I've been a deadbeat blogger. It looms over my head everyday.
"Can I manage a post today?"
And the truth is, I have tons to work with. Some things painfully real and some things that happened to just pass on through my head. The second I sit down to type, they vanish. Overruled by fatigue and pushed back laundry or meals. My shirt is pulled at by Jack who wants nothing more than his mother and I'll be damned if I deny him that when so much of my time is spent at work these days. When so much of my left over time is spent trying to cheat time itself. Pumping my body full of caffeine, sacrificing sleep, pre-planning, push...push...push some more.
"So, I HAVE to mention it. You've lost about 5-10 lbs! Are you doing something?"
I miss the fullness of my breasts and I miss my knee bones not keeping me awake at night. I'm not really proud of my weight loss. More than anything I am fascinated. "So this is what it looks like. This what trying to have it all feels like. This is pressure." I put on my headphones and push...push...push some more.
Sometimes I cry behind my sunglasses as I watch children fall asleep on the city bus. I think of Jack and I think of the smiles he's sharing with other people all day. People who are not me. Stay-at-home motherhood has always been hard for me. I'm not made for it. I wish I was, but I suppose I'm just not wired that way. And I feel like a piece of shit mom for not being wired that way. But there are times when I do miss it. It can't be explained. It's only felt in my gut and it comes rising up behind my lenses. And I push...push..push some more.
And when I feel I'm at my breaking point I pour more coffee.
And when I feel I'm at my breaking point I turn it up.
And when I feel I'm at my breaking point I wipe it away discreetly with the back of my hand.
And when I feel I'm at my breaking point I write.
I am writing. And I am not breaking. Not yet.
* I apologize over the erratic nature of this post. It just felt good to type again. To open that bleed valve. Coherent posts to come (hopefully).