Sunday, December 18, 2011

Sometimes blogging is a cheaper therapy

I've been a bit absent on this blog. It seems like all I can muster is Music Monday posts since music seems to be the only thing that inspires me.

The last month or two have brought a lot of change. There's obviously the divorce, the holidays and then the starting of a new job. Sometimes I feel like I can barely keep up with anything anymore.

I'm tired.
I'm running on borrowed energy and the good will of a few very amazing people that have kept me going through this all.
I'm a bit depressed these days.

I'm also incredibly bitter underneath it all. Something that I've realized fully today after a phone call with my mother that left me unloading a bit of the past resentment on Colleen, who I luckily have to hear me out in my fits of frustration. I didn't realize it until afterward, when I went into my room and let out a sigh and a "I'm so angry". And I am.

When I was married, Greg's family pretty much adopted me as their own and I felt, for the first time, stable in a family. Thankful to be around such wonderful people and even though I felt like the stray, mangy dog they took in out of the kindness of their hearts, I had a place to call home. A home, something that was broken and problem fueled in my life before them.

And now I'm right back there. I feel alone and resentful that my own family doesn't quite get it. That little "cheer ups" or "it'll be okays", seem to suffice after YEARS of not really being there. I feel a bit sad that I feel closer and happier around people who aren't blood, who I'm not related to than people that have known me since I was born. I am thankful for those people, but when you think of your family and the first thought you conjure up is "I'd rather not get into it...", you can't help but feel like something is wrong.

And it is. Everything lately just feels wrong. There are good moments of course, but I feel adrift.

In the meantime I work, I try and be all that I can be for Jack, and I hope, with all my might, that this too shall pass.

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