Friday, March 4, 2011

The Fetus Made Me Do It

It's come to my attention that there are quite a few ladies of the blogosphere who are currently with child. Reading about the food cravings and aversions, the sonograms and moodiness have made me think about my own pregnancy. So! For fun I decided to write down all my pregnancy weirdness.

For starters, I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was almost three months along. I had irregular periods for years (sometimes even going so much as six months without one) so when mine didn't show up I figured "meh, I guess it's all off schedule again." I had just moved in with Greg and we were enjoying the freedoms of co-habitation. Basically, I was drinking rum and cokes every night, staying up late, eating more Chinese food than one really should, smoking, etc. My habits weren't what one would call "admirable". Once I suddenly COULD NOT STAND "eewwwww get the fuck away from me" cigarettes, I knew something was off. I called one of my girlfriends at the time and told her about my weird new aversions and she did what any good friend would do-
"You need to take a pregnancy test you moron."
"Okay. Fine......fuck."
I told Greg what was up and we went to the store to pick up a pregnancy test. It took the test about four of the estimated thirty seconds to tell me the result of my months of carelessness. I was pregnant. SO pregnant in fact that the test practically laughed in my face. I probably could have held the thing under my arm like I was taking my temperature and it would've had the same result. I. was. knocked. UP.
Once we knew we went back to the store and picked up the necessities for a vegetarian pregnancy. Because when I go, I go all the way. Not only was I going to be a mother, I was going to be vegetarian! A healthy, glowing, animal meat-free, baby making vessel. That lasted a good couple months...
Here is how everything else went down:

Month 3-4
Food cravings- HAD to have tomato soup with a gigantic spoonful of cream cheese and pepper in it at least twice a day. Salads with so many toppings on it it negated the fact that it was a salad, Italian orangeblood soda, blueberry smoothies, Eegee's or as I've now taken to calling it- "The Tucson Pregnancy Test" (every girl I've known that's gotten pregnant suddenly NEEDS to have Eegee's at all hours, I was not an exception).
Aversions- Wakefulness. I was hit with fatigue so hard I pretty much lived in our bed from month 2-4.
Weird behaviors- A strong urge to watch Sex and the City re-runs. The ones where Miranda is pregnant. And our roomates dogs suddenly became my best friends, one of them taking on the role of guardian while Greg was at work. He would follow me from room to room and lay at my feet or watch me. When the other, a much too playful and gigantic Great Dane (who was still just a puppy) would try to accost me for mischief, guardian dog would herd her into another room and growl at her. I thought that dog trying to keep me safe was one of the sweetest things I'd ever seen.

Month 4-5
Food cravings- Hot Cheetos. Give the pregnant girl the hot cheetos and nobody gets hurt.
Aversions- None. This was the point where I was getting ready to eat EVERYTHING.
Weird behaviors- Being perma-horny. If you could get pregnant while still being pregnant I'd be Nadya Suleman right now.

Month 5-6
Food cravings- Sonoran hotdogs and sonoran hotdogs exclusively. By now my plans to be a glowing earth mama went out the window and I started my morph into Rosie O'Donnell. Don't know what a sonoran dog is? Check out this clip-

Before Adam Richman, I was at Guero Canelo every other day, elbow deep in about six doggies.
Aversions- Not eating.
Weird behaviors- Crying jags. I would cry a lot.

Month 6-7
See above.

Month 7-8
Food cravings- Coconut curry popcorn shrimp, egg drop soup, lo mein.
Aversions- Getting dressed, being asked "when are you due?"
Weird behaviors- The NEED to smell chemicals. Plastic, gasoline and leather being my main scents. I would sniff the shower liner and steal Greg's wallet and just sit in bed and inhale the leather.

Month 8-9
Food Cravings- Hamburgers, anything horrible for my waistline/health.
Aversions- Everybody.
Weird behaviors- Incessant cleaning...and the biting off of heads if things weren't clean enough! The night before I started going into labor I began scrubbing the carpet while simultaneously yelling at Greg for having his shoes on in the house and smudging (imaginary) dirt around.

What were your crazy pregnancy habits, cravings, loves?


wonderchris said...

What a great list!!! I love how colorful your pregnancy was! I look forward to getting knocked up and I'll share my list!

Happy Friday!

Bonnie @ This Young Mama said...

I was addicted to sonoran dogs... No wait, My kid is turning 2 next month and I'm still addicted. I'm surprised he didnt come out smelling like beans and hotdogs! I totally agree with the eegees thing, I made my husband bring me some a couple hours after I delivered.

Rashel said...

bahahaha!!!! this post is ah-mazing. i am glad i'm not the only one who like to smell strange things. i was obsessed with soap. so weird. it smelled like heaven to me.

flyrish said...

Love it! Also, hilarious. I'm in the midst of writing a post about my 1st trimester since I'm just ending it. I never wrote about my first pregnancy, so there's bound to be a lot of comparing on my part. I had such a sweet tooth the first time around and it looks like it's reared its ugly head again.

Tanya (a Taste of T) said...

They've changed so much along the way but currently granola bars

<3, New Follower
Come get a dose of laughter at A Taste of Ta

Amanda said...

@Bonnie- I totally picked up Eegee's on my way home from the hospital! That's so funny! My theory holds!

@Rashel- I heard my great-grandmother wanted to eat dirt and clay. So soap isn't toooo weird! Actually, reading about other women's pregnancies and after experiencing my own, I'd say, in the realm of pregnancy, NOTHING is weird!

@Flyrish- OMG! Congrats! Can't wait to read along!

@Tanya- Before I found out I was pregnant I was working in a spa and we'd put out granola bars and nuts and stuff for the guests. I ate the crap out of them. Thanks for followin'!

Chelsea said...

I went through the perma-horny stage with conrad's pregnancy and now I dont even want to be touched for fear that dustin is killing our baby! ;)

I have intense food cravings too. I've been WAY better about not giving into all of my fattening-empty calorie foods though lately. Today for breakfast I had a veggie smoothie, decaf coffee, orange juice and 3 egg whites. Lunch: 2 egg whites, a tall glass of milk, an orange and a half a pb & j, Dinner: homemade pizza with crap loads of artichockes on them. Yum. My midwife/doula has been on my ass about eating better.

Woman have some crazy cravings though when they're pregnant! I remember wanting to lick dustins arm pits with conrad because his deoderant smelled so good. It still makes my mouth water.