Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Lift up the rug

One of my favorite bloggers Rebecca Woolf (I have sung her praises and will continue to indefinitely due to her honest way of writing, her candid humor, kindness and just plain awesomeness)* posted a new question to the women of Momversation- What would you be doing if you didn't have children?

This question is a doozy for some. It can hit you over the head with truth, fantasy, honesty, happiness for the present or sadness for the past. That same question has been looming over my head begging for an answer that I had previously pushed to the backburner, unable to think about it due to taking care of Jack, being caught up in the moments of parenthood, being frightened or even hurt of the outcome of such unanswered rhetorical questions. It wasn't until visiting with family did I think of it after my cousin said "and to think you never used to want kids. You used to say it all the time."
I didn't want children four years ago. I didn't want the never ending responsibilities and truths that come with parenting. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to travel. I wanted to wake up late in sun drenched beds, boyfriend by my side and explore the day on my own time. When I found out I was pregnant everything went grey. Those days of wandering around, spending all day in libraries, writing poetry and smoking were put in a cell, awaiting their execution once the newest priority arrived, swaddled in blankets and needing a changing.
Greg and I were going through a somewhat rockier phase in our relationship. We had just celebrated our first anniversary and it seemed like "what now?" was the main course question on our plates. We were entering the stage where couples get comfortable. Courting sort of becomes a fading sentiment and flowers are given only on holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. Make-up isn't applied as religiously and sometimes bathroom doors are just kept open. Being young you fear this stage as "boredom", as a slow suicide to romance. I know now that this isn't the case but back then...
I had just quit my job. A short sided attempt at saying "fuck the man" that immediately resulted in the man fucking my bank account and credit. Greg had just finished getting his Masters in Biochemical Engineering, yet had no luck finding a job in his field for about four months and instead took a job in telemarketing to make money for rent, car insurance and Hormel Compleats. I couldn't find a damn thing, something that bruised my ego as I had always found jobs easily. After the positive test came through, nobody wanted to hire the pregnant girl. Eventually after much grind, arguments stemmed from stress, and living with my dad for a few months to get back on our feet, Greg found a great job in his field, we moved to Oro Valley and in five months Jack joined us. We became a family. But "what would you be doing if you didn't have children?"
It's hard for me to really say. A part of me thinks Greg and I would have broken up. I would have moved in with my grandmother or friend and started classes at the local community college (I had started enrolling before I moved in with Greg). Maybe I'd major in literature. A part of me thinks Greg and I would stick together and be "the sweet couple who's working on their dissertations together". A part of me thinks I'd just be alone. The lone wolf part of my soul taking precedence over relationships and everything they involve. I will forever be those two fish swimming in opposite directions at times able to go one way for a long time, but not without looking back behind me. And that's okay. It's okay to think "what if?" It can lead to revelations, reignite passions, propel you to make things better. Stick in there, but don't get stuck.
These days I don't fear the future and I don't regret my past. If I never had Jack I'd have loads of growing to do. And all of those things I wanted to do are never out of reach anyway. The lone wolf simply found her pack.

* I actually e-mailed Mrs. Woolf one day after she released her book "Rockabye: From Wild to Child" which was everything I had wanted to write about my experience with an unplanned pregnancy but she had written better. I thanked her for her words and ability to write all too kindred feelings. She responded that evening, and was the most sweet, down-to-earth, and empowering woman.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Me and my drum

It never fails. The weeks leading up to the holidays I find myself in a sort of existential funk. I curse the heightened traffic and consumerism. I hide in my apartment to avoid people because my mood would only taint their day.

"I have no gift to bring"...

Some would say I'm a Grinch and I'll spark back "I've always loved Dr. Seuss!" Some would say "maybe you should see a doctor about SAD" but I'll cover my ears thinking "it's always something..."

But something switches come Christmas Eve. An overwhelming gratitude for my family and the people that love me, the people I love. It's like somebody lit up every Technicolor light in my soul and no comforter over my head will dim it.

It is then that I realize what the holidays are about. It's not hating the world for the want of shiny new objects. There's not much I can do about that. It's not shaking my fist at the lady that cut me off. That happens regardless of the season. It's about family. The gathering of spirit.

"Shall I play for you..."

This year I have a son who will be semi-aware of all of this, and to me there is almost nothing more beautiful. To see lights and love through his eyes. To rekindle the sparkle that was in mine and feel the incredible bigness in the room.

So to my readers, I wish you all the same. Joy, happiness, health, and above all love. Happy Holidays to you all.

Friday, December 18, 2009

What Dreams May Come...

Sometimes you may experience odd dreams that make you think "What the hell? Should I start cutting out sugar from my diet?" But for me its almost a nightly occurrence. Sometimes I remember them and other times they are too bizarre to recall properly so I let them escape, but mostly I keep them to myself because "who would ever get this?" Well, last night was one of those weird but memorable ones and just for the hell of it I thought I'd share, and who knows, maybe this will become a regular segment on this blog- "Where in the World is Amanda's Subconscious".

So yesterday while feeling sub-par I was watching some movie they decided to play on Flix (yep, it's 2009 and "cks" has now been replaced by "x"...this is where the bald Indian guy turns around and emits one solitary tear). It was called "Perfect Opposites" starring Piper Perabo and some generic white guy that I don't care enough about to Google. He was a chode in the movie anyway.

Insert Piper Perabo as Sidekick-

"Hi! I'm blonde and spunky and here for mischief! Totally!"

In this dream we're two gals on the town in downtown L.A. We're easy, breezy and I have my pre-baby body (WOOT!). Naturally, we rule the world and wear killer shoes. On this lovely day about town we decide "hey lets smoke some weed!" I'm not much of a weed smoker in real life. I've tried it a few times in high school and it hurt my throat, made me smile to much and only gave me the magical ability to eat two or three sleeves of Oreo's which clear headed I can't stand. I digress...We duck into this little head shop and start browsing bongs errr, "water pipes" and other paraphernalia when I decide I'm going to do it old school and have a doobie. Not this doobie-
In this dream I can walk all over LA in stilettos but I can't roll a blunt to save my life so ask the clerk for assistance. Yeah, this is a REAL legit head shop. That's when I look up and realize the counter girl is a dead ringer for Kat Von D.

"Hi, let me assist you in your cannabis needs."

For the next few minutes I'm enamored because hot girls with tattoos are up there on my list of likes. Right below spring rolls and Mystery Science Theater 3000. We're shooting the shit and laughing and just having a merry 'ol time when DUNDUNDUN-

Insert Robert Downey Jr. as a narcotics officer!

"Hi. You really have a grasp on irony don't you?!"

Everyone starts darting out of there. The skaters in faded Zero t-shirts, the dudes in the back looking guilty, and even Piper! What the hell Piper. I look at the Kat Von D-lite behind the counter and see the terror in her face. Immediately I want to help her out because she's cute and had very nimble fingers due to the craftsmanship that went into rolling up that smoke for me.

"Not today Robert Downey Jr.!" I think to myself. And thats when it happened. I went into vixen mode.

--------This is where it gets a little R-rated people, so you've been warned---------

I grab his hand and being the great authority figure he is, he actually followed me. I look back and wink at the counter girl, "you can thank me later, sparkly eyes." I lead RDJ down an alley and proceed to stand screw him. I'm very nimble in these dreams. And thats how RDJ and I became a couple.

After that it got kind of blurry. All I can really remember is Robert left me for my real life friend Jessica.

Hi Jess! Isn't she cute? I could totally see why Robert would leave me for her. She's petite and smart and I have really broad shoulders.

And I went on to become involved with an angry but dapper Irish man. Eventually Robert wanted me back and I was all "uh uh, you left me. Your loss. Try and find a chick that saves a head shop by molesting a narcotics officer in an alley again. I dare you!" And then Dapper Angry Irish Dude was all "lay off my woman!" and he decked Robert in the face. We had a little Spanish friend that lived with us and she was like "Ay dios mio!"

After that I had more weird dreams. Something involving a restaurant in Paris, boa constrictors and me falling off a bike.

All in a nights sleep my friends. All in a nights sleep.


Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Not to be a broken record...

I had posted a Regina Spektor blog a couple days ago and I found a newer song that really resonated with me, so I had to post it. The lyrics, the piano. I'm a sucker for piano playing/players/piano's themselves. When Greg gets started I turn into Pamela Des Barres. This song was a whisper to my soul and it moved me enough to add some tears to my morning coffee. So here you go-

*Also, I'll most definitely be adding a few "fashion friday" pics early. I found a couple pieces at Buffalo this weekend so I figured I'd add those now, since I've been putting off fashion themed posts due to being busy, PMS and a damn procrastinator.