? One that would support a family and my freedom to be me. No uniforms too.

25. What is your most marked characteristic? My playlists. Or perhaps the way I see things. People tend to comment on that.

26. What do you most value in your friends? A sense of humor (of all varieties), a sense of self, a good music selection.

27. Who are your favorite writers? T.S. Eliot, Chuck Palahnuik, Doulgas Coupland... but I can find a lot of writers I like.

28. Who is your hero of fiction? Not too sure on that one. I don't really have "heroes".

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with? See 28. But I do really like Marie Antoinette. I read a very well written and in-depth biography about her the fall I was pregnant with Jack. I think we would have really hit it off back in the day. I found out we've got Austrian in our lineage as well.

30. Who are your heroes in real life? See 28.

31. What are your favorite names? Stella, Adele, Jack, Vincent, Alice, Syd, Sadie, Eleanor, Olivia, Ari, Dean, Orion, Paige.

32. What is it that you most dislike? Money. Whether you have it or not, it just causes evil.

33. What is your greatest regret? Not wearing more sunscreen/not wearing ENOUGH sunscreen.

34. How would you like to die? Ideally? In bed with my husband, happy. Or I just don't want to know about it.

35. What is your motto? Just live your life, to put it bluntly.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Picks of the Day- Episode 11

I LOVE this Kings Of Leon song. I'm very much a fan of their older work, they're wonderful in general but their older stuff is just more genuine. Raw and southern boy. I want to take them all to New Orleans and eat crayfish a oysters with them before embarking on a night of debauchery and voodoo women.

In other news-

Jack has decided to ring in the "terrible two's" early it seems, and he is driving me batshit crazy. I don't know how someone so cute and generally sweet and well tempered turns into a candidate for an exorcism at the drop of a hat. This paired with anxiety, trying to figure out what I'm *really* going to do with my life (contemplating majors right now to go back to school), no progress on the burlesque front, feelings of inadequacy/depression and over-all malaise inevitably led to a panic attack/mental breakdown Saturday evening. Greg was in the shower and Jack was screaming and I couldn't get the damned salad dressing bottle to open and suddenly the tears came, and then the sobbing came, and then the curling up in the fetal position on your linoleum floor that needed to be mopped commenced and I'm just glad nobody was there to witness it. It lasted a couple hours and in the end it was cathartic. And on Sunday we rested and I had a very potent margarita and the world went back on its axis. Never underestimate the power of a good margarita.

Here's a picture of Jack before the zoo-

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

My progeny

Because I can't get enough of his extremely bite-able toes, his wackadoo hair, and his overall awesomeness. Jack, this one's for you!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Picks of the Day- Episode 10

If this doesn't perk up your morning, well, I don't want to know you and good day sir!

I had this song stuck in my head for about a week after an episode of "Scrubs". Zach Braff hijacked my (and probably my family's) sanity, as I HAD to play it every time we were in the car. Or before I took a shower. Or when I made dinner...

Since we're going 70's here, I'd kill to acquire-

This is perfect for Tucson right about now. We haven't shaken summer's death grip yet, but we're trying. And this dress is a nice middle ground for the limbo of weather we're in.

I could wear this pretty soon...

And this.

I guess I was kind of inspired by Cher in the movie "Mask" (although "Mask" was made in '85).

A sign of the 70's- the mustache.

Hair goal! I'm trying to get my mane to about this length. It has been a tediously long endeavor but I'm getting there.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Positives and Negatives

I had been a giant ball of emotions all weekend. Most if them in the depressive/pessimistic realm. Following these were brief bouts of normalcy only to be blindsided by a breakdown in the car on the way home from Target when Greg mentioned that I had a few moments where I reminded him of Michael on "The Office." On Friday I thought it could be an extreme case of PMS, only I was due to have a period about two weeks ago (I did have some spotting and ohmygodIcan'tbelieveI'mgoingintothesedetailsonmyblog). It wasn't until Sunday afternoon when we were watching an episode of Dexter where he knocks up his girlfriend that I nudged Greg and said "I think we need to pick up a pee-stick later."
"Yeah. Did you see that jar of pickles we JUST bought this morning? There are two left. And unless I magically hit a growth spurt in my boobs, I just...We need to pick up a damn stick."
I have an IUD. But like any female, the second my hormones even resemble that of a pregnant womans I freak out, throw logic out the window and immediately think "fuck, I'm having baby." I googled "pregnancy with an IUD" and got conflicting messages. It seemed that although one person hasn't ever gotten pregnant on one they DID know a distant aunt who had. Such is the internet.
Jack handed me his shoes to say "hey crazy could-be-pregnant lady, lets go to the park." And no idea in the history of ideas could have been better. I needed to get away from the house. I needed to get away from WebMD and t.v. shows with pregnant girlfriends and wives and the jar of pickles with only two future casualties floating in it's delightful pickle-y juice.
Greg pushed Jack in the swing and I sat in the sand and drew spirals with broken sticks. We discussed "what could happen" while Jack obliviously swung higher to meet the clouds. "Why are things so cloudy right now."
Although we knew if I was indeed pregnant, we'd push through and make it, it still wasn't desired. We're not drowning but we're not where we'd ideally like to be financially and a baby would be a huge weight. And more than that, we're happy with just us. Greg and I and Jack. I remember when we brought home the two-day puppy I immediately felt guilty as I held it in my lap and cooed over it while Jack sat in his carseat on the way home. I felt like I betrayed him by giving my attention and affection to another thing that wasn't him. And if that was just a puppy, I couldn't imagine another child. THIS IS WHY I HAVE THE DAMN IUD IN THE FIRST PLACE!
We stopped at Wal-Green's on the way home. Greg asked what kind of test I wanted before running in to pick it up for me (I love this man). When we got home I shunned the package until GREG had to know. I did the deed and a minute passed before I saw a relieving negative.
I smiled like the Cheshire Cat and went on a cleaning frenzy (I do this in times of celebration AND despair...don't ask). Before I turned on the vacuum Greg, holding Jack in his lap, said "well, it wouldn't be such a bad thing..."
And I knew I had married the right person. A person that picks up pregnancy tests for you and doesn't care if you eat all the pickles or don't bother to shave your legs for more than two (okay three) days. A person that pushes your son in the swings and takes the pizza out of the oven because you're chicken-shit about getting burned and puts red socks on your sons feet even if it doesn't match his light blue shorts. A person who says "it'll be okay" when you find out you're pregnant for the first time on accident and three years later still wouldn't mind.
There is a negative pregnancy test in my bathroom wastebasket. Yet all around me are positives.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Picks of the Day- Episode 9

Because I love a good English accent and often you'll find me talking like Sid Vicious around the house for funsies...

I guess I'm more of an anglophile than I thought, though that would explain the most recent tattoo and my affection for overcasts and good tea.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

"I think you're crazy, maybe..."

We walked into the tattoo parlor and I handed the artist my font of choice and inscription desired. It was a date of sorts for us. He held my hand and I lied on my side feeling the needle pulsate in and out of my skin.

"How do you like it?" the talkative tattoo artist asked.
"It's perfect."

A couple months before that my mother moved out of my childhood home. My parents divorce was still fresh and unfinalized. My ex's father died and a month after that we broke up. I finished high school and was burnt out emotionally. I didn't start preparations for college or begin to enjoy the first flush of summer. I sat in my room a lot.

"White red and sleeping pills
Help me get back to your arms
Cheap sex and sad films
Help me get where I belong"

I met Greg online on another night of making my room a foxhole of cigarettes and Elliot Smith. We talked and commiserated quickly. We met and while we were happy to begin a new romance, both of us were suppressing a dark place. Battling our own dysphorias. It took a long time, and more than that it took honesty, but somehow we managed to get through it together.

I carry that first tattoo on my hip as a reminder of that. Of how far I've come, how far we've come. And though it's been weathered with stretchmarks and though it could use a touch-up, I still cherish it.

We must sometimes embrace the darkness to appreciate the light.

(Id Quoque Transibit also known as "This Too Shall Pass")

And so when I stumbled upon this song again after not hearing it for too long, I couldn't help but cry. It is exactly the musical manifestation of my feelings when I went into that tattoo parlor on 6th Street.

And now?

It has passed. And all is well.