Lift up the rug

One of my favorite bloggers Rebecca Woolf (I have sung her praises and will continue to indefinitely due to her honest way of writing, her candid humor, kindness and just plain awesomeness)* posted a new question to the women of Momversation- What would you be doing if you didn't have children?

This question is a doozy for some. It can hit you over the head with truth, fantasy, honesty, happiness for the present or sadness for the past. That same question has been looming over my head begging for an answer that I had previously pushed to the backburner, unable to think about it due to taking care of Jack, being caught up in the moments of parenthood, being frightened or even hurt of the outcome of such unanswered rhetorical questions. It wasn't until visiting with family did I think of it after my cousin said "and to think you never used to want kids. You used to say it all the time."
I didn't want children four years ago. I didn't want the never ending responsibilities and truths that come with parenting. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to travel. I wanted to wake up late in sun drenched beds, boyfriend by my side and explore the day on my own time. When I found out I was pregnant everything went grey. Those days of wandering around, spending all day in libraries, writing poetry and smoking were put in a cell, awaiting their execution once the newest priority arrived, swaddled in blankets and needing a changing.
Greg and I were going through a somewhat rockier phase in our relationship. We had just celebrated our first anniversary and it seemed like "what now?" was the main course question on our plates. We were entering the stage where couples get comfortable. Courting sort of becomes a fading sentiment and flowers are given only on holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. Make-up isn't applied as religiously and sometimes bathroom doors are just kept open. Being young you fear this stage as "boredom", as a slow suicide to romance. I know now that this isn't the case but back then...
I had just quit my job. A short sided attempt at saying "fuck the man" that immediately resulted in the man fucking my bank account and credit. Greg had just finished getting his Masters in Biochemical Engineering, yet had no luck finding a job in his field for about four months and instead took a job in telemarketing to make money for rent, car insurance and Hormel Compleats. I couldn't find a damn thing, something that bruised my ego as I had always found jobs easily. After the positive test came through, nobody wanted to hire the pregnant girl. Eventually after much grind, arguments stemmed from stress, and living with my dad for a few months to get back on our feet, Greg found a great job in his field, we moved to Oro Valley and in five months Jack joined us. We became a family. But "what would you be doing if you didn't have children?"
It's hard for me to really say. A part of me thinks Greg and I would have broken up. I would have moved in with my grandmother or friend and started classes at the local community college (I had started enrolling before I moved in with Greg). Maybe I'd major in literature. A part of me thinks Greg and I would stick together and be "the sweet couple who's working on their dissertations together". A part of me thinks I'd just be alone. The lone wolf part of my soul taking precedence over relationships and everything they involve. I will forever be those two fish swimming in opposite directions at times able to go one way for a long time, but not without looking back behind me. And that's okay. It's okay to think "what if?" It can lead to revelations, reignite passions, propel you to make things better. Stick in there, but don't get stuck.
These days I don't fear the future and I don't regret my past. If I never had Jack I'd have loads of growing to do. And all of those things I wanted to do are never out of reach anyway. The lone wolf simply found her pack.



* I actually e-mailed Mrs. Woolf one day after she released her book "Rockabye: From Wild to Child" which was everything I had wanted to write about my experience with an unplanned pregnancy but she had written better. I thanked her for her words and ability to write all too kindred feelings. She responded that evening, and was the most sweet, down-to-earth, and empowering woman.

Me and my drum

It never fails. The weeks leading up to the holidays I find myself in a sort of existential funk. I curse the heightened traffic and consumerism. I hide in my apartment to avoid people because my mood would only taint their day.

"I have no gift to bring"...

Some would say I'm a Grinch and I'll spark back "I've always loved Dr. Seuss!" Some would say "maybe you should see a doctor about SAD" but I'll cover my ears thinking "it's always something..."

But something switches come Christmas Eve. An overwhelming gratitude for my family and the people that love me, the people I love. It's like somebody lit up every Technicolor light in my soul and no comforter over my head will dim it.

It is then that I realize what the holidays are about. It's not hating the world for the want of shiny new objects. There's not much I can do about that. It's not shaking my fist at the lady that cut me off. That happens regardless of the season. It's about family. The gathering of spirit.

"Shall I play for you..."

This year I have a son who will be semi-aware of all of this, and to me there is almost nothing more beautiful. To see lights and love through his eyes. To rekindle the sparkle that was in mine and feel the incredible bigness in the room.

So to my readers, I wish you all the same. Joy, happiness, health, and above all love. Happy Holidays to you all.

What Dreams May Come...

Sometimes you may experience odd dreams that make you think "What the hell? Should I start cutting out sugar from my diet?" But for me its almost a nightly occurrence. Sometimes I remember them and other times they are too bizarre to recall properly so I let them escape, but mostly I keep them to myself because "who would ever get this?" Well, last night was one of those weird but memorable ones and just for the hell of it I thought I'd share, and who knows, maybe this will become a regular segment on this blog- "Where in the World is Amanda's Subconscious".

So yesterday while feeling sub-par I was watching some movie they decided to play on Flix (yep, it's 2009 and "cks" has now been replaced by "x"...this is where the bald Indian guy turns around and emits one solitary tear). It was called "Perfect Opposites" starring Piper Perabo and some generic white guy that I don't care enough about to Google. He was a chode in the movie anyway.

Insert Piper Perabo as Sidekick-

"Hi! I'm blonde and spunky and here for mischief! Totally!"

In this dream we're two gals on the town in downtown L.A. We're easy, breezy and I have my pre-baby body (WOOT!). Naturally, we rule the world and wear killer shoes. On this lovely day about town we decide "hey lets smoke some weed!" I'm not much of a weed smoker in real life. I've tried it a few times in high school and it hurt my throat, made me smile to much and only gave me the magical ability to eat two or three sleeves of Oreo's which clear headed I can't stand. I digress...We duck into this little head shop and start browsing bongs errr, "water pipes" and other paraphernalia when I decide I'm going to do it old school and have a doobie. Not this doobie-
In this dream I can walk all over LA in stilettos but I can't roll a blunt to save my life so ask the clerk for assistance. Yeah, this is a REAL legit head shop. That's when I look up and realize the counter girl is a dead ringer for Kat Von D.

"Hi, let me assist you in your cannabis needs."

For the next few minutes I'm enamored because hot girls with tattoos are up there on my list of likes. Right below spring rolls and Mystery Science Theater 3000. We're shooting the shit and laughing and just having a merry 'ol time when DUNDUNDUN-

Insert Robert Downey Jr. as a narcotics officer!

"Hi. You really have a grasp on irony don't you?!"

Everyone starts darting out of there. The skaters in faded Zero t-shirts, the dudes in the back looking guilty, and even Piper! What the hell Piper. I look at the Kat Von D-lite behind the counter and see the terror in her face. Immediately I want to help her out because she's cute and had very nimble fingers due to the craftsmanship that went into rolling up that smoke for me.

"Not today Robert Downey Jr.!" I think to myself. And thats when it happened. I went into vixen mode.

--------This is where it gets a little R-rated people, so you've been warned---------

I grab his hand and being the great authority figure he is, he actually followed me. I look back and wink at the counter girl, "you can thank me later, sparkly eyes." I lead RDJ down an alley and proceed to stand screw him. I'm very nimble in these dreams. And thats how RDJ and I became a couple.



After that it got kind of blurry. All I can really remember is Robert left me for my real life friend Jessica.


Hi Jess! Isn't she cute? I could totally see why Robert would leave me for her. She's petite and smart and I have really broad shoulders.

And I went on to become involved with an angry but dapper Irish man. Eventually Robert wanted me back and I was all "uh uh, you left me. Your loss. Try and find a chick that saves a head shop by molesting a narcotics officer in an alley again. I dare you!" And then Dapper Angry Irish Dude was all "lay off my woman!" and he decked Robert in the face. We had a little Spanish friend that lived with us and she was like "Ay dios mio!"

After that I had more weird dreams. Something involving a restaurant in Paris, boa constrictors and me falling off a bike.

All in a nights sleep my friends. All in a nights sleep.




Fin

Not to be a broken record...

I had posted a Regina Spektor blog a couple days ago and I found a newer song that really resonated with me, so I had to post it. The lyrics, the piano. I'm a sucker for piano playing/players/piano's themselves. When Greg gets started I turn into Pamela Des Barres. This song was a whisper to my soul and it moved me enough to add some tears to my morning coffee. So here you go-




*Also, I'll most definitely be adding a few "fashion friday" pics early. I found a couple pieces at Buffalo this weekend so I figured I'd add those now, since I've been putting off fashion themed posts due to being busy, PMS and a damn procrastinator.

Cloud beds and music

It's Monday and the letdown of a four day weekend ending seemingly abruptly has left me with the "doldrums". All I want to is lay in this-


This will also do


Listen to this-

With this on my nightstand-

And the window cracked just enough to fog the room with it's crisp post-rain winter weather but leaving the bed a nest of body heat and drowsiness.
A cat purring next to my belly wouldn't be too bad either.

Yes, this would be nice. Are you there God? It's me Amanda...

Muse of the Day

Regina Spektor



Because with her auburn hair and corral lips not to mention her whimsy and piano ballads, what's not to like? I often think if Greg and I had a daughter 29 years ago, it would be her. Greg with his classical piano training and me with a penchant for enjoying lyrics like "Mary Anne's a bitch!" sung with only the reckless abandon that one generally achieves after a good ol' swig (or 7) of whiskey, she seems like a perfect combo. She's one of the few artists we can agree on in the car and for that I love her.



It's really no wonder why we chose her for a frequenter in our wedding mix (I didn't hire a DJ so instead I painstakingly arranged music, all eight hours worth, in a very particular order- vows, dinner, mingling, dancing, drunk time). Here's my favorite off that list-

What the what?!

Jack has recently taken a liking to "The Wiggles" and consequently my Advil migraine intake has also increased. I can't say it doesn't have its little perks though because have you seen a toddler dance? Here's a video to prove it-

(Jack has also taken a liking to Gogol Bordello thanks to his father)




On another note are there any moms out there that know of a good moisturizing lotion for the hands? I say moms since they may know of the incessant hand washing that comes with toddlers AND flu season and how one mysteriously needs to do something that will result in hand washing only to wash away freshly applied lotion! That is all.

My ABC's

Since Jack has decided to sleep in past me (what?!) I decided to do this little number.

A - AVAILABLE: Nope.
B - BIRTHDAY: March 1
C - CRUSHING ON: Nobody, maybe Alexa Chung.
D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: Water, but will be moving on to my Patron Saint of Sanity-Coffee.
E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Those who "get it".
F - FAVORITE SONG: Currently "Wedding Bell" by Beach House, but I have to many to list.
G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: Both. I like a good ol' fashioned gummy creature orgy.
H - HOMETOWN: Phoenix, AZ, but I'd like to change it now to Tucson. Officially.
I - IN LOVE WITH: Fall weather, seasonal coffees, Trader Joe's Madeleines.
J - JUGGLE: Life.
K - KILLED SOMEONE: Maybe on Grand Theft Auto back in the day. But that hooker had it coming.
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: Tucson to California. Since then I have vowed no more road trips ever.
M- MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Not a big milkshake person, I can only handle so much lactose.
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: Two sweet and vulgar little brothers.
O - ONE WISH: Success in building a great act.
P - PERSON YOU CALLED LAST: Greg maybe. Or my mom as I've vowed to start calling people back (I avoid the phone like it's been slobbered on by a herpes monster).
Q- QUICKIE: Yes please.
R- REASON TO SMILE: See "I".
S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: "Pure Morning" by Placebo.
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 6:51, but my head hurt so everything went on lock down until 9.
U - UNDERWEAR COLOR/PATTERN: Flesh.
V - VEGETABLE(S): Green beans
W - WORST HABIT: Procrastinating.
X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: One.
Y – YOYOS ARE: Alright, I suppose.
Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Pisces, and a very cliche one I might add!

Random Questions About You:

Spell your name without vowels: MND MRTN
What color do you wear most?: I have no idea. Grey maybe? Black, white, etc.
Least favorite color?: Beige. It's just too soulless.
What are you listening to?: Feist (she has a good vibe for Fall).
Are you happy with your life right now?: Somewhat. I think there are always things to improve on though.
What is your favorite class in school?: It was English. Drama was fun too.
Are you outgoing?: In varying degrees.
Favorite pair of shoes?: Currently a pair of pumps I recently bought.
Where do you wish you were right now?: Seattle, maybe.

THE CANS:

Can you dance?: Sure.
Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth?: Nope.
Can you whistle?: Not very well.
Write with both hands?: Nope.
can you walk with your toes curled?: Probably.

THE DO'S:

Do you believe there is life on other planets?: Yes.
Do you believe in miracles?: Here and there.
Do you believe in magic?: Natural magic yes.
Love at first sight?: Lust yes, love no.
Do you believe in Satan?: Meh.
Do you believe in Santa?: Not anymore.
Do you like roller coasters?: Yes!
Do you think you could handle the stuff they eat on those reality shows?: I highly, highly doubt it.

THE HAVES:

Have you ever been on a plane?: Yes
Have you ever asked someone out?: Sort of, in that casual way.
Have you ever been to the ocean?: Yes
Have you ever painted your nails?: Of course!
THE WHATS:

What is the temperature outside? A very nice 53 degrees.
What radio station do you listen to?: None, I don't care for the slop they play these days.
What was the last restaurant you ate at?: Coco's.
What was the last thing you bought?: Diapers and food.
What was the last thing on TV you watched?: 30 Rock.

THE WHOS:

Who was the last person you IM'd? Colleen
Who was the last person you took a picture of?: Jack
Who was the last person you said I love you to?: Greg

CRYING SECTION:

Ever really cried your heart out?: Yes.
Ever cried yourself to sleep?:Yes.
Ever cried on your friend's shoulder?: Yes.
Ever cried over the opposite sex?: Yes.
Do you cry when you get an injury?: If it really hurts.
Do certain songs make you cry?:Not many lately, but a few have.
LOVE SECTION.

How many times have you had your heart broken?: Once, I think.
What is your current hair color?: Brown-ish red.
Current piercings: None, my ears have closed up twice and I haven't gotten around to re-piercing them.
Have any tattoos?: Two and plenty more to come (one day I plan on having both arms quarter sleeved).
Eye color?: Varying degrees of brown.

IN A BOY/GIRL:

Favorite eye color: Green, hazel, brown.
Short or long hair: Short and shaggy.
Height?: Something about an inch taller than me and up.
Best clothing: Something dapper on occasion.

HAVE YOU EVER:

Been to jail: Only to bail someone out.
Mooned someone: No, I don't think so.
Ran away from home: Nope.
Laughed so hard you cried: All the time.
Cried in school: Yes.
Thrown up in a store: Almost. I was pregnant!
Is there something really stupid that you still laugh at today?: All sorts of little things here and there.
THIS OR THAT:

Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi
McDonald's or Burger King: Wendy's.
Single or Group Dates: Single
Chocolate or Vanilla: Both.
Strawberries or Blueberries: Strawberries
Meat or Veggies: Both
TV or Movie: Depends what's out or on.
Guitar or Drums: Drums are more fun to play to me.
Adidas or Nike: Adidas but just because of Run DMC.
Chinese or Mexican: I refuse to pick. I'd eat both. In the same night.
Cheerios or Corn Flakes: Neither.
Cake or Pie: Depends on either.
MTV or VH1: VH1.

Places That I've Come to Love the Most

I've realized recently that my love/hate relationship with Tucson has swayed more to the love side. While I'm not a fan of the heat that makes me see spots when I come inside from throwing out my garbage in the summer, everything else is usually dandy. I've lived here for a little over 16 years now (I was born in Phoenix and resided there until I was about 6 and I'm never going back due to the traffic and mindset that it absolutely must turn itself into a more materialistic L.A.). There is something about Tucson that grabs you. It could be our sunsets or the sense of community, it could be the Sonoran hotdogs or odd wildlife, it could be that fact that the entire city kind of feels like one giant oxymoron. Whatever it is, I've grown to hold it dear. So I've decided to introduce a new segment to this blog called "The Places That I've Come to Love the Most" where I'll showcase some of my favorite spots and maybe give you a story or two of each.

First Up- Epic Cafe.



I've been popping into Epic every now and then since I've been old enough to walk around downtown sans parents. It has an atmosphere that screams "yes, finish that chapter of your book and eat me!" Yes, "EAT ME" would be an appropriate slogan for this corner cafe because while there are foods that soothe the soul there is a sense of anarchy in their coffee, in the baker in the back with the sleeves of tattoo's and dreads and the punk lifer eating quiche to your left. They showcase local artists every month from art display's to open mic nights, offer some amazing vegan cuisine and the in-house baked desserts deserve a shrine in their honor. I can still recall the blissful feeling that came over me when tasting a forkful of pistachio mousse pie. It was better than my epidural.
It gives people watchers a sanctuary and a place to read the Tucson Weekly. Even their bathrooms deserve a quick looksie-



If you're interested in Epic take a gander at their website- http://www.epic-cafe.com/

Body Language

I live in a peculiar time when it comes to body image, and consequently I find myself torn down the middle. The ever apparent Pisces, not sure whether to go with the tide or battle against it. Even if it leaves me stranded on shore, no more oxygen in my lungs.
About four years ago I never gave my body much thought. I was a 17 year old girl, taught and perky. I ate like a bird but not because I was desperate to stay thin but because I had so many other things on my mind, moving swiftly to consume and feel the world and "maybe I'll actually eat dinner with my family tonight". Once I moved in with my now-husband I ate more. I settled down, became content.
When I found out I was pregnant I was 115 lbs at a height of 5'7''. I wondered what my body would become, but I was more concerned with what my life would become and when I focused on the emotional the physical fell behind. I gained 50lbs in those nine months. My frame was a mix between a girl (being that I was only 19) and the full fledged essence of a woman. Confusing and beautiful in equal measure. It had its up's and down's. My hips are small so I ended up with a wicked case of sciatica which at one point left me completely bed ridden achy with baby weight pushing my bones aside to make room for the world. My skin unable to handle the sudden weight gain stretched and became a map of motherhood and dermal abuse. But my mind was suddenly level. Once a woman who battled depression with dark rooms and razor blades and now someone so flushed with life I had no choice but to let the sun shine in. For me, for us, for him.
After Jack and I finally met, after the rush of all that oxytocin that floods one after childbirth left, I looked in the mirror and I cried. I cried a lot. I cried so much that I began to resent everything and everybody. "What the hell happened to me? Why don't they tell you these things?" I was 20 and while everybody I knew was bikini shopping I holed up in my apartment caring for my newborn yet feeling like I was pulled through a meat grinder.
It was then that I got to thinking about women and body image and society. It was a topic that made me want to rage and yet at the same time it made me want to hide myself away. Even now. Even in this very moment.
I became hopeful after I became involved in our local burlesque troupe. These women are amazing. Pillars of feminine power and allure. They built back up my self-esteem and while it has taken me miles from where I was I still find myself looking in the mirror, head cocked to the side, skeptical eyebrow raised. While I want to praise myself for being a natural woman I want to abuse myself back into a size 4. Because fashion isn't made for women like me now, for mothers who ate too much Burger King when knocked up. I hate the industry for not accepting me, I hate myself for not accepting me.
And so here I am today, torn between two possibilities- embrace what motherhood has given me and dress it, feed it, exercise it, love it or reject it and starve, exercise, deprive. Maybe soon I can get to where I want to go, with ME still intact.

This and that

I've been all sorts of scattered lately. Things going through my mind-

*Enrolling in beauty/esthetician school soon (well, at least within the next year) and trying to figure out how I'm going to handle the crazy schedule and child care that will have to go with it.

*Trying to figure out a future burlesque routine and wanting to work on costuming.

*Wanting to "nest", for whatever reason.

*Needing a haircut...bad. I spent about twenty minutes last night picking at split ends (it is one of my bad habits, and I don't do it often) and once I finished I looked at the sink and it looked like I molted.

*Wanting to play more with fashion.

*This blog.

*Jack's vocabulary (or lack thereof).

*Family and the impending holidays.

It actually feels a little better to put it all down that way it isn't just sitting there in my cabeza bumping into neuroses and to-do lists.

So to expound on those bullets-

*Regarding this blog, I would like to do a "Fashion Friday" post on this blog just to mix it up and give me a reason to dress up or play in my closet. I may start it tonight. Anybody who wants to join in is welcome. I REALLY enjoyed playing along with the Fall Fashion posts that happened a couple weeks ago. It was really fun to look and see and comment.

*The holidays are coming up and I'm feeling as though I should take the reigns this time and make the plans. Maybe even get my ass in the kitchen (this would be a feat!). I've been checking out cabins to rent for a weekend when my family is all down here in the Ol' Pueblo (this is pretty rare) and it may give this decorating/nesting fixation a decent outlet. If I could wrangle my entire family into one cabin (we generally run around visiting people at their abodes like chickens with our heads cut off) a gold medal should be in order. Seriously, so unorganized we are.

*Regarding Jack- This kid is a boy of very few words. He knows some ("mama", "dada", "hi", "bye") but he refuses to actually use them very often. He's 20 months and by now I expected him to at least say a couple words to form baby sentences. I read to him multiple times a day, talk to him, point out things and say what they are, emphasize words when they're on Sesame Street, etc and still not much. It's kind of frustrating being in a house all day with this little human and a language barrier. I know he'll talk in his own time and I shouldn't push him but c'mon Jack! Could I interest you in buying a vowel? Otherwise, the kid is awesome. He's healthy and growing like a weed. He's generally pretty happy but experiments with "terrible two" behavior from time to time. He gets cuter as he grows which I thought was impossible, but I figure it's nature's defense mechanism. Make them cuter so parent's wont don wigs and jet to Canada once the terrible two's hit.


That's really all for now. I'll leave you with a video.

Sleepy Hollow

The other day something terrible donned upon me- We don't have the Tim Burton rendition of "Sleepy Hollow" in our DVD collection. Sometimes things get lost in translation when moving (and we've moved a lot) but still, why we don't have this movie has baffled me. I'm a Burton fan, have been since I was a kid and first saw "The Nightmare Before Christmas"*. I was hooked on his characters as any black sheep searching for the "yes, I understand" would be. From Batman Returns to Beetlejuice, Big Fish to Edward Scissorhands, Frankenweenie and Ed Wood, I loved them all but something about Sleepy Hollow bewitched me and it's not just Johnny Depp looking incredibly dapper either. I still can't exactly put my finger on it to this day but here's some pictures I found that may explain it more than I could. Given the time of the year and Halloween's impending arrival I figured it was only appropriate-











Kinda makes me appreciate my tattoo more





*Contrary to popular belief given the fact that I am a Burton fan, I DID NOT name my son after Jack Skellington.

For any mother-to-be...

It seems as if every other blog I come across the author is expecting. Some of them ask for suggestions about products and nursery room colors, but my favorite is "the baby book". More often than not "What To Expect When You're Expecting" is the first thing suggested. No offense to "WTEWYE" (it is helpful, but I felt it caused me more anxiety) but I had to share my favorite-



I flipped through a few other books while trying to find "the one." A book to help guide me while keeping in mind that holy-shit-I'm-19-and-having-an-unplanned-baby! It has wonderful advice, words from other mothers, it is honest and progressive and I was very happy to read it until the pages literally fell out of it's binding (I carried it with me EVERYWHERE in my tote). Now if only they had another book about toddlers...

Anyway, that's my two cents on the whole baby book suggestion.

I'll be posting a weekend wrap-up of "Fall Fashion Weekend Warrior" tonight. The weekend was pretty filled up between visiting family (no complaints there!) and running errands. Needless to say, I left the old blogstead to fend for itself. In the meantime, here's some songs I've had bouncing back and forth in my head and in the car all weekend.-

Day Four (kinda sorta)

Not a big fan of these pictures but I was too disenchanted to try and make more. Some days you feel "it" and some times you don't. I'm going to continue with these into the weekend. I haven't pulled out a dress once and this bothers me. There shall be a dress by Sunday, mark my words! Also, Jack has been pretty keen on bogarting recent photo sesh's. I kind of like it as it usually keeps the heat off of me- LOOK AT THE BABY! LOOK AT THE BABY!

Outfit Details-

Shirt- unlabeled, Buffalo Exchange
Tank- Hanes HIS way, but made it mine.
Shorts- Forever 21
Tights- Simply Vera by Vera Wang, Kohls (and I can't recommend these tights enough! I snatched up a few pairs when I discovered them on sale one day.)
Boots- Buffalo Exchange (as seen in previous post)

On Jack-
Henley (under shirt)- Old Navy
Batman Shirt- Target
Shorts- Target
Deer In Headlights Face- Mom

If I Had My Own High School...

Siouxsie Sioux and Robert Smith would be the "Class Couple."

Day Three (for me anyway)

Anyone for a round of soccer?

Outfit Details
Tunic- Nolita, thrifted- Buffalo Exchange
Slip (underneath)-Rampage, Ross
Tights- Simply Vera by Vera Wang, Khol's
Shoes- Wanted, Buffalo Exchange

Day Two-ish

This was taken pretty much fresh out of the shower. I suppose a smile couldn't have hurt...grumble grumble.

Outfit Details-
Beret- Target
Vest- Ross
Frilly Blouse- Old Navy, thrifted
Tank (underneath)- Hanes, stolen from husbands side of the closet
Jeans- Rampage, thrifted
Shoes- Steve Madden, Buffalo Exchange

About 90% of my wardrobe comes from Buffalo Exchange so the outfit details may be monotonous. And yes, my bedroom wall really is THAT red. It was there when we moved in.

Procrasinator

I'm currently in the midst of doing laundry, organizing my clothes (found all of my tights again!), and I just discovered about $20 in change around the house. I texted my husband saying that we should really put it in a jar for a "Date Night Fund", "Sin Spending Fund", or "Romance My Wife So She Doesn't Turn Into The Creature From the Black Lagoon Fund." My fashion posts will usually occur during the evening hours since that's the time I usually get around to uploading the pictures. In the meantime here's some insta-sexy...

Fashion Week Outfit Numero Uno

Outfit Details
Shirt- Urban Renewal by Urban Outfitters
Tank- Target
Shorts- Buffalo Exchange
Boots- Buffalo Exchange
Necklace- Thrifted

Pretty casual for a day at the park. Tucson has mild Falls and Winters so we're likely to keep rocking shorts and sundresses with a dash of a cardigan well into October, especially with a curious recent heatwave.

Fashion Week

I've decided to battle the "block" (of the writing persuasion) with a week in pictures. Joining up with Emery at Moms Are For Everyone! (http://emeryjo.blogspot.com/) and a list of other lovely lady bloggers (you can see the full list at Emery's site) I'll be documenting a week of what I wear for Fall!

Currently my AC has decided to cease living (on only the hottest couple days of the month, thanks Tucson!) which has left me in a sort of lackluster state (the only "luster" seems to be coming from sweat). So my first post will probably be delayed slightly until I spiffy up and out of shorts, a bra and a haphazard bun. Heat seems to sap the creativity and general will to wear "real" clothes out of me.

To be continued...

How To Fight Lonliness...

Greg is heading up to Phoenix for a night of guy stuff with his brother, and Jack is in the care of my uber awesome in-laws. We agreed that we all need time to get our own respective freaks on. Something I've needed for a long time. About two years or so long. Or so I thought.

I have plans tonight, I keep reminding myself, because if I don't remind myself the crushing feeling of being alone in this apartment will bring me down. Have I become co-dependent on my family?

I used to be independent to a fault. Always ready to fly off on my own. Take the bus downtown and walk around aimlessly, i-pod to my ears, carelessness to my heart. I hated answering to anyone (and in fact avoided a cell phone for years because of this). I reveled in anonymity. I slept in and ate dinner when I wanted. I shopped by myself and watched movies alone. I loved it all. Fast-forward (very fast) and now I've grown accustomed to always being surrounded by people, by chores, by responsibility, life, motherhood and spousehood. I've catered to so many needs for so long that I've forgotten what it's like to have my own. It's strange, sad and true.

I am not a nomad
I am not a rocket man
I was born a housecat
By the sleight of my mother's hand

Today I'll answer again to nobody but myself. I'll watch movies and eat dinner without being interrupted or pulled at. I'll move at my pace and invent my own time. If only I can stop counting down the hours until little hands and wedding rings come knocking on my door.

When the levee breaks...

Guess who has writers block?!

I'm waiting for "it" to come back. I've tried to force myself into writing before and it never really works. In the meantime here's some music and pictures and a promise that when that flood comes, I'll be here.

Could be a "Totally Looks Like"...

My husband totally looks like Conor Oberst-




Granted, the likeness would be greater if Greg actually donned some brownish black hair, grew up downtown, survived off of gigs at Congress and beans y tortillas. He's much more a hunk of man-meat. I ain't complainin'.

Picks of the Day- Episode 12

I go through stages where I sing this song practically at the top of my lungs around the house. Specifically while doing the dishes, also specifically when nobody is home.

Also, I came across this great entry by the wonderful Ev'Yan (of the equally wonderful blog Apricot Tea) involving "The Proust Questionnaire". So I've decided to take it, as Proust believed that answering these questions revealed a person's true nature (although I believe that a person's character can extend far beyond what they answer on a questionnaire, but hey it's worth a shot!). I enjoy filling out surveys, mostly because my mind, or at least what I say, changes so much based on the day or mood. Without further adieu-

The Proust Questionnaire

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness? Lately I've been having visions of all of my family and loved ones in a cabin, at Christmas time, enjoying each other's company, laughing, eating, sharing. There is snow outside and my son can't stop being in complete wonder over it. I warm my body with sweaters and coffee from ceramic mugs that keep my hands from chilling. I want this to happen so badly soon, that is my idea of perfect happiness.

2. What is your greatest fear? Losing my husband or son. Just thinking about makes me cry.

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? When I procrastinate. My fickleness. My inability to just pick ONE thing and go with it. My weakness in bouts of stress or depression.

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others? Being judgmental, hypocrisy, entitlement.

5. Which living person do you most admire? I have a few. My grandmothers. One for her work ethic, kindness and generosity. The other for her wisdom and loyalty (and for her stories!). My husband for his honesty and compassion and the way he seems to do the right thing no matter what, he's just true blue. My son for his boldness, a character trait I sometimes wonder if he inherited from my father.

6. What is your greatest extravagance? Make-up sometimes (I've been turned into a Urban Decay and Mac junkie thanks to a friend), making burlesque costumes, but mostly my mind.

7. What is your current state of mind? In need of coffee, somewhat scattered (it is still early) in the way that one is right after waking up where the tail end of your dreams meets the to-do list of your day. Trying to fight its way out of an indecisive fog that has brought on panic in the form of an imaginary clock ticking above my head asking me "where am I going with this?" Enjoying music and its ability to distract me.

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Caution. Too much of it and you can miss out on things.

9. On what occasion do you lie? To protect someone's feelings when I want to say "that band/book/show fucking sucks!" I don't necessarily lie though, it's more so just keeping them from knowing how I really feel.

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance? My nose, sometimes. My stomach (post baby).

11. Which living person do you most despise? I DISLIKE a lot of traits in people these days. But I can't exactly point out any one person without finding 100 more like them and that would waste far too much time and energy than need be.

12. What is the quality you most like in a man? Loyalty and hygiene.

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman? Sincerity and humor.

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse? "Totally", "no shit!", "I love you", "uggghhhhh"...

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life? My husband and son. Together there is nothing that encompasses so many levels of love the way they do.

16. When and where were you happiest? May 2nd, 2009. My in-law's house. My wedding evening. Our closest family and friends, food, margaritas, and love.

17. Which talent would you most like to have? To be an incredible and honest writer.

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? My post-baby body (or at least just the little marks that came with it, I appreciate the curves it's given me, I feel more womanly now).

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement? I've yet to achieve it. But I'd imagine it would be a great career to help support my family and sending my son into the world as a caring, smart and impassioned individual.

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? Myself, just a little wiser and with the same people.

21. Where would you most like to live? In a bungalow with wood floors in a place that sees seasons and creative people (i.e. downtown Tucson or Seattle).

22. What is your most treasured possession? My grandfather's and grandmother's matching rings. My aunt has my grandmother's and I have my grandfather's.

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Having someone precious to you die.

24. What is your favorite occupation? One that would support a family and my freedom to be me. No uniforms too.

25. What is your most marked characteristic? My playlists. Or perhaps the way I see things. People tend to comment on that.

26. What do you most value in your friends? A sense of humor (of all varieties), a sense of self, a good music selection.

27. Who are your favorite writers? T.S. Eliot, Chuck Palahnuik, Doulgas Coupland... but I can find a lot of writers I like.

28. Who is your hero of fiction? Not too sure on that one. I don't really have "heroes".

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with? See 28. But I do really like Marie Antoinette. I read a very well written and in-depth biography about her the fall I was pregnant with Jack. I think we would have really hit it off back in the day. I found out we've got Austrian in our lineage as well.

30. Who are your heroes in real life? See 28.

31. What are your favorite names? Stella, Adele, Jack, Vincent, Alice, Syd, Sadie, Eleanor, Olivia, Ari, Dean, Orion, Paige.

32. What is it that you most dislike? Money. Whether you have it or not, it just causes evil.

33. What is your greatest regret? Not wearing more sunscreen/not wearing ENOUGH sunscreen.

34. How would you like to die? Ideally? In bed with my husband, happy. Or I just don't want to know about it.

35. What is your motto? Just live your life, to put it bluntly.

Picks of the Day- Episode 11

I LOVE this Kings Of Leon song. I'm very much a fan of their older work, they're wonderful in general but their older stuff is just more genuine. Raw and southern boy. I want to take them all to New Orleans and eat crayfish a oysters with them before embarking on a night of debauchery and voodoo women.

In other news-

Jack has decided to ring in the "terrible two's" early it seems, and he is driving me batshit crazy. I don't know how someone so cute and generally sweet and well tempered turns into a candidate for an exorcism at the drop of a hat. This paired with anxiety, trying to figure out what I'm *really* going to do with my life (contemplating majors right now to go back to school), no progress on the burlesque front, feelings of inadequacy/depression and over-all malaise inevitably led to a panic attack/mental breakdown Saturday evening. Greg was in the shower and Jack was screaming and I couldn't get the damned salad dressing bottle to open and suddenly the tears came, and then the sobbing came, and then the curling up in the fetal position on your linoleum floor that needed to be mopped commenced and I'm just glad nobody was there to witness it. It lasted a couple hours and in the end it was cathartic. And on Sunday we rested and I had a very potent margarita and the world went back on its axis. Never underestimate the power of a good margarita.

Here's a picture of Jack before the zoo-

My progeny

Because I can't get enough of his extremely bite-able toes, his wackadoo hair, and his overall awesomeness. Jack, this one's for you!