So I think by now it's no surprise that I'm totally in love with all things Devendra (music, looks, crazy hippie secular being vibe, music) Banhart. But my family digs him as well. Going through some old pics and video I cam across Jack dancing around in the kitchen to one of his favorite Banhart songs-
*Sorry this is sideways.
*I'd recommend turning it down. He has a pretty sharp screech at :13.
*He's screeching along to this-
(specifically the part at 2:39)
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Hello, is it me you're looking for?
So, I have an idea for a fun sort of game. Tell me who you are! I have a dreadful case of writers block (among other things) and instead of searching things out like I've been trying to do with no result, I think I'll take the "maybe by distracting myself it will come to me" approach. In the meantime, I'd like to know who YOU are! Feel free to post anonymously, if you please. But tell me a bit about yourself and what brings you here, where are you from and what makes you happy. Any suggestions for this blog? Recommendations for movies or books? Questions? I'm opening the floor up.
90's Nostalgia
Everybody Shoops
When I was a little girl I kinda wanted to hang out with Salt N' Pepa (and DJ Spinderella! HOLLA!). They were badasses.
When I was a little girl I kinda wanted to hang out with Salt N' Pepa (and DJ Spinderella! HOLLA!). They were badasses.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Cut The Fat
I'm a big 'ol failure. My 30 Day Dare project went totally MIA and I've been beating myself up about it on the regular. But the truth is, it failed for a reason. It was stupid. It's kinda dumb for me to saddle myself with tasks that in the long run only merely amount to "hey, I did this for a month!" I took my perpetual need for change and turned it into a goal instead of a lifestyle. I lucked out in choosing going vegan for a month because it turned out to be truly enlightening and did actually effect me for the better, so it wasn't a complete bomb. But I sat down with my thinking cap and got to writing down what I feel will TRULY help me.
Cut The Fat: Ideas For The Betterment Of Your Shit
* Come up with a monthly meal plan. Don't be afraid to experiment.
* Put together fourteen outfits you LOVE. Mix and match, make them transitional, take pictures to remember if you have to. What's the point in wearing clothes you only feel lukewarm about? Donate the rest.
* Weed out the music on your Ipod/Itunes/whathaveyou. I collect A LOT of music and sometimes I do grow out of it, download random things without REALLY listening, etc. If it doesn't make me feel sublime or inspire me than it doesn't belong there anymore.
*Make more plans with people you can't live without/haven't seen in a long time/inspire or ground you.
*Read more books, less internet. Remember how that felt?
*Find new places for (cheap) thrills.
I can start on those first. And I'm playing for keeps, not just thirty days.
More to come...
Cut The Fat: Ideas For The Betterment Of Your Shit
* Come up with a monthly meal plan. Don't be afraid to experiment.
* Put together fourteen outfits you LOVE. Mix and match, make them transitional, take pictures to remember if you have to. What's the point in wearing clothes you only feel lukewarm about? Donate the rest.
* Weed out the music on your Ipod/Itunes/whathaveyou. I collect A LOT of music and sometimes I do grow out of it, download random things without REALLY listening, etc. If it doesn't make me feel sublime or inspire me than it doesn't belong there anymore.
*Make more plans with people you can't live without/haven't seen in a long time/inspire or ground you.
*Read more books, less internet. Remember how that felt?
*Find new places for (cheap) thrills.
I can start on those first. And I'm playing for keeps, not just thirty days.
More to come...
Monday, March 21, 2011
Like A Boss
Today was a special day. Today I achieved the "because I said so" badge on my motherhood scouts sash.
Battle Of The Wills (2008)
At some point, after the tantrums, after you've bent over backwards to please, after you've been stepped on and dissed, you have to use your mom card.
"I am the boss of your life! Now get into this stupid car cart that I'm going to awkwardly push around the store and narrowly avoid wrecking displays of peanut butter with....now."
Mama didn't raise no fool. But sometimes she has to raise her voice.
Battle Of The Wills (2008)
At some point, after the tantrums, after you've bent over backwards to please, after you've been stepped on and dissed, you have to use your mom card.
"I am the boss of your life! Now get into this stupid car cart that I'm going to awkwardly push around the store and narrowly avoid wrecking displays of peanut butter with....now."
Mama didn't raise no fool. But sometimes she has to raise her voice.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Friday Fondue
It seems like I'm always doing these, these days. The weekdays have been moving by fairly quickly and in between trying to go out and hone a hobby of writing about bands at night and being a mother by day, everything else has fallen a tad behind. It's making me slightly grouchy, so I apologize for all the fluffery that's been going down here lately. I need to take the oil can to my brain...
But! Here's Firday Fondue-
Prreettttyyy, preeeeeetttty, preetttty good.
These will make your uterus smile.
And I want to try this out. Yes, I'm legitimately obsessed with Pinterest.
If I ever have another child, this is in order!
This would be a funny coffee table read.
I'm absolutely IN LOVE with this site. After Jack goes to bed, if I'm not doing something I should have been doing long before Jack went to bed, I'm reading articles from there. Hilarious and thought provoking, I can't get enough of it.
I was also struck by the beauty in Rebecca's newest post.
Yes please!!
How'd you like one of these?!
Want.
Dream bed.
Adorable pad.
My prescription for a Sunday? Listen to this and make out with somebody you love.
YES! I need to meet this child's parents.
It's off to the park and Dexter catching up via Netflix, lazing about and hopefully not eating tooooo much. Have a happy weekend mah dears!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I heart Tina Fey
Yesterday I checked my mail and among junk mail offering up produce sales and our auto insurance was a familiar face-
It's no secret to those that know me that I'm obsessed with Tina Fey. I grew up watching SNL, begging my parents to let me stay up late to catch it at the age of six. When I was thirteen or so I wanted to be a writer or actor for the show and I wrote a letter to Lorne Michaels explaining my aspirations and plans on getting there. I joined my high school drama class and worked on improvs. But reality is a bitch. Moving to New York would be expensive and I didn't believe I had what it took to make it that far, so I remained a fan instead of a performer and tossed the NYU performance art newsletters that came in the mail periodically.
When Tina Fey came on the scene she was such a breath of fresh air for somebody like me. A girl who wanted to be perceived as smart and witty BEFORE being perceived as sexy. A girl who relied on humor to get her through a lot. She's probably one of my top role models, and not only for myself, but for young women on a whole.
Anyway, as I eagerly devoured the article I came across a quote from her that turned my day around (I was having a shitty one prior to checking my mail)-
(On who's the boss of her)
"My Daughter- Kids are definitely the boss of you. Anyone who will barge into the room while you're on the commode is the boss of you. And when you explain to them that you're on the commode and that they should leave but they don't? That's a high-level boss."
Tina Fey, I salute you.
It's no secret to those that know me that I'm obsessed with Tina Fey. I grew up watching SNL, begging my parents to let me stay up late to catch it at the age of six. When I was thirteen or so I wanted to be a writer or actor for the show and I wrote a letter to Lorne Michaels explaining my aspirations and plans on getting there. I joined my high school drama class and worked on improvs. But reality is a bitch. Moving to New York would be expensive and I didn't believe I had what it took to make it that far, so I remained a fan instead of a performer and tossed the NYU performance art newsletters that came in the mail periodically.
When Tina Fey came on the scene she was such a breath of fresh air for somebody like me. A girl who wanted to be perceived as smart and witty BEFORE being perceived as sexy. A girl who relied on humor to get her through a lot. She's probably one of my top role models, and not only for myself, but for young women on a whole.
Anyway, as I eagerly devoured the article I came across a quote from her that turned my day around (I was having a shitty one prior to checking my mail)-
(On who's the boss of her)
"My Daughter- Kids are definitely the boss of you. Anyone who will barge into the room while you're on the commode is the boss of you. And when you explain to them that you're on the commode and that they should leave but they don't? That's a high-level boss."
Tina Fey, I salute you.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Who's the Springiest Of Them All...
Yesterday I went out to run a couple errands on my own. No child to buckle in and out of his carseat or be insanely cautious on the road for. No big plans or expectations for the day. Nowhere I NEEDED to be. Nobody I needed to impress or answer to. I drove with the window down and despite the fact that I had only about two hours of sleep the night prior, I felt invigorated. I felt happy and calm and at peace with the world. It was the most happy over absolutely nothing I've felt since I was seventeen, before the world got so complicated. I think Spring, with it's powers of renewal and temperate weather found its way under my tired skin. I breathed, long and smooth and content. Turned up the radio...
And drove into the horizon, meeting it's infiniteness with a smile this time.
And drove into the horizon, meeting it's infiniteness with a smile this time.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Hello, welcome to Lullabies...
I've noticed that I've had a few new followers in the last couple months and I figured it would be a good time to re-introduce myself to newcomers or guests popping on in for a look. You like what you see my friend?
Here's a bit about myself-
* My name is Amanda. I don't particularly like this name (lifetime taunting from schoolboys saying "A MAN! DUH!" and "Amanda Hug and Kiss" left a bitter taste in my mouth regarding my moniker), but it's all I've ever known.
* I'm twenty-three years old and feel as though that number should be flipped.
* I have a three year old son named Jack. You've likely heard or will read about him here often. He's pretty neat and gives me a lot of material to work with. Plus I love him.
* I'm obsessed with music. Like, in love with it. I know what you're thinking "if you love it so much, why don't you marry it?!" Well, I'm working on it...
* I'm also obsessed with: fashion and clothing, different time periods, beautiful things, burlesque, reading, poetry, drinks (I call myself a "drinkie", like a "foodie" but more liquid-y), movies and pop culture, coincidences, cats that act like dogs and dogs that act like people, making lists, Mexican and Italian food, comedy, rainy weather and the delightful little desert town I call home (I realize that my fondness for rain and said desert town are opposing likes, but that's kind of how I roll).
* Speaking of music, a lot of the time you'll find a song at the end of a post. Ever since I've started listening to music I've been reciting lyrics that go along with whatever I happen to be going through at the time. This eventually translated over to my blogging and I started putting a song to go along with the story. It's "the moral of the story", if you will. I hope you don't mind.
* I *TRY* to be as vegan as I can as of late. At worst I'm a pretty lazy vegetarian. And when I start feeling like Charlie Sheen I occasionally have a Sonoran dog (usually this happens in times of great PMS, or as I like to call it "Shark Week") like the Tucson lifer I am. I'll never ingest tiger's blood though.
* My bad habits- picking my split ends, biting my cuticles, preference for naps over human affection sometimes, crying easily...
* But I make a kick ass chili so that should even things out.
* I've been blogging for about eight years, starting with a now defunct-due-to- impulsive-purging Livejournal (I really wish I could go back and read what my sixteen year old self had to say about the world or that boy in English class...), a stint on Myspace and now Blogger.
* Sometimes you might find yourself saying "what the hell is this girl going on about?" I wonder this a lot too.
Here's a picture of what you've gotten yourself into-
"Hi. My name is Amanda and I like things."
Thank you for reading and love you all.
Here's a bit about myself-
* My name is Amanda. I don't particularly like this name (lifetime taunting from schoolboys saying "A MAN! DUH!" and "Amanda Hug and Kiss" left a bitter taste in my mouth regarding my moniker), but it's all I've ever known.
* I'm twenty-three years old and feel as though that number should be flipped.
* I have a three year old son named Jack. You've likely heard or will read about him here often. He's pretty neat and gives me a lot of material to work with. Plus I love him.
* I'm obsessed with music. Like, in love with it. I know what you're thinking "if you love it so much, why don't you marry it?!" Well, I'm working on it...
* I'm also obsessed with: fashion and clothing, different time periods, beautiful things, burlesque, reading, poetry, drinks (I call myself a "drinkie", like a "foodie" but more liquid-y), movies and pop culture, coincidences, cats that act like dogs and dogs that act like people, making lists, Mexican and Italian food, comedy, rainy weather and the delightful little desert town I call home (I realize that my fondness for rain and said desert town are opposing likes, but that's kind of how I roll).
* Speaking of music, a lot of the time you'll find a song at the end of a post. Ever since I've started listening to music I've been reciting lyrics that go along with whatever I happen to be going through at the time. This eventually translated over to my blogging and I started putting a song to go along with the story. It's "the moral of the story", if you will. I hope you don't mind.
* I *TRY* to be as vegan as I can as of late. At worst I'm a pretty lazy vegetarian. And when I start feeling like Charlie Sheen I occasionally have a Sonoran dog (usually this happens in times of great PMS, or as I like to call it "Shark Week") like the Tucson lifer I am. I'll never ingest tiger's blood though.
* My bad habits- picking my split ends, biting my cuticles, preference for naps over human affection sometimes, crying easily...
* But I make a kick ass chili so that should even things out.
* I've been blogging for about eight years, starting with a now defunct-due-to- impulsive-purging Livejournal (I really wish I could go back and read what my sixteen year old self had to say about the world or that boy in English class...), a stint on Myspace and now Blogger.
* Sometimes you might find yourself saying "what the hell is this girl going on about?" I wonder this a lot too.
Here's a picture of what you've gotten yourself into-
"Hi. My name is Amanda and I like things."
Thank you for reading and love you all.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Photo Dump (mmm sounds appetizing!)
My 30 Day Dare went MIA this month. When the computer crashed I stopped taking pictures because I couldn't upload them and I was waiting for the news of whether the pictures that were on the hardrive, the music, everything, could be recovered. If they couldn't-
But since they did...
So here you go-
Cow friends I stumbled upon.
Minus one computer+cabin fever= list making madness. I somehow managed to make BLOGGING into a list. I started drinking whiskey with some bartender named Lloyd shortly after...
Jack getting cracked out on the biggest churro I've ever seen. Signs of a churro habit include sugar glazed smiling, saying "OH YEAH" a lot and then running in circles.
Since my mother-in-law knew I'd be home all day alone with Jack on my birthday she came by with some treats from AJ's (AKA- Purveyor Of Bomb Ass Confections!) and a gift card to Target!
From my book on the British Invasion.
My trinket catchall.
One of my favorite accessories.
The only person I allow to steal my blankets (Greg gets a cold foot on the thigh if he attempts such things).
The lovely Mrs. Sydney and myself at the Mod Foto Au-Go-Go party Saturday. You can read her blog here!
Dress- vintage via Preen
Tights- Target
Shoes- Famous Footwear (and the most comfortable heels for dancing if ever such a shoe existed!)
And there you have it. A lot of random pictures.
But since they did...
So here you go-
The Jons at Che's Lounge (blurry yes, AWESOME music? YES!)
Cow friends I stumbled upon.
Minus one computer+cabin fever= list making madness. I somehow managed to make BLOGGING into a list. I started drinking whiskey with some bartender named Lloyd shortly after...
Jack getting cracked out on the biggest churro I've ever seen. Signs of a churro habit include sugar glazed smiling, saying "OH YEAH" a lot and then running in circles.
Since my mother-in-law knew I'd be home all day alone with Jack on my birthday she came by with some treats from AJ's (AKA- Purveyor Of Bomb Ass Confections!) and a gift card to Target!
From my book on the British Invasion.
My trinket catchall.
One of my favorite accessories.
The only person I allow to steal my blankets (Greg gets a cold foot on the thigh if he attempts such things).
The lovely Mrs. Sydney and myself at the Mod Foto Au-Go-Go party Saturday. You can read her blog here!
Dress- vintage via Preen
Tights- Target
Shoes- Famous Footwear (and the most comfortable heels for dancing if ever such a shoe existed!)
And there you have it. A lot of random pictures.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Friday Fondue
I've got a long weekend lined up in the best kind of way. Since my birthday fell on a Tuesday we decided we'd do something this Saturday. My in-laws will be having us over for dinner and general merriment and Saturday night I have a little event lined up that I've been looking forward to for a couple weeks. I've got a feeling Sunday will be devoted to curing a headache...
So! Here's what tickled my fancy on the web this week!
Found this to be hilarious (though NSFW or young ears as there are some curse words).
Love these initial pendants and this "Little Lady" harmonica!
Cake Wrecks made me struggle to keep coffee from ruining my keyboard with these gems.
Some adorable looks via Lookbook.
Oh Modcloth, you do me so right!
Gorgeous Oaxacan buildings.
So adorable I wanted to scream.
I think this photo of Natalie Portman is lovely.
Why we miss Clarissa Explains It All.
Oh the hours I could waste at Pinterest. Insta-inspiration.
I've had this song stuck in my head for a couple days now.
And that's all for now! I haven't done much internet cruising, mostly catching up after the Great Crash of 2011. I'm planning on errands and Netflix tonight (making Greg watch "The Last Exorcism" because I'm the worst wife ever!) and enjoying MAYBE a wee bit of calm before the festivities. Here's wishing you all a wonderful weekend!
The Fetus Made Me Do It
It's come to my attention that there are quite a few ladies of the blogosphere who are currently with child. Reading about the food cravings and aversions, the sonograms and moodiness have made me think about my own pregnancy. So! For fun I decided to write down all my pregnancy weirdness.
For starters, I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was almost three months along. I had irregular periods for years (sometimes even going so much as six months without one) so when mine didn't show up I figured "meh, I guess it's all off schedule again." I had just moved in with Greg and we were enjoying the freedoms of co-habitation. Basically, I was drinking rum and cokes every night, staying up late, eating more Chinese food than one really should, smoking, etc. My habits weren't what one would call "admirable". Once I suddenly COULD NOT STAND "eewwwww get the fuck away from me" cigarettes, I knew something was off. I called one of my girlfriends at the time and told her about my weird new aversions and she did what any good friend would do-
"You need to take a pregnancy test you moron."
"Okay. Fine......fuck."
I told Greg what was up and we went to the store to pick up a pregnancy test. It took the test about four of the estimated thirty seconds to tell me the result of my months of carelessness. I was pregnant. SO pregnant in fact that the test practically laughed in my face. I probably could have held the thing under my arm like I was taking my temperature and it would've had the same result. I. was. knocked. UP.
Once we knew we went back to the store and picked up the necessities for a vegetarian pregnancy. Because when I go, I go all the way. Not only was I going to be a mother, I was going to be vegetarian! A healthy, glowing, animal meat-free, baby making vessel. That lasted a good couple months...
Here is how everything else went down:
Month 3-4
Food cravings- HAD to have tomato soup with a gigantic spoonful of cream cheese and pepper in it at least twice a day. Salads with so many toppings on it it negated the fact that it was a salad, Italian orangeblood soda, blueberry smoothies, Eegee's or as I've now taken to calling it- "The Tucson Pregnancy Test" (every girl I've known that's gotten pregnant suddenly NEEDS to have Eegee's at all hours, I was not an exception).
Aversions- Wakefulness. I was hit with fatigue so hard I pretty much lived in our bed from month 2-4.
Weird behaviors- A strong urge to watch Sex and the City re-runs. The ones where Miranda is pregnant. And our roomates dogs suddenly became my best friends, one of them taking on the role of guardian while Greg was at work. He would follow me from room to room and lay at my feet or watch me. When the other, a much too playful and gigantic Great Dane (who was still just a puppy) would try to accost me for mischief, guardian dog would herd her into another room and growl at her. I thought that dog trying to keep me safe was one of the sweetest things I'd ever seen.
Month 4-5
Food cravings- Hot Cheetos. Give the pregnant girl the hot cheetos and nobody gets hurt.
Aversions- None. This was the point where I was getting ready to eat EVERYTHING.
Weird behaviors- Being perma-horny. If you could get pregnant while still being pregnant I'd be Nadya Suleman right now.
Month 5-6
Food cravings- Sonoran hotdogs and sonoran hotdogs exclusively. By now my plans to be a glowing earth mama went out the window and I started my morph into Rosie O'Donnell. Don't know what a sonoran dog is? Check out this clip-
Before Adam Richman, I was at Guero Canelo every other day, elbow deep in about six doggies.
Aversions- Not eating.
Weird behaviors- Crying jags. I would cry a lot.
Month 6-7
See above.
Month 7-8
Food cravings- Coconut curry popcorn shrimp, egg drop soup, lo mein.
Aversions- Getting dressed, being asked "when are you due?"
Weird behaviors- The NEED to smell chemicals. Plastic, gasoline and leather being my main scents. I would sniff the shower liner and steal Greg's wallet and just sit in bed and inhale the leather.
Month 8-9
Food Cravings- Hamburgers, anything horrible for my waistline/health.
Aversions- Everybody.
Weird behaviors- Incessant cleaning...and the biting off of heads if things weren't clean enough! The night before I started going into labor I began scrubbing the carpet while simultaneously yelling at Greg for having his shoes on in the house and smudging (imaginary) dirt around.
What were your crazy pregnancy habits, cravings, loves?
For starters, I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was almost three months along. I had irregular periods for years (sometimes even going so much as six months without one) so when mine didn't show up I figured "meh, I guess it's all off schedule again." I had just moved in with Greg and we were enjoying the freedoms of co-habitation. Basically, I was drinking rum and cokes every night, staying up late, eating more Chinese food than one really should, smoking, etc. My habits weren't what one would call "admirable". Once I suddenly COULD NOT STAND "eewwwww get the fuck away from me" cigarettes, I knew something was off. I called one of my girlfriends at the time and told her about my weird new aversions and she did what any good friend would do-
"You need to take a pregnancy test you moron."
"Okay. Fine......fuck."
I told Greg what was up and we went to the store to pick up a pregnancy test. It took the test about four of the estimated thirty seconds to tell me the result of my months of carelessness. I was pregnant. SO pregnant in fact that the test practically laughed in my face. I probably could have held the thing under my arm like I was taking my temperature and it would've had the same result. I. was. knocked. UP.
Once we knew we went back to the store and picked up the necessities for a vegetarian pregnancy. Because when I go, I go all the way. Not only was I going to be a mother, I was going to be vegetarian! A healthy, glowing, animal meat-free, baby making vessel. That lasted a good couple months...
Here is how everything else went down:
Month 3-4
Food cravings- HAD to have tomato soup with a gigantic spoonful of cream cheese and pepper in it at least twice a day. Salads with so many toppings on it it negated the fact that it was a salad, Italian orangeblood soda, blueberry smoothies, Eegee's or as I've now taken to calling it- "The Tucson Pregnancy Test" (every girl I've known that's gotten pregnant suddenly NEEDS to have Eegee's at all hours, I was not an exception).
Aversions- Wakefulness. I was hit with fatigue so hard I pretty much lived in our bed from month 2-4.
Weird behaviors- A strong urge to watch Sex and the City re-runs. The ones where Miranda is pregnant. And our roomates dogs suddenly became my best friends, one of them taking on the role of guardian while Greg was at work. He would follow me from room to room and lay at my feet or watch me. When the other, a much too playful and gigantic Great Dane (who was still just a puppy) would try to accost me for mischief, guardian dog would herd her into another room and growl at her. I thought that dog trying to keep me safe was one of the sweetest things I'd ever seen.
Month 4-5
Food cravings- Hot Cheetos. Give the pregnant girl the hot cheetos and nobody gets hurt.
Aversions- None. This was the point where I was getting ready to eat EVERYTHING.
Weird behaviors- Being perma-horny. If you could get pregnant while still being pregnant I'd be Nadya Suleman right now.
Month 5-6
Food cravings- Sonoran hotdogs and sonoran hotdogs exclusively. By now my plans to be a glowing earth mama went out the window and I started my morph into Rosie O'Donnell. Don't know what a sonoran dog is? Check out this clip-
Before Adam Richman, I was at Guero Canelo every other day, elbow deep in about six doggies.
Aversions- Not eating.
Weird behaviors- Crying jags. I would cry a lot.
Month 6-7
See above.
Month 7-8
Food cravings- Coconut curry popcorn shrimp, egg drop soup, lo mein.
Aversions- Getting dressed, being asked "when are you due?"
Weird behaviors- The NEED to smell chemicals. Plastic, gasoline and leather being my main scents. I would sniff the shower liner and steal Greg's wallet and just sit in bed and inhale the leather.
Month 8-9
Food Cravings- Hamburgers, anything horrible for my waistline/health.
Aversions- Everybody.
Weird behaviors- Incessant cleaning...and the biting off of heads if things weren't clean enough! The night before I started going into labor I began scrubbing the carpet while simultaneously yelling at Greg for having his shoes on in the house and smudging (imaginary) dirt around.
What were your crazy pregnancy habits, cravings, loves?
Thursday, March 3, 2011
The Unbearable Heaviness Of Growing
"Mommy! Mommy! Mommmmmy!"
"OK, fine, you can come in here for a little bit. Five minutes and then it's bed time okay?"
"OK."
I listened to his approaching footsteps, his blanket dragging along, and I KNEW he'd have Panda lovingly head-locked in his arms. Jack curled up between us in the ditch we make from different sleeping patterns—the so-called Equator of Restlessness—as he made it his own. For whatever reason, he laid down by our legs, head hitting my hip, unlike the usual curly hairs tickling my nose, seizing its territory across my pillow.
I stared out the window, watching car lights hit the panes and travel across the walls. We all laid still, silent, calm. As I closed my eyes, a tiny hand reached up and tucked itself in my palm.
Never has this happened before. Jack is very catlike, doling out affection where he sees fit, pushing it away when it comes on too strong. Usually, I wait, watching for holes in his armor, sneaking kisses and cuddles through those holes when I can.
An even deeper silence fell over the room. There, our hands held each other for a mere minute, and then...
"I'm going to go to bed now."
"OK buddy, goodnight."
"Goodnight."
I watched Jack’s head disappear into his room and released the grip that held my chest together, exhaling the fumes of reality through my nose.
My baby is gone.
My baby is now but a mere memory, stored away as jpegs on my hard drive and old clothing folded in the back of the closet.
In less than a week Jack will be three, though I haven't fully accepted this fact. How could I? It seems like only yesterday that I locked him into his car seat for the first time, laying my head against his tiny armrest, gazing at him the entire way home. Both our eyes wet, adjusting to a new world, trying to see things in focus. I cried when a certain song came on. It was too much.
"This is too much. This is so big."
Last night, as his hand left mine, a tiny death occurred inside me. One neither of mourning nor regret, though I knew that moment would be one of the last of its kind. A young child looking for reassurance from his mother, reaching up to make sure she's still there. Reaching up...
He's chasing the world down, ready for more. My place has been reduced from motherly hovercraft and guardian angel to sideline sitter; now merely watching, pushing him on. He won’t need me to hold his hand much longer.
But I'll keep it within reach.
"OK, fine, you can come in here for a little bit. Five minutes and then it's bed time okay?"
"OK."
I listened to his approaching footsteps, his blanket dragging along, and I KNEW he'd have Panda lovingly head-locked in his arms. Jack curled up between us in the ditch we make from different sleeping patterns—the so-called Equator of Restlessness—as he made it his own. For whatever reason, he laid down by our legs, head hitting my hip, unlike the usual curly hairs tickling my nose, seizing its territory across my pillow.
I stared out the window, watching car lights hit the panes and travel across the walls. We all laid still, silent, calm. As I closed my eyes, a tiny hand reached up and tucked itself in my palm.
Never has this happened before. Jack is very catlike, doling out affection where he sees fit, pushing it away when it comes on too strong. Usually, I wait, watching for holes in his armor, sneaking kisses and cuddles through those holes when I can.
An even deeper silence fell over the room. There, our hands held each other for a mere minute, and then...
"I'm going to go to bed now."
"OK buddy, goodnight."
"Goodnight."
I watched Jack’s head disappear into his room and released the grip that held my chest together, exhaling the fumes of reality through my nose.
My baby is gone.
My baby is now but a mere memory, stored away as jpegs on my hard drive and old clothing folded in the back of the closet.
In less than a week Jack will be three, though I haven't fully accepted this fact. How could I? It seems like only yesterday that I locked him into his car seat for the first time, laying my head against his tiny armrest, gazing at him the entire way home. Both our eyes wet, adjusting to a new world, trying to see things in focus. I cried when a certain song came on. It was too much.
"This is too much. This is so big."
Last night, as his hand left mine, a tiny death occurred inside me. One neither of mourning nor regret, though I knew that moment would be one of the last of its kind. A young child looking for reassurance from his mother, reaching up to make sure she's still there. Reaching up...
He's chasing the world down, ready for more. My place has been reduced from motherly hovercraft and guardian angel to sideline sitter; now merely watching, pushing him on. He won’t need me to hold his hand much longer.
But I'll keep it within reach.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
One thing is for sure...
I always make passes at boys who wear glasses...
To those bespectacled, I salute you.
To those bespectacled, I salute you.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
23 years
When I was seventeen I imagined myself at twenty-three to be an independent woman. I was going to be an artist in one way or another. I was going to be a writer or a starving writer at the very least. A cliche in a studio apartment with packs of Parliament Lights aside my trusty laptop. I was going to be in love with a boy by then, I knew that much, because I always am. I was going to be stylish and clever and cut through the world with my own rules.
I'm twenty-three today.
I made myself a writer, in whatever way I see fit.
I suppose you can call me an artist...
I'm definitely in love with a boy...
I suppose some days I'm clever, when the coffee is brewed right. Stylish, when the hours are favorable.
I didn't expect twenty-three to look QUITE like it does right now. I guess I've cut through the world with my own rules. Ever changing, ever evolving.
Today I am twenty-three.
My body has changed and so has my heart, both better and worse for the wear. Softer, some seams fraying, some spots calloused and worn, some hairs out of place. I have my health, I have my mind, I have some dance moves tucked away for a special occasion. I have friends older and new, silver and gold. I have a song or two. I'm still singing...
Today I am twenty-three.
And I still recognized the face in the mirror this morning.
I'm twenty-three today.
I made myself a writer, in whatever way I see fit.
I suppose you can call me an artist...
I'm definitely in love with a boy...
I suppose some days I'm clever, when the coffee is brewed right. Stylish, when the hours are favorable.
I didn't expect twenty-three to look QUITE like it does right now. I guess I've cut through the world with my own rules. Ever changing, ever evolving.
Today I am twenty-three.
My body has changed and so has my heart, both better and worse for the wear. Softer, some seams fraying, some spots calloused and worn, some hairs out of place. I have my health, I have my mind, I have some dance moves tucked away for a special occasion. I have friends older and new, silver and gold. I have a song or two. I'm still singing...
Today I am twenty-three.
And I still recognized the face in the mirror this morning.
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