2011- Moving on

I posted a retrospective last week in a sort of last ditch effort to put something out. It feels like lately I just don't have the words and with blogging it's kind of your deal to have The Words.

I've had A Year.

This year I watched my baby grow into a child. I listened to him sing and take on the world, no longer peering behind me. I've had to learn when to let go and when to hang on, the push and the pull of parenthood. This year I came into myself a bit more as a mother.

This year I lost some people special to me. Some gone from this world on a whole, some simply gone from my zip code. I've felt alone, here and there. This has reminded me to cherish the people that are present, and to remain in the present.

This year I became single again. The tan line on my ring finger has blended in with the rest of my skin. In getting divorced it feels as though a large part of myself has died and is still waiting to be reborn. I'm hoping 2012 brings a little bit of that.

This year I've found a comfort in friendships and a gratitude for them that I cannot fully express.

This year I pulled myself out of a job I loathed and put myself into one that, so far, I love.

This year I survived. I adapted. Even when I thought I wouldn't, couldn't.

I'm looking forward to 2012 but I cannot say that 2011 was all pain and heartache. I am grateful for it, for making me more resilient and focusing my gaze.


Goodbye 2011, I'll send you a postcard.

A Retrospective

Hopefully once the holiday season dies down I'll be able to resume writing more. For now however, I've decided to revisit some posts from the last year. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I've enjoyed writing them.

* Breaking up is hard to do.

* In the Jack Realm-
- Jack starts becoming his own person.
- He can find his own way in the dark...
- The Pre-K (K) Takes My Baby Away
- Dear Jack,
- Jack and the Beanstalk
- Dear Jack (II),

* A local tragedy strikes a chord.

* I still try and understand my place in the freakiest hood of all- motherhood.

* On being happy.

* Nobody likes you when you're twenty-threeeeee.

* My Birth Story

* A dear friend of mine becomes a first time father.

* My very first guest post.

* My wheels on the bus spin round and round, and round.

* I say goodbye to someone special.

* Trying to find a place that feels like home again.


And, of course, some of my favorite songs (since I missed yesterday's Music Monday post) that either accompanied a post or just plain rocked my world-












And there you have what the last year looked and sounded.

Sometimes blogging is a cheaper therapy

I've been a bit absent on this blog. It seems like all I can muster is Music Monday posts since music seems to be the only thing that inspires me.

The last month or two have brought a lot of change. There's obviously the divorce, the holidays and then the starting of a new job. Sometimes I feel like I can barely keep up with anything anymore.

I'm tired.
I'm running on borrowed energy and the good will of a few very amazing people that have kept me going through this all.
I'm a bit depressed these days.

I'm also incredibly bitter underneath it all. Something that I've realized fully today after a phone call with my mother that left me unloading a bit of the past resentment on Colleen, who I luckily have to hear me out in my fits of frustration. I didn't realize it until afterward, when I went into my room and let out a sigh and a "I'm so angry". And I am.

When I was married, Greg's family pretty much adopted me as their own and I felt, for the first time, stable in a family. Thankful to be around such wonderful people and even though I felt like the stray, mangy dog they took in out of the kindness of their hearts, I had a place to call home. A home, something that was broken and problem fueled in my life before them.

And now I'm right back there. I feel alone and resentful that my own family doesn't quite get it. That little "cheer ups" or "it'll be okays", seem to suffice after YEARS of not really being there. I feel a bit sad that I feel closer and happier around people who aren't blood, who I'm not related to than people that have known me since I was born. I am thankful for those people, but when you think of your family and the first thought you conjure up is "I'd rather not get into it...", you can't help but feel like something is wrong.


And it is. Everything lately just feels wrong. There are good moments of course, but I feel adrift.

In the meantime I work, I try and be all that I can be for Jack, and I hope, with all my might, that this too shall pass.

Music Monday

Edit- So apparently I spaced an entire day (I blame it on the shitty sleep I've been having) and posted this on Tuesday. Nice Amanda, reaaaall nice.

The fact that the post preceding this one is a Music Monday post is kind of a bummer since I woke up this morning with grand plans on updating and writing until I couldn't anymore. And then the endless rain and cold weather came and with it some warm pho soup and some cuddle time with Mister Jackobean. So the day wasn't a waste, but as far as this little blog goes it would seem so.

Anyway, to make up for it I've decided to post THREE videos. All of which I just can't stop listening to and accompany me every time I get ready for work lately.

1. This one is definitely worth watching. It's just cheerful and infectious.


2. I smell a new obsession (I had a hard time choosing this one over this one).


3. Just plain purdy...


Happy listening.

Music Monday

Last week the roommates, Jack and I went to see The Muppets. Jack has just reached the age where taking him to the movies is totally doable and actually pretty fun. The pure wonder of it for him transfers over to me and I've found myself an enthusiastic movie goer again (I used to prefer renting and staying at home, and usually I do, but there are just times when it's better to make it a thing and go to the theater). The Muppets was a great flick but what made me truly love it was the moment Jack grabbed my hand and held it through this song-



I tried to not cry, who cries at a Muppets movie?! But resistance was futile; a connection was made. I hope he'll remember it as much as I will.

Phone Blogging (image heavy)

Usually when I get lazy on the blog I tend to compensate with taking pictures of stuff with my phone. I think it started as a sort of "oh, a picture is worth a thousand words. Surely this must inspire SOMETHING later!" But mostly it just turned into "meh, these are okay placeholders because I'm too fucking tired/laundry needs to be done/busting my ass/adapting. So here's some pictures because I'm tired/need to give myself a pedicure in a bad way/drinking wine and, you know, getting progressively into THAT.

Three times a day...


A Thanksgiving project Jack and Greg worked on. They had to make a turkey out of random things found at home. It appears they got good use out of their backyard (I particularly love the teeny twig legs).


Colleen made some mulled wine for our Thanksliving feast and it made the house smell amazing!


I try not to play favorites with the cats in the house because they're all sweet in their own ways, but Stella. STELLA! STELL-UHH-AAAAHH! Ohhh STELLA!...I'm sorry. Anyway, Stella sort of bewitches me the most. She is a little lovebug, hippie child, camera whore under a tabby coat. Sometimes she's capable of breaking a bad mood just by bumping her forehead to mine and purring which she seems to know how to do at the exact moment I need it. I love her.


Sometimes you just need some leftover Chinese food, hard cider and a beloved '80s movie.


Visiting a local bakery...



..to pick up some cookies before decorating the Christmas tree (those little leaf shaped ones were pistachio flavored with a little chocolate in the middle and they were amazing).

We took a tour of some urban chicken coops in our area. Kinda cool to see people cultivating things naturally while still being in the heart of the city.



Jack showing off his chicken button he got before the tour (and my sunglasses which he pretty much made his own about six months ago. He kind of reminds of Kurt Cobain when he wears them.)


The red is almost all gone. Back to the brunette roots I go.


DELISH!


There is a light that never goes out...


Aaand now it's time for this-


Hope you're all having a wonderful weekend (this is the first one I've had off in about oh...six, seven-ish months, courtesy of a very recent job change).

Welcome to the maxi pad

It had to happen eventually. A month ago my roommate Colleen and I jokingly told her boyfriend (my other roommate) that we'd sync up...period wise. And that, in effect, he. would. be. fuuuuucked.

And sure enough-

"You wanna know how I know it's happening? Because mine came a week early."

"Mine is pretty much on time."

"Mine is the submissive and your's is the dominant."

"You mean your period is "the bottom" and mine is "the giver"?


And then we laughed and bled in unison and danced with the devil in the pale moonlight.