Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes! *Edit

As you may have noticed, I've been doing some experimenting (not college "experimenting") with my blog. I needed a change since I've been "blocked" as far as content goes. So here you have "Lullabies To Terrorize Version 2.0", but I still haven't felt "just so" about it so much as "this'll do since I'm hungry right now and I need to go to the bathroom."

Any suggestions?

My main concerns-

1. It's a little too girly as it stands. I'm not against girly, it's just...strange, I suppose, coming from where I was when I first started this blog and the fact that I'm chalk full of unfeminine moments, both in posts and real life.

2. I'm HTML illiterate. Working on backgrounds and fonts and re-sizing for me is like listening a somebody speaking a foreign language and paying very close attention so as to catch any familiar words I may know, and then working with that. It's kind of like-

Grandmother trying to teach me Spanish- "blahblahblahspanishtalkblahblahbano".
Me- Oh! OH! Bano! Bathroom! You're telling me something about the bathroom!*

So there's those concerns.

* I shit you not. Despite having one half of my family speak fluent Spanish (and after two years of Spanish classes in high school), this is the best I can do. I'm what is known as the "runt" of the family when it comes to absorbing languages. Although if you want to know how to make your grandmother blush in French, I'm your girl!


------------------------------------------EDIT------------------------

So I messed around with the html, like a moron, and this is what I got. I want the image that's behind the header to go throughout the page, like a background should, but it seems I'm stuck here. Help!

Bringin' it back

My aunt and I used to sing this song all the time, by her pool in 90's Scottsdale before the status obsessed took over. When our chalk drawings were still on the driveway and 90210 was playing in the living room. Before the dangers of sun exposure and wrinkles and quarter life crisis'. Blue Kool-Aid in plastic tumblers and scrunched socks. Floral rompers and a long braid falling down my back. Rollerblades and the bruised knees that loved them. And waiting for your favorite music video...



And even now after the hair has been cut, whether out of rebellion or suffocation. After the Kool-Aid, now replaced with Smart Water, filtered water, vaporized water. After the VJ's and crop tops. After the chalk and the summers...

The song remains the same.

A post in which I talk about boobs...again.

Yesterday I was pretty amped up to check the mail. You see I've been waiting for my new big 'ol crushes to come in and I had plans to chill out and eye bang some kiwi hotness while laughing my ass off. But I also got this in the mail-


Well, not this per say but it's current September 2010 cousin.

And at first I just looked at Greg and thought "fucking jerk." But then I realized it wasn't him. It was addressed to me after all. But I don't shop at VS.

They had found me.

And so, given that I had time to kill I flipped through the thing and here is my impression of how my brain works whilst reading a VS catalog-

"Maybe I should work out more. I need to do some serious crunches. Maybe I should grow my hair out even longer. Maybe I should be sexier? Maybe sexier comes in a V-neck in heather grey. You ass that's not sexy. I wonder if I'm bisexual? These ladies are pretty hot. I wonder if I should toss this before Greg finds it. Who the hell sits on a chair like that? Maybe I should molest my furniture more? Maybe I should do some squats. Like right now. I bet half of these chicks are from Sweden. Why have half of my Swede genes alluded my thighs/stomach and ass so?! Well, those boots are actually pretty cute. Maybe my bangs aren't doing anything for me. If I see PINK on somebody else's ass one more time! Why aren't you working out? $45 for boulder holders? I'm hungry."

And this is my brain on bras. Any questions?

I'm hungry.

Fall Fixation- Outfit part deux (errand boogaloo)

I figured it was about that time again. I've been doing my share of online surfing/wishing. This outfit I based on errand running or play dating or museum hopping, whatever you're filling your day with really. I'm a firm believer in style and substance. Things can be comfortable AND cute. So-


I'm starting this off with a tank. It's still crazy hot here so I need access to air at all times. Fact- Living in Arizona my whole life has made me a quasi-nudist. The second I get through the door (given that I have nothing else to do that day) shoes go flying, bra comes off and everything else is shed leaving as little clothes as I can get away with without scaring my son for life. Desperate temperatures call for desperate measures. Anyway-

A cardigan for those of you who have more desirable weather.

Jeans, since I'm trying not to be a tights con dress one trick pony.

OXIES!

A pretty damn cute necklace.

And a bag to lug all that "stuff", to use my husband's term. Except it's not just "stuff" anymore once your wallet, keys and cell phone go in there is it hun? And when Jack needs something it's not just magic how the right "stuff" just comes out like I'm Mary Poppins is it dear?

Right.

Now show them how picking up a gallon of milk is done!

If this outfit were a song-

If you can't stand the heat...

get out of Arizona.

I had planned on making this weekend a billion times better than last. Because it punched me in the gut, put gum in my hair and stole my popsicle.

So I started mentally putting things together, those things being:

1. Big Love+couch+nomnomnoms (we're at the Season 3 finale disc!) either in the morning or evening (I like to do things in the afternoon, makes me feel productive).
2. Children's Museum? followed by a spot of sushi? (we have this place called Sushi Garden down here that has this afternoon buffet and it's amazing! Usually I'm wary of any buffet but this place tested well among the panel (Greg and Jack).
3. Maybe a visit to the in-laws in which I usually walk out with a good buzz (they like wine and conversation which makes for endless refills of pinot grigio).
4. Get dolled up at some point in anticipatory fall clothing.

And then as I started visualizing a visit the park I decided to check out what the weather was looking like for the weekend-



That's not photoshopped people! That is in fact Tucson mid-September. WOMPWOMPWOOOOMP...

So we'll see how all those plans turn out. Sigh....just as I fished out my herringbone tights from my underwear drawer.

But at least I have this guy-


* For some reason when I upload videos via Blogger they turn out all crappy looking. So I apologize in advance.
** I think he watches his father and I talking on the phone more than I thought as noted by the circle walking (I can't just sit and chat I need to be doing something as well).

Flashback

Mt. Lemon. Your second time in the snow.

You weren't having it that day.

And then you fell...

And cried...


So I rolled up a snowball and threw it in the river to distract you, I threw snowballs at trees and rocks and my shoes...


And then, the most miraculous thing of all happened...

You laughed.


Even with that pout face...


I love you so.

Forever your court jester.

TomFALLery

According to the world the Autumn Equinox starts next week and I would be even more jazzed about Fall's arrival if I didn't know for a fact that Tucson usually reads the memo a month later than the New England early bloomers. But jazzed I am, nonetheless because it's going to be Fall soon and it's my absolute favorite time of the year!

It hit me when I saw this yesterday-


So in honor of Boots and Scarves Season here's a little early fondue post of fall clothes and a surprise.

Fall Outfit Numero Uno-

+

+

+

+


And viola! There is my first "If I Had The Cash" Fall outfit. I think I'm going to do one every week, or maybe every other day, so I don't overwhelm every post with a crapload of pictures.

My Fall wardrobe goals are-
1. Find a burnt orange/mustard cardigan.
2. Thigh Highs, which I'm semi-iffy on. I worry about having to always pull them up and saggage, but I think paired under a demure above the knee dress they're hot!
3. A different pair of boots and wedge booties.

And my surprise....

I made a mix for you!

Hope you enjoy!

Weekend WTFery

I tend to be a weekend warrior. But this weekend sort of bludgeoned me with its own club.

Starting Wednesday (I know it's not the weekend but I was off so I counted it)-

If only I would have just taken the cracked windshield that we woke up to that morning as an omen. But no, I wanted to be all positive-like.

I had a fitting to go to downtown for a fashion show I was walking in. I dropped Greg off at work, made my plans and decided I was going to carpe diem the crap out of that afternoon. Just as I started thinking about all my grand plans (fashion talk, take Jack to lunch, just the two of us, go to the store to get ingredients for an awesome meal, etc)BANG!

I got rear ended. Luckily it wasn't my fault and luckily the impact was extremely light. Jack wasn't hurt, I wasn't hurt, the other driver wasn't hurt so all was well. Except for the the car. Now we have an ugly ass dent and scratches on the bumper.
While I was waiting in the heat of the afternoon with the asphalt wafting more and more heat up my legs and with my patience whittling away, I realized I was now over an hour late for my fitting due to handling the accident.

I made the fitting though, tried on about six pairs of jeans whose buttons and zippers refused to meet each other thanks to recent case of bloating. Jeans:1, Self-Esteem:0. And instead of my leisurely lunch date with Jack and the meal I had planned to shop for, I realized I had JUST enough time to battle rush hour traffic to pick up Greg from work.

After we pick him up I call the insurance claims lady and start looking for a pen to write down all the information I need. I find one on the side of the car door and start writing until I feel a warm, slick and sticky liquid. The ink had spilled out all over my hands, new shirt and new jeans.

And I still had to go to the store...

Greg and I start arguing for whatever stupid reason, likely my mounting anger and inability to cope with it at the moment. And then, right there before the deli and in-store Starbucks the glass ceiling broke. I just started silently bawling into my ink stained hands. And I didn't want to because I thought everybody is going to think it was all Greg's fault. That he was an abusive asshole making his wife cry in a public place and "god, what a mess that girl is!" So I tried to stuff it all back into my tear ducts and nose and moved on.

SO there was Wednesday for you. If we hadn't had new episodes of Big Love to take the edge off I....just...thanks Big Love!

Friday I walked in the Preen fashion show, it all went well and it was fun.

Saturday morning we went to the same store I had my petite meltdown in and this time I didn't get ink all over me, no that would be too easy, I ended up bleeding through my denim shorts, courtesy of Paragaurd. Because the joys of being a woman are just so vast...
Saturday night I went out to say goodbye to a dear friend of mine. All of us had planned to make the night great and it just unraveled. Starting from when I got stuck under an underpass for over 15 minutes, being unable to find a parking spot, pedestrians being unable to find their heads that were misplaced so far up their asses and ending up late to meeting up with my company. And when I say "unraveled" I mean unraveled. By the end of the night, after the string of events which I don't have the time to write about I walked out of Congress and "it" just got to me again and there I cried in between Congress and Broadway as hipsters departed and strangers paired up to make erotic mistakes. My friend and I didn't even get to say goodbye.

Sunday I got a phone call from work stating that I was no longer on the schedule for about two weeks. Times are tough. Sales are low and only the super experienced need apply or work. I've been training for two weeks (I'm the only server they hired without any serving experience) but right now they need people that absolutely know what they're doing, who wont have even one minor fuck up. I guess as it stands- I need to start applying for other places. Unless I can convince the other manager (the one that hired me is leaving and she was my main cheerleader) to keep me, I'm even offering to come in on my own time, unpaid, but it looks like I'm done.

And this morning I was informed I was cut from the Tucson Fashion Week line-up. I was supposed to attend a vital rehearsal but couldn't due to the obligations I had with the job that will likely not be mine anymore.

So there we have it. And it's going to take me awhile to put a genuine smile on. I had been feeling so lucky lately and just when I started giving thanks and feeling happy or proud it got pulled from under me. I need a win, just once.

In the meantime I can make jokes, because if I don't laugh I'll cry.

Maybe I'll go to Barnes and Noble and pick up this-



And if that doesn't work well, then I'll just listen to this


And just let the rain come down.

And now for something less serious...

I'd like to follow up a previous post from my emotions with a post purely derived from my hormones. Chelsea (damn girl, you've been pressing the right inspire buttons lately!) posted this video on her Weekly Surf segment and huuuuuuurrrrrr....



I have usually been impassive when it comes to famous "heartthrobs", but if there is one thing I love it's a dapper male. And a dapper male playing the piano- equivalent to Spanish Fly to me. I'd go so far as to call it a fetish, I suppose. It's that potent.

Anyway, I'd never *really* gave Ryan Gosling much thought, after "The Notebook" I sort of dismissed the guy as a romantic yet brooding actor who'd be the subject of many chick flicks to follow. But I was wrong. So wrong....

Yet oh so right...





To quote Liz Lemon- "I want to go to there."

Death Cab For Cutie and Me

YAY! I finally found a band to wax nostalgic about (thanks to Chelsea's most recent posts' title)! I was getting pretty antsy trying to come up with a new band to write about, despite the fact that I have hundreds that I love, I want to be selective and save the bigger stories for later though. In case you haven't noticed the theme in these "________ and Me" posts, they are largely based on teenagehood feelings. I have zero musical training, I only know what I like, so these posts aren't really about analyzing instruments or musical construction. It's about the feelings certain bands or even specific songs evoke. Because that's what music is about isn't it? I was also heavily inspired when I started this segment by this. Anyway, without further adieu-



I'm not entirely sure how I came across Death Cab For Cutie. I just sort of picked them up like one smells a persons perfume after they've left the checkout line. I know I bought the album at the shop I would later buy the Shin's albums and I distinctly remember the day. I was coming home from summer school (I'm not that great at math but I know that high school crushes in the same class+an overall dislike of intermediate algebra= summer school), stopping off downtown at the transit center. Instead of transferring to the next bus I decided to browse around downtown instead, despite the 115 degree heat.
I didn't know what exactly I was looking for in the record store that day, which is always a good sign. The things you come across when you're never looking for them are usually the best. But after about 20 minutes I walked out with my newest obsession.

I locked the c.d. into my walkman (I don't think I had an i-pod until the middle of my senior year) and if there was ever a song that I'd put on a "Who I Am" mix it was the track that greeted me that moment.

So entranced by this new audio gold was I that I dismissed the next bus and decided I'd walk home. I wanted alone time with my headphones. Half an hour later I looked down at my hands and realized they had begun getting puffy. I was bright red, dizzy and ready to pass out. Turns out my own mode of transportation was the fast track to heat stroke. By the time I got home I was freaking out. I stripped off all my clothes, sprawled out on my bed, administered cold washcloths on my body and called my parents at work thinking I was going to die.
The reason I tell this story when I describe DCFC is because they got me through suffering, be it physical or mental, brought on by life or my very own design.

And that was only my Junior year.

If you are new to this blog or if you've been reading for a bit and wonder why I mention my Senior year of high school, it's because it was one of the most pivotal years of my life. Not since the months leading up to having Jack have I ever been more challenged, battled and dealt with more emotions or questioned who I was more than that time. I haven't even really had the courage to separate the events and write them out, even if just for the therapy of it. Perhaps I should put it into bullet points so I can save time-

*First "real" realtionship/love.

*Parent's divorce.

*Tumultuous relationship with an addict father (which I could devote quite a few blogs to, and will).

*Unresolved feelings of depression which resulted in years of poor coping mechanisms including 3+ years of cutting and other self-destructive behaviors.

All of this combined left me little time or knowledge of what it took to be "normal". And so, not wanting to burden those around me, not wanting to be "the damaged girlfriend", I turned to music as an escape. When I was alone with my headphones on I was safe. I had my own little haven and it was portable. I could find sanctuary in the back of a bus, on a walk, in the library.

Death Cab was probably the most calm of everything that I listened to. It was the warm blanket I needed. There in times of grief and even romance.

And now, even after things evened out, after all has passed they still remain. Bittersweet and beautiful.