The Pit Of Bullshit

When I PMS I PMS hard, and usually I fixate on something and just intensely hate it for about 5 days. This can range from my cuticles to my husband. But this weeks casualty has actually been a thorn in my ass for about a month or two.


This is what I've been referring to as "The Pit Of Bullshit" for the past couple weeks. We bought it for Jack for his birthday because we figured "hey, a bouncy pit, he can get all his willies out while we watch Man vs. Food!" But he doesn't get his willies out. He instead has decided throwing the balls that it came with all over the house is WAY more fun. And watching his mother pick them up all hunch backed and irritated is even MORE FUN!

"Pssshht, enjoy picking up them apples bitch!"

This generally happens about 25 times a day.

Aside from that, Jack has been an angel. Here's some pics!




*This picture scares the shit out of me. I can see him contemplating...whatever 2 year olds contemplate. Either way, it isn't good. No good can come from that stare.

I'll be hitting the Midol extra hard this month.

Love in the Time of Melancholy

I've been in a sort of disconnected mood today. I thought my usual coffee would set me back on my axis but it only seemed to emphasize a tightness in my left shoulder and neck. I didn't know what exactly the mood I was in consisted of until some songs started playing on my I-tunes. There were a few that caught me by surprise, as I hadn't listened to them in a long time, and when they made their way through my head, flicking nerves that have been subdued, I sort of became agitated.
They were feelings of "what if's, what was, what happened?"
I'm reasonably young and yet I'm operating day to day in a life that many of my peers have yet to even really fathom. A life of marriage, of child, of futures to be secured instead of presents to be taken for granted. While I love it, although I wouldn't really change a thing there are days, like today, when I find myself a tad melancholy over days that I have missed, or rather, days that were cut insanely short.
My carefree independent days lasted from the time I turned 17 (March 2005) to the time I discovered I was with child (August 2007). Two years. Two years to enjoy a car purchased with my hard earned money, enjoy a new boyfriend, shop carelessly with the aforementioned hard earned money, give gifts carelessly ("oh, I was just at Urban and this sheet set reminded me of you so...here you go!"), take myself out on afternoon strolls, music to my ears, wait for new boyfriend to get out of his classes, afternoon delight, no need to focus, no need to plan.
I envy everybody's "newness". Newness of experiences. I feel like I have lived a few (hundred) lives since I took off my cap and gown. My pages yellowing out. I feel as if the air smells differently, the buildings seem shorter and though I can still do some of the things I used to bewitch myself with it isn't the same. I just can't seem to catch it. But there it lingers, fluttering in front of me like an ethereal ghost and I look down at my hands to find bronze dust flaking off my fingertips.
I don't want to sound too emotional, unthankful for the present, regretful, because there are rarely any regrets in my life, I just wonder what I would feel like now if those years had lasted a little longer. Perhaps like more of an adult? Who knows. I wonder though, if anybody else ever feels this? Maybe I'm just ready to shed my skin again.

Man (and lady) Meat Monday

Since it's cloudy out and since Jack woke up at 2 a.m. and fell in and out of sleeping and whining/crying until 7, I decided to lessen the tired feeling in my eyes by giving them something hot to look at.

Greg and I were talking about celebrities with the in-laws over linner (lunch/dinner) yesterday afternoon. Who were our favorites, who we admire, who seems like a douchenozzle... I thought of my celeb crushes and decided it could very well be a blog post so here ya go-

The Men Folk-


Paul Rudd. Has this guy aged AT ALL since "Clueless"? I remember watching that and thinking, yep, when I go to college I'm going to find myself a boy just like that. He'll talk nerdy to me and we'll seduce each other with Radiohead songs. Well, I was sorta right. I met Greg during what would have been my "college years", he was a biomedical engineering major, and our first conversation consisted of a sentence that went along these lines- "yeah, I'm not religious, but I pray at the church of Thom Yorke." I suppose a part of me thinks Paul Rudd is hot BECAUSE I'd imagine him to be like Greg. Another part is because of his face and his movies.

Jason Shwartzman. I watch a lot of Wes Anderson movies, and I think he just grew on me. I sort of have a thing for semi-nerdy Jews. I'm not sure where exactly this originated but it explains my next dude-

"The Bear Jew". His real name is Eli Roth, I learned this after having to look it up on IMDB because I can't just go on calling him The Bear Jew like I have been since Inglorious Basterds came out.

Brandon Boyd of Incubus. Greg isn't to fond of this one, whatever his reasons may be. I think most husbands feel a little defensive/questionable when it comes to "rockstars". But what draws me to Brandon is the fact that he doesn't reek of "rockstar". He seems like a dude that just wants to surf and eat sushi and draw. But speaking of rockstars...

Jim Morrison. Yeah, so he's dead, so what. A musician with the heart of a poet. Why not? It could be that his music generally unleashes an inner sex kitten in me that is very much in disguise most of the day (Queens Of The Stone Age has a similar effect) and that I like, so does Greg.

The Ladies-


Maggie Gyllenhaal. Because she's REAL. She seems approachable and has a come hither quality that she doesn't over use. Plus I've seen her boobies in some of her movies and I'm glad somebody is representing boobs like mine. Refreshing.

Jennifer Connelly. Because she has brains AND beauty. Every movie I've seen her in I've thought "man, I want to be that lady!" Except for "Requiem For A Dream" for obvious reasons.

Salma Hayek. For representing the Latin ladies and her undeniably hot...talents. She oozes sex appeal without trying. She is spicy and felt I owed it to Greg to put her on here.

Zooey Deschanel (and everybody else I've posted about on my "Muse Of The Day" posts). She just has an "it" factor. You can't take your eyes off her and her style is impeccable. I often keep her (and various women in the 60's) in mind when I'm shopping. Greg is concerned that one day he's going to lose me to Zooey's lovely blue doe-eyes and we'll run away and become the next Indigo Girls. I'd kill to see her wedding photos (she married Ben Gibbard pretty recently)!

What are your celeb crushes? Any weird likes/dislikes?

Bon Appetit!

I got around to watching "Julie & Julia" a couple nights ago and loved it! Meryl Streep is amazing, as usual (I'll watch anything with her in it), and I could connect with Amy Adam's character too. The scenery was gorgeous! We immediately wanted to pack up and move to Paris (something I actually want to do one day, maybe, if we have enough money) and go on a food binge. You felt like you could smell everything they were cooking. On the flip side, I felt guilty.
I felt guilty over the fact that despite coming from a background where food is enjoyed and cooked with love and shared, I rarely cook at all. I grew up with a grandmother who made/makes delicious, authentic Mexican food from recipes passed down from her mother, from her mother's mother and from scratch. My other grandmother cooked much the same for her five children and mechanic husband back when that was "what a wife and mother did". And she did. I'm not sure of whether or not she enjoyed it all the time, but she was happy when people enjoyed her food, and I think that propelled her to do it all the time. My father worked jobs as a chef in multiple restaurants and made us kids great dinners and taught us about nutrition (he also used to be a body builder/trainer) and how to cook fish, chicken, beef, etc.
Greg's parents are the same. His father is from Geneva, Switzerland and has promised to make us ratatouille and has a fridge perpetually stocked with amazing cheeses. Greg's mom is actually the only person that can cook chicken that I actually like (I'm notorious for hating chicken), his aunt makes the worlds greatest cheesecake and his grandmother knows her shit as well.
Do you feel the pressure now?
I've mastered only a few things, the best of them being a meatloaf from my copy of "The Joy Of Cooking", a title that I often wonder whether sarcasm is meant to be used when saying it, and enchiladas. My enchiladas bring all the boys to the yard. I'm proud of them. But a batch of enchiladas and a kick ass meatloaf do not a cook make. So I need to up the ante. There are two cookbooks I want to buy-



Because I was inspired and because it's Julia Child. C'mon.


I wanna be your sledgehammer, Julia. Oh wait, that's a tenderizer. God help me on this journey of cooking enlightenment.

And



I know. The two cookbooks are kind of contradictions. Julia used plenty of meat, dairy, eggs, etc and Alicia is vegan, but I've personally tried some recipes from Alicia's book (my friend Colleen is embarking on going full vegan) and they are amazing! I also don't feel like shit after eating a lot of whatever the dish is I'm eating.
I like to mix it up as far as my diet is concerned. I doubt I'll ever be a full fledged vegan, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy many of the recipes and challenge myself with making them. Greg isn't going to give up meat so I'm sure he'll enjoy Julia's cookbook more.

So there it is, another challenge for myself that I'll keep the blog updated on. If you have any recipes you'd like to share I'd love to hear them!

Speaking of cooking and eating, I haven't exactly updated "Operation I Want My Skinny Jeans Back" because I haven't taken too many photos of myself that show any change. I've lost a couple pounds, have been cutting down the soda, drinking more water and avoiding fast food. I'm not super jazzed about any of this as I'm almost positive I'll come back from Mexico with those pounds back on, if not more. So I'll take it more seriously once I get back. I'm not dieting on vacation.

That is all!

One Word- Coaster

Today's word was "coaster".

"The more coasters she used, the more she began to consider wood. All types of wood. Colors, grain, finishes. She now desperately wanted dark wood floors."

IUD and Me

It would seem like the blogosphere is abuzz with the topic of birth control. Over at GGC, Rebecca has talked of her Mirena maladies and it's eventual removal. A few other blogs have been questioning what they should get on and over here I'm seeking a change as well.

I got Mirena six weeks after having Jack. I was absolutely certain I wanted it after doing the research and dreaming about easy, breezy, beautiful birth control. I don't do well with the pill, or rather, I don't want to RISK not doing well with the pill. Like last time.

This my friends, is the product of not doing so well with the pill. I hate this picture, but I felt it got the point across.

I also don't do well with condoms because 1.) I'm in a long term relationship and 2.) I can tell the difference. Once you go unsacked, you can't go back. Long story short, I did my research and felt an IUD would be the ideal option until we're ready to have another baby or until one of us decides to close up the reproductive shop once and for all.

Now, I've had Mirena for a little over 2 years. Aside from the insertion (which I'd recommend getting a Percocet for, Percocet shouldn't interfere with nursing either if you are) I was back to quasi-spontaneous sex in no time. I was a little irregular (spotting and the like for more days than normal), but that pretty much leveled out after 6 or so months. My periods have been lighter and the cramps that used to bend me backwards are now non-existent. Should be great right? I should be frolicking amongst flower covered hills with golden retriever puppies right? Wrong.

I don't do well with hormones of any sort. They send me over the edge. With a lead ball attached to my ankle. I never used to get PMS in high school and for awhile thereafter, but now...Let me just say PMDD is real folks. And it affects lives. If I can trace back every spousal argument, the balls to the walls ugliest ones have been on my behalf with PMS fueling the fire. I get depressed. Not just stay in and cry, but full on "what am I doing here. I can't wait until this life is over." Yeah. Not good. I have shit I need to do, I have a son I need to care for and the mood swings that face me about two weeks out of the month aren't conducive to such things.
Along with that my sex drive has been nil. I've been breaking out all the time. But the hormones are the main motivator to nip Mirena in the bud.

I've made an appointment to get it removed May 7th and replaced with Paraguard. I'm nervous and not to excited about the whole removal/re-insertion. I've also heard that periods on Paraguard could be likened to a date with Leatherface. But I need to do something. I need to get off the hormones. I NEED my life back. And I need it sans anymore babies. So I'll try again and if that doesn't work I'll try some more. Once I find something I love, I'll post back here and we can all have punch and pie.

One Word- Subway

Today's word was "subway". In under 60 seconds I used it as follows-

"She entered the subway. But it seemed all the gum commercials lied. She had not met her soul mate that day."

What's your take on "subway"?

A few things...

Here's a few things running through my noggin that I figured I could rattle off here on this lovely Wednesday morning-

1. Jack has officially entered the "terrible two's" and is rocking or house like a hurricane. In the worst ways. Sometimes I wonder if mothers experience toddler induced post-traumatic stress disorder. It starts early in the morning and ends at bedtime once white flags have been raised and cocktails have been poured for the adults.

Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?

They say it gets worse once they hit three. If I find this to be true I'll be changing this blog into "How Xanax Saved My Life: My Toddler Years".

2. I'm posting my One Word post later, as Jack is currently awake and thriving off all my hard earned (read: three cups of coffee) energy.

3. I'll be packing for Mexico next week but before that I'd love your input on what I should bring. I'll be posting possible outfit pics so I can have all your inputs on what I should and shouldn't ("guuuurl uhuh") bring. It'll sorta be like a mini-fashion week.

4. I have this video of a friend I've made along 4th Avenue (we get a lot of really cool street performers around there). He goes by Ukulele Catfish Kieth and he's probably one of my favorite people because he has the wonderful talent of just making you smile. I try to visit him when he performs as often as I can. He even gave me my very own kazoo. So here you go-



The mic he uses gives him this really cool vintage sound(is that a thing?) quality. I have a video of him doing "Ring Of Fire", but since Blogger takes for.ev.er to load, I'll save it for another day. Perhaps for a Johnny Cash related post as I spent about an hour yesterday, for whatever reason, finding cool pics of him.

For somebody who is lactose challenged I sure am cheesy.

One Word and outfits to follow.

One word

A friend of mine posted up a link on Facebook that really got the brain juices flowing. It's so simple, yet genius.

http://www.oneword.com/

The premise is that everyday they supply you with one word that you must write about for sixty seconds, just writing whatever floats through your mind.

I'm going to try and do this every day (maybe every other day depending) in an effort to get back to the poetry I used to write. Feel free to join me! I'd absolutely LOVE to see your writing be it in my comments or on your blog. Let's all have a wordgy!

See me tomorrow for our first word (or go read other's takes on them at the aforementioned site).

Cute shit

I haven't been in a huge writing mood the last few days. This weekend was relentless with disappointments (no rest for the weary, that's for damn sure) so I've been drowning myself in trivial, cute nonsense. Internet window shopping, a copious amount of popsicles (I'm officially addicted to Dreyer's Fruit Bars), music and watching Jack dance and sing the chorus of "Sugar Town". I've had about six cups of my morning green tea/Tazo passion tea blend and I'm starting to feel slightly more bright eyed enough to work out and achieve a more lustery bushy tail. So I leave you with cute stuff that I've found on my many internet surfing adventures-

Part 1- Shoes Betch!





I want those for Mexico so bad!

Ideally, I'd have these in my closet. But at $2,100 (yep, that isn't a typo folks) I need to be...not broke.

Part 2- Clothes!






Part 3- Music Videos!








That is all.

On a temperate morning-

There will still be polka dots...

I decided to take pictures today. Because I woke up and the sun wouldn't quit. The flowers still bloomed. And though I had loved ones far away, I kept them in my mind and focused on the day in front of me. One that offered promise, light and lots and lots of tiny chocolate eggs. I wish you all a wonderful Easter as well.





Outfit Details
Dress, boots and shorts (under the dress)- Thrifted, Buffalo Exchange
Necklace- One of the many treasures my grandmother has lovingly bestowed upon me.




Jack wears- t-shirt, shorts and shoes- Target (I don't know what I'd do without Target...)

It's been a great week sharing outfits, blogs, etc with everybody who participated. And a huge thank you to Emery for hosting. Here's to a round three in the summer!

And indeed there will be time...

I haven't posted an outfit entry in two days. I have been too caught up in life and waiting for the next tide to change. Last night a friend asked me out for an evening of drinks, music and general merriment. I accepted because I'm trying to say "yes" more in my life. I'm trying to not make up excuses that only result in my spending another evening watching trash t.v., overindulging my comfort food addiction and continuing to draw a circle of social isolation, something that usually results in alienation and consequently depression. So I went out. I drank a few drinks and tried in vain to eat some ill fated Mexican food afterward that left me nauseous and languid for the remainder of today. I didn't get dressed. I didn't even take off my creasing make-up, liquid liner exaggerating my already weary eyes. There was no fashion to be had today. Not even a smidgen. Unless heroin chic is back again (I don't do or condone heroin, I merely looked the part in the wee hours of the morning).
We ran errands today and took Jack to the park despite my body screaming at me to crawl back in bed. I refuse to rob him of a good weekend due to my decisions in alcohol and bad food. There is laundry to be done. Dishes to be loaded. And I'm in a very touchy mood. I cried at "Lost In Translation" the other day despite having seen it countless times. I cried at "The Royal Tenenbaums". I cried at the minute of preview for "The Blindside" that came before "Where The Wild Things Are" with which I cried some more.
And then my mom called me this evening. Her ex-boyfriend's dad had passed away. Her relationship with the aforementioned ex became "ex" status only shortly ago. He had been a part of my life, albeit an extra in the cast of my life, for the last four years or so. I had met his father and mother countless times, they even helped throw my baby shower and were there at my bedside during Jack's birth. They are all around good people and I felt horrible at the news my mother had told me through broken sentences, punctuated with tears.
I want to cry. But I know as soon as I allow myself I will be all too consumed by it. Because listening to my mother on the phone, I knew exactly how she felt. I traced my mind back to the day I sobbed into my parent's arms over the death of MY ex-boyfriend's father, my senior year of high school. It was a grief I found myself inexplicably overwhelmed by. I had only met my ex's father a handful of times, but I thoroughly enjoyed each and every encounter. His love of music, enthusiasm and life suddenly vanished. I saw the confusion, insurmountable grief, physical exhaustion of everyone in the room the day of the funeral. It shook me to my core. I'm still shaking.
I shake with the holding back of emotion. The perpetual emotions of a woman who loves everyone too much. Who's heart still fractures even though I have dry walled the hell out of it's cracks, painted over the creases. A woman who hides behind punchlines and stories hoping the welling up of my eyes goes unnoticed. "Please, excuse me".
And so, despite wanting to post pictures of outfits, get lost in aesthtics, I don't have it in me. I cannot contemplate polka dots when my brain aches with past, presents and the ever unknown future. I will swaddle myself in comfort and catharsis. It may not be fashionable, but for now it's in season.

Thursday- Fake Plastic Trees

Thursday will be a twofor. I hadn't planned on wearing this, but the husband suggested a morning hike and I figured it would be a good idea since a tired toddle=longer nap.

So here's my first outfit today (no real theme here)-



And a bit of detail-


"We are not scaremongering, this is really happening."

I'm a huge Radiohead fan and this shirt has seen better days. You can't tell with the cardigan on but the back, at the collar where the tag is, it is tearing, there are snags in various places but I refuse to get rid of it. It's seen the start of a relationship (and eventual marriage), it's covered me in my pregnancy and various stages of growth (I think I had to retire it around 7 months when I took on the figure of someone who had inexplicably swallowed a small deer). I love it.

Outfit Details-
Shirt and shorts- thrifted, Buffalo Exchange
Cardigan-Target
Shoes- high school throwbacks.
Necklace- thrifted (it's my favorite piece of jewelry I own, well, at least it places very high up there, I wear it all the time).
Sunglasses- Old Navy

Jack wears-
Batman t-shirt, jeans and shoes from Target.

I'll be posting later with the outfit I had planned on and it's theme.

*Author's note-
I was going to do a second outfit this evening but my back has been in a knotted ball of pain since Tuesday. I just want to take some ibuprofen, watch a good movie and eat this incredible brie filled pasta and look at your lovely outfits! I'll post the aforementioned outfit manana.