Playground Love

Waking up from my weekend

This weekend was probably one of the laziest I've experienced in the last 3 years or so. The most exhaustive of activities included grocery shopping, doing dishes and making more coffee. I took about 4 or 5 naps. 4-5 NAPS! If you love sleep as much as I do this is pretty much like getting all the doorbuster sales on Black Friday (which I napped through). Between the napping we ate, watched TV and Greg played video games. It was an exercise in sloth and gluttony and we won the gold. Needless to say this Monday hit me in the head like a cold bass. I think I'm just starting to get some feeling back in my brain and limbs, out of necessity only, and also with the assistance of the heater which hasn't been turned on since last winter and produced that awesome malfunctioning blow dryer smell that I secretly like a little too much (along with gasoline, plastic, leather and sulfur). So, since my brain is still waking up here are some things that tickled my fancy all weekend-

Dear Santa,
I've been a pretty decent girl as of late. I do the dishes and laundry (oh the dishes I do, Santa!) and I've managed to keep our pet human alive and well for another whole year! I know I haven't always been good with the upkeep of say, houseplants or my split ends, but I think those things should be disregarded for the fact that I'm a functioning and occasionally groomed mother. I'll accept any of the following as payment for my good deeds. And in turn I'll leave you cookies and cocktails so pleasant you'll give Rudolph a run for his money in the red nose department. Thank you.

1. This would be perfect for holding my Burt's Bees lip balm and i.d. for those nights out that I smuggle in between momming and writing inane blog posts.
2. This could jazz up my reading corner.
3. I'd be happy to sprain my ankle in these and I could pair these with some skinnies and my Sid Vicious accent!
4. A LBD for me?
5. And a cute rug because I'm starting to turn into a crazy rug lady.


Also!
Some articles- One that made me haha and one that made me say "hells yeah!".
I wonder if these people will let me move in with them?
For people who love music and charity and t-shirts (I'm eyeballing the TV On The Radio edition, for obvious reasons).

But act now and receive-

I've been listening to Devendra Banhart all weekend, almost nonstop. It's safe to say I've become obsessed. He is just all around amazing and makes me feel kinda funny...
*

I mean, how could this not?


So in the case that you haven't been turned on by this genius, here's some of my favorite Banhart jams from my weekend-

Listen all the way through. You'll likely feel like a child with the soul of an 80 year old. That's how you know it's working.

That is all friends. This post is all scattered and wacky enough. As I mentioned earlier, the brain, it is still defrosting. What caught your sights this weekend? Eat anything particularly yummy? Hug anybody particularly tighter? My jeans did that to me. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and holiday. Here's to the next few weeks of ulcer creating holiday shopping, prepping, familial political debates and weight gain! Woot! December, I'm going to make you mine!

*This is the fourth time I've referenced Wayne's World this weekend. I watched it way too much as a kid.

To all of you...

Happy Thanksgiving from all of us!

Last night after discovering re-runs of Wonder Years...

it hit me...
I gave birth to Kevin Arnold-




I got a glimpse of Jack in ten years and it amused me greatly.

Friday Fondue+ GGC's Good Wear Days

As I've mentioned before Rebecca over at Girls Gone Child is doing a segment called Good Wear Days once a week. I haven't participated very much because I got a bit burnt out after Fashion Week, but I figured I'd pick it back up this coming week. So for Friday we have one of my Fashion Week rejects (I rejected it do to the photo quality, my lens was dirty)-



Blouse- Lucca, via Buffalo Exchange
Tank- Old Navy
Pants- Rampage, via Buffalo Exchange
Shoes- Frye, via Ross
Necklace- Thrifted

And last night I went to a show with a couple girlfriends and I wore more shitty camera lighting and this-

*Lack of enthusiasm is coming through due to Jack acting a fool off camera.


Dress (recycled from Spring Fashion Week)- Buffalo
Belt and Shirt- Forever 21
Thigh highs (that make my legs look a tad chunky due to the knit)- Target
Shoes- Frye
Beret- Old Navy

So there's that.

The show we saw was AMAZING! At first I didn't think I'd have as much fun as I do with burlesque shows but this show was probably in the top 10 as far as experience went. I was beaming the entire time. You can check out what we were smiling at here and these guys were one of my favorite parts of the show. So cool.

Some more links-
Jack has been bugging me non-stop to watch the Yo Gabba Gabba shorts for Vans. My favorite was Foofa's.
Somebody at Modcloth was all "hey lets make a skirt for Amanda!" and this is what it looks like.
It's a shame these aren't available to buy. What a tease!
A song that I can't stop listening to. Probably because it reminds me of this song which has always made me want to start a band just so I can do a cover of it.

And that's kind of all I've got. Here's hoping a lovely, relaxing weekend for you all. And if that doesn't work out than here's hoping your fridge is adequately stocked with wine.

On losing my religion to find myself

They say you shouldn't talk about religion and politics. But they also say you should date, get married, buy a house and have the baby and we all know how well I followed that "standard". I can't take anything seriously when my marriage proposal was a mere two feet away from a pissed on pregnancy test that screamed "you guys are in for a ride!" Or "pregnant" in layman's terms.
So I'll talk about my experience with religion and why I'm at where I'm at these days.


When I was about 12 or so I was introduced to The Book of Mormon by a couple of unbearably wholesome and Docker'd missionaries. I had a crush on one of them so I let him convert me. Every "Family Home Evening" night consisted of my dad and two brothers (my mother did not believe in Mormonism so she found other things to do on those nights) taking in the scriptures and me desperately wishing for the onslaught of puberty so these guys would take me seriously. I needed breasts, not celestial kingdoms. But I listened because if my body wasn't going to do the talking my mind would and if these dudes are into Mormon chicks than so help me I'd learn how to be a Mormon. I was barking up the wrong tree.
I was baptized at 13 and from then on out I attended 3 hour long services every Sunday. I walked in every time, dress perfect, hair perfect, with my name engraved perfectly in gold on my Book of Mormon that promised perfection and I sat and I listened. Until I was 16 I listened. But I never actually felt anything. While my father bowed his head to pray, while my grandmother cried during moments of spiritual enlightenment I sat in the pew and doodled when nobody watched. I took the sacrament because I was hungry and considered it an appetizer before the 2 hour youth and young women's groups I would later go on to attend after the first sermon. I was not "feeling the spirit".
After a considerable amount of time considering Mormonism I began to feel defective. I was a 16 year old girl with raging hormones. Defected. I had rebellious thoughts in my head. Defective. I wasn't crying or nodding my head in unison during congregations. Defective. I was feeling nothing, worse, I was feeling contempt. Defective.
I decided that a religion shouldn't make me feel defective or immoral. I thought religion was supposed to lift one up. Bring out the best in people. Make you want to love thy neighbor instead of flee from the building and so I quit. I quit out of guilt, out of fear, out of spite. I denounced Mormonism to my fathers face and went on to feel like I had failed half of my family. To this day I can't be in a room with the lot of them and not think of what they are thinking of me. It's on their faces.
"The girl that doesn't have religion. The girl without a path or salvation. The lost." And there I sit thinking "the sheep. The fooled. The ignorant." It's not a good mix so it's a situation I avoid now. I haven't seen many of them in years.
So, with that bad taste in my mouth I began to view religion as an unnecessary evil. I pushed it all away with all my might until I bent and decided it wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth it to allow so many bad feelings into my heart so one day I decided to let bygones be bygones and I decided I was agnostic. And I'm happy with my decision.
I'm not angry anymore. I'm not torn or conflicted and I'm happier than I've ever been. And what's more, I don't view many religions with hostility. I became accepting. I get readers from all walks of life and I love them all. And that's all that matters to me. I don't care about what you worship. I care about YOU. And these days I'm so much more open.
There are days when I wonder if I'm wrong of course. Days when I stop and think about God or Jesus or his children and wonder if I'm still the wayward sheep. But for the most part I'm happy with my ability to listen to my Christian friends, to be lead into a Krisha temple and be draped with flower necklaces, to open my door to those who knock bringing their gospel instead of pretending I'm not home.
These days I'm home. I'm always home. And you're all welcome in.


"Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as raven's claws."

Blast From The Past

Not to be TOO nostalgic (well, fuck that I'll always be nostalgic, it's my Achilles Heel). But-




Yours truly in the Jack Skellington shirt. End of my Junior year '05. Totally an emo virgin.

*Picture quality is crap because this was found in an old box and scanned.

Flashback

November 30th, 2008

Even though Greg and I were both in the grip of the flu, this day was like the antidote.







You seem to be the antidote for everything. Bear suit or not.

Movies I Love

Annie Hall, 1977


Before there was "500 Days Of Summer" there was Annie Hall. What I love so much about Woody Allen's films is the way he portrays love and relationships. To me they are so accurate- messy, depressing, lovely, warm, cynical. Relationships only seen from the eyes of somebody who's actually been in a relationship. There is some romance but it's certainly not tied to fireplaces or screaming orgasms. Another thing that strikes me is his use of New York as a character in all of his work instead of it being a mere backdrop. If I were to make movies I'd want to do that with Tucson, because how could you not? I can't go anywhere anymore without a memory or ten placed along every avenue or restaurant, every nuance measured and bittersweet. And I love that he gets that and brings it to the surface.





"Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes I have to invent, of course I - I do, don't you think I do?"

Friday I'm In Love

Last night I actually got some decent time to sit back and read. I'm currently flipping through (I usually alternate between about 4 poetry books at once, I cover more ground and awaken my mind more that way) "What Matters Most Is How Well You Walk Through The Fire" by Charles Bukowski. I think I feel a slight kindredness to him lately being jobless and frazzled and for whatever reason craving a cigarette even though I've never REALLY craved a cigarette even when I was a (casual) smoker. So instead of smoking I read Bukowski. And then I crave alcohol and an open window. So I move on to somebody else older and refined like Ezra Pound to save me from falling into Summer '06 all over again.

But I still love Bukowski, like many unknowing women have and I decided I'd start my poetry project (I haven't figured out a name for it) with one of my favorites from him that I find very fitting for this re-animation of a part of myself that I've let weeds grow all over.

Roll The Dice

if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
otherwise, don’t even start.

if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
this could mean losing girlfriends,
wives, relatives, jobs and
maybe your mind.

go all the way.
it could mean not eating for 3 or 4 days.
it could mean freezing on a
park bench.
it could mean jail,
it could mean derision,
mockery,
isolation.
isolation is the gift,
all the others are a test of your
endurance, of
how much you really want to
do it.
and you’ll do it
despite rejection and the worst odds
and it will be better than
anything else
you can imagine.

if you’re going to try,
go all the way.
there is no other feeling like
that.
you will be alone with the gods
and the nights will flame with
fire.

do it, do it, do it.
do it.

all the way
all the way.

you will ride life straight to
perfect laughter, its
the only good fight
there is.

- Charles Bukowski


Now to go and actually go all the way...

A post that resembles Nick Nolte's mug shot

This last weekend was a doozy and I'm still recovering. In the last year or so I took my previous habit of being a hopeless hermit and revamped it into being quasi-social, if only for the exercise (my prime time television and comfort food having ways were catching up to me). And this weekend proved what happens when you say yes to everybody and don't consider logistics or sleep. Saturday we took Jack out and ran errands and Saturday night I met up with a couple friends and went to bed at 4 (I have to drive half an hour each way so it would have been 3) and woke up at 6 to greet Jack and get him and myself ready to go see the in-laws at 10 for brunch. This lasted until about 2:30. We went home and I changed for a dinner and a meeting of my friend's grandmother at 4. She lives about an hour away so as soon as I was ready I ran out of the door to get to my destination on time (I don't like being late for grandmothers, especially such adorable Polish ones). In my haste I did something I've only done maybe twice since I've been able, and legal, to drive- I took the freeway.
I'm petrified of driving on the freeway. All these years I've taken the roads through the city, adding on the minutes, leaving early all because I thought I was avoiding a big metallic death. I have to hunker down in the car and divert my attention when being a passenger. And if Greg stays on the side of a semi too long I freak out. So I don't know what got into me Saturday evening that made me say "you know what, lets do this!" I think it was exhaustion. But it was a small triumph nonetheless, even if my arms did turn into jelly while my knuckles went white over the passing trucks.

Amanda 3.0- Can now cook and drive on the freeway. Fully loaded adult action!

I digress.

Just as soon as dinner was over I ran back across town to pick up Jack to take him to the All Souls Procession. I had decided to give Greg the night off to play video games or nap or watch octopus documentaries, whatever it is he finds fun while I'm gone and what I call "NERD ALERT" when I come back. I also wanted Jack and I to have a bonding experience. He's usually such a daddy's boy and I was getting a little miffed at the "bitch please" glances he's been shooting me lately. I dread the teen years.
We had fun, at first. Walking around, eating empanadas and taking in the parade. Until the hour mark. Jack was getting tired and I ended up having to hold him and the bag stocked with situational necessities that weighed as much as Jack did. So I was walking around in somewhat heeled boots and 60lbs of toddler and toddler paraphernalia. It was fine for the first 30 minutes and then when the hour and a half mark flew by and when my arms felt like stretched out balloons that had been mauled by fire ants I knew it was time to go. I got home around 9:30 and woke up to Monday.
I'm tired and sore and I haven't had time to write like I've wanted. And that's why I haven't posted in the last few days.

Anway, another friend of mine did one of those 25 random things about yourself posts on Facebook and tagged me and I decided I'd do that here since I see some new readers (thanks for following by the way! Welcome! I'm happy to see some new faces). Without further adieu, here's 25 Random Things About Me (that you probably don't care for but are reading anyway because like me, you just don't know why. You just don't know why...)

1. I'm almost always early. By about 15 minutes.
2. I don't miss high school but I miss ditching it. Taking the city bus with my best friend, eating at Grill downtown, writing and listening to music in our escape dens (whoever's boyfriend was hosting). Autumn days like this make me miss it in particular. Or maybe I miss the feeling of feeling invincible.
3. I could eat spaghetti every night and probably not get sick of it.
4. If I could dress like Jim Morrison and Zooey Deschanel had a love child everyday, I would.
5. I'm on the hunt for a gramophone.
6. If I had to declare it, gun to my head- The Rolling Stones>The Beatles (sorry Uncle Rick). But David Bowie>Everything.
7. My grandmother claims we are related to Leif Ericsson and that Ronald Reagan asked out my great-grandmother. She (my great-grandmother) worked in radio (I've also gotten stories about Sinatra and Jerry Lee Lewis making passes at her) at a time when such things were unheard of for a woman. She was brassy and classy and I wish we would have had more time together (she passed when I was very young, I think when I was an infant, she used to call me "Butch").
8. I'm eating chili for breakfast right now. I never want breakfast foods in the morning, I usually crave them at lunch though. It would not be uncommon to find me eating last nights dinner for breakfast and eggs and pancakes for dinner.
9. Things I Don't Care For- Driving on the freeway (still), summer weather, excessive tanning, too much makeup, using "like" as a punctuation mark in conversation (I noticed Kat Von D does this excessively and I think I'm going to turn it into a drinking game next time I watch LA Ink), dieting (I think they're stupid and if I ever use the term "diet" I mean I'm going to cut back on the amount of food I eat and not place stringent rules upon myself), people not using their blinkers and when people think text lingo is perfectly okay to use outside of texting.
10. I have girl crushes on- Milla Jovovich, Christina Ricci, Natalie Portman, Christina Hendricks (who doesn't?) and Maggie Gyllenhaal.
11. Wanna know if I like you? You will if I burn you a c.d.
12. Sometimes I think leggings are perfectly acceptable pants (just make sure they're thick and you're wearing a shirt that covers your bum).
13. I have IBS. It's a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it helps me avoid bad food and a curse because an IBS flare up literally leaves me unable to move and breathe deeply with intense cramps all throughout my midsection. I had to have CT scan once before I knew it was IBS because I thought something was very wrong with me (at one point I was certain my appendix burst).
14. I miss living downtown and our evening walks to Epic Cafe to get the best desserts ever (vegan pistachio pie is AMAZING) with Jack.
15. Odd Jobs I Think About Having- Opening up a laundromat with a stage so bands could play, a food area and wifi, a women's sexuality class instructor (to get women to feel comfortable and celebrate themselves), a baby music class instructor (who wouldn't want their 3 year old to learn Pixies songs on the bass?!), an actor in stage plays (I miss it), opening a piano bar (piano players are hot).
16. I'm a VERY emotional person. I cry at everything. EVVERYTHIIING.
17. I have worn mascara all of three times in my life (give or take). I hate it.
18. I think I won over my father-in-law by finding a word for him that he was drawing a blank on in conversation. That word- didgeridoo.
19. I would move to Seattle today if I could afford it....
20. But a part of me thinks I'd miss Tucson too much.
21. I am agnostic.
22. I hate washing my hair. I try to do it only twice a week (it's good for your hair to skip washes) and if I have to do it more than that I feel like it's going to fall out, get all crispy and die.
23. I'm pretty bummed we don't have a dog or a cat right now.
24. I'm obsessed with vacuuming and it's spreading to Jack now as he follows me around the house while I get my "clean fix" with his own vacuum. This is his vacuum-

25. I'm very close friends with my ex-boyfriends ex-girlfriend. She wanted to tear us apart when we were together and I hated her for all the history she held between the two of them. Once we broke up and after they broke up (they got back together after we broke up) we became friends and very good ones at that (her grandmother was the one I met this weekend). We're all good friends and none of us harbor any past resentments and I'm happy that we were adult enough to do that since their friendships enrich my life very much. Still, some people don't quite "get it". This could be a post for another day...


26. If you read through this entire post I love you. I really do.

Until next time...

Resolutions and links and thanks, oh my!

After my post yesterday and after your lovely, supportive comments I've decided to "go for it." Sometimes even when the urge is great inside me it still takes somebody saying "DO IT YOU FOOL" to get me going. Perhaps it was all those years on the swim team. Standing on that springboard, legs quaking underneath me with the anticipation and nervousness that accompanied every race. Shoulders becoming limp while my back became a piano string and then BOOM and cold and my heart beat pulsing out of my ears and then...blankness, serenity. Free. It's been a long time since any sort of organized athleticism but I won't let it be long when it comes to my poetic aspirations. So thank you for hitting the buzzer and setting me loose.

That being said, I decided I'd take on a little challenge. Awhile back I was given free reign at Barnes and Noble for Mother's Day. I picked up a couple books and movies and among them this. I am going to read through it and educate myself more. It's a pretty thick book but I'm excited. I may even start a segment where I post my favorite poem of the week along with what I may or may not be working on.

So there's that.

Since it's Friday I guess I'll pour some links on this-
An adorable clutch.
I'm kind of getting in the Christmas mood after seeing all of these.
Thinking about getting this for under our dining room table. And I do like this for the living room.
Prints for owl lovers and kids rooms.
Passion Pit is making me perkier and perkier.
Still having fashion week withdrawals? Rebecca is doing a weekly Good Wear Days segment and giving away some ultra chic prizes for the winning participant. As if checking out what that amazing writer/fashion maven is wearing isn't prize enough. I'll be posting a few here and there when I can find the time and outfits for it. You should too!

And that's all I've got for now. This Sunday I'm attending Tucson's annual All Souls Procession and am super excited for the event. Hopefully I'll get some decent pictures to post later.

Have a happy Friday and a lovely weekend!

Lolliblogging

Sometimes when my mind is stretched all over the place my blog suffers. Posts about fashion usually get me through since everybody likes to take pause and lose themselves in aesthetic fantasy. But I desire more, which is why my mind wanders. Lately I've been feeling an inner tugging to pick back up poetry. I miss it. I've been reading Eliot and Bukowski, Poe and Plath here and there when I can catch some free time that doesn't involve the picking up of toddler debris. The trouble I find in starting it back up is the fact that I have people in my life now. People with opinions and feelings that may or may not be offended, hurt, puzzled or worried by what I write. The worst response I can get from something is an impromptu armchair therapy session. So I'm at a crossroads. Go for it and deal with the opinions or worse- unearth feelings I may have subconsciously quarantined. Or don't and feel like you're letting something die. Or do and feel like a secretive person.

I don't like my coffee with a side of dilemmas this early. But that is what's been on my mind lately along with job hunting, Jack rearing, spousing, maintaining social plans and friends and feeling guilty for not having a job, what I am or am not doing in the rearing of Jack, whether I'm screwing my husband enough and not answering my phone or returning texts.

So! If you get fluffy posts and picture laden inane musings it is because I'm desperately trying to figure out the internal conflict. It's because I want to do it all- be funny, be sexy, be a great mom, be a poet, become a writer, have a career, be fit, eat right, be fashionable...

Find your niche.
Find your niche.
Find your niche.


Or implode.


"Thoughts of a dry brain in a dry season..."