Thursday, November 4, 2010

Lolliblogging

Sometimes when my mind is stretched all over the place my blog suffers. Posts about fashion usually get me through since everybody likes to take pause and lose themselves in aesthetic fantasy. But I desire more, which is why my mind wanders. Lately I've been feeling an inner tugging to pick back up poetry. I miss it. I've been reading Eliot and Bukowski, Poe and Plath here and there when I can catch some free time that doesn't involve the picking up of toddler debris. The trouble I find in starting it back up is the fact that I have people in my life now. People with opinions and feelings that may or may not be offended, hurt, puzzled or worried by what I write. The worst response I can get from something is an impromptu armchair therapy session. So I'm at a crossroads. Go for it and deal with the opinions or worse- unearth feelings I may have subconsciously quarantined. Or don't and feel like you're letting something die. Or do and feel like a secretive person.

I don't like my coffee with a side of dilemmas this early. But that is what's been on my mind lately along with job hunting, Jack rearing, spousing, maintaining social plans and friends and feeling guilty for not having a job, what I am or am not doing in the rearing of Jack, whether I'm screwing my husband enough and not answering my phone or returning texts.

So! If you get fluffy posts and picture laden inane musings it is because I'm desperately trying to figure out the internal conflict. It's because I want to do it all- be funny, be sexy, be a great mom, be a poet, become a writer, have a career, be fit, eat right, be fashionable...

Find your niche.
Find your niche.
Find your niche.


Or implode.


"Thoughts of a dry brain in a dry season..."

7 comments:

Adriana said...

you just summed me up right now. i think i put too much pressure on myself

Althea said...

I FEEL THE SAME WAY. Internal struggle.
We all put too much pressure on ourselves. Just try to find ONE thing about your day-each day-that makes you happy.
PS-I've been rereading Bukowski too, but not his poetry. His final book, Pulp. If you haven't yet read it. Its getting me through. Good stuff. Good good stuff.

Chelsea said...

write for YOU and dont worry about offending anyone. it's your art, it's your feelings and your perspective. I say, dont feel guilty for not having a job. Enjoy this time with Jack and stop beating yourself up. I am right there with you though. it's hard.

Awesome Alicia said...

I agree with chelsea - write for yourself. that's what I always thought was so awesome with poetry when I was in high school - you can truly express how you feel (whether it's direct or indirect) & have give people the challenge of analyzing it. maybe I really am talking about a car. or maybe I'm talking about an ex. who knows? only you. poetry is a way to write how you feel, and if people get offended, they don't have to read it. I say go for it girl!

and it's ok you don't have a job. you're trying and that's all that matters. you're a loving & caring mother and having a job isn't all its cracked up to be.

it is possible to do it all. just gotta find the right balance. we're all in the same boat.

autumn said...

agh, I am right there too. Am I cleaning enough? Cooking enough , Moming well enough? Am I teaching her enough? Am I sexy enough? Having sex enough? too much?

UGH- and I miss writing. Real, honest, gritty, sometimes totally nebulous- fragment filled writing.

Do it. I will read. And probably amen every sentence!

LL said...

go for it. fuck it. it is what it is. and all the other stupid cliches. But seriously. Just Do It.

Eva said...

I love writing poetry. I know I'm not even that good at it, but it just *feels right* and just stars coming out of me sometimes. Well, a line or two does, the rest I have to coaxe a bit.

http://bottleblack.blogspot.com