Friday, October 15, 2010

"Babies" totally threw me off of my game

Last night while selecting my bedtime movie (some people drink bed time tea, I need bed time flicks) on the instant section of Netflix, I noticed "Babies" was available for instant viewing. I figured "why not", the cinematography is beautiful, it's not too intense so it won't leave my brain all wired and unable to sleep and there isn't any dialog so Greg can fall asleep (we have opposing bed time routines- he likes peace and quiet and I come from a previous habit of leaving the TV AND the radio on in cooperating volumes, I suppose I'm afraid of too much silence). And then it happened...

The Cooing.

"Ooohhh. Awwww. Oh my god babe, the Mongolian baby is looking at this rooster all like "WTF?!"

And there were moments there where I caught myself and thought "bite your tongue woman! Can you hear your fool self?! NO. MORE. BABIES."


For a long time I've firmly planted the idea in my head and everybody else's in a five mile vicinity that I will not be having another baby.
"One is enough!"
"Only one college fund to think about!"
"I'll only be 40 by the time he's full on in college. We won't be too old to start traveling!"
"I can't go through another pregnancy."
"I'm afraid."
"I'm not adequate enough."

Last night I also watched "Kramer vs. Kramer" and there is a scene where Dustin Hoffman was told by his lawyer to write out a pros and cons list to see if having full custody is REALLY what he wants. We find him quickly filling in the cons section. And when it came to the pros, when he found himself stuck, he walked into his sons room and held him. And that's what parenthood is. Easy to mark the cons, but so trivial compared to the feeling. There was no need to fill in the pros. It is unwritable, only lived. The smell of their hair. Their weight in your arms. The world in their face.

For awhile now I've wanted a little girl. I love the boy I have, sometimes I'm even more partial to boys, but for some reason I can't get this imaginary girl out my head. With her curly brown hair and happy eyes, with her wild laugh and her heart changing grin. I want Greg to have a daughter. I want Greg's parents to have a granddaughter.

But I know gender isn't promised and I know I should be happy with whoever I get. And so I remain paused.

I'm not going to toss the IUD out of the window (there's a lovely picture!) next week or even next year. We have things to get more in order. Babies are expensive. Babies need space and time and more than that babies need parents who are ready, especially when those parents know the effects of being unready, even with the blessings they bring.

So, maybe I'm softening around the edges when it comes to the internal (and external) baby debate I've been having with myself for awhile. Maybe there will be four pairs for shoes lined up by the door in a few years. Who knows. At least, right now, I'm not as scared.


Maggie May said...

I just love this post.

Chelsea said...

I got teary eyed when you were talking about that krammer vs. krammer movie. That's one of my favorite movies. That's when I fell in love with Dustin hoffman. He's one of my celebrity crushes (young hoffman!). What a great film. You're right, it's hard to find the cons when you take an honest look at parenting.

Here's my opinion: you're never going to be ready. No matter what you have in place and what your bank account looks like, there will be hard days and easy days. And, we've had this SAME convo recently because I don't feel READY for the next baby and Dustins like, "we can do this!" It's scary. I feel like, am i woman enough to handle two! Everyday all day!
But what would I do without my siblings? I would have been LOST in life. I think of that too. I need Conrad to have a brother or sister because I don't want him to be alone. As an adult now, I love my brother so much, we're more like best friends than siblings (we pretty much talk about EVERYTHING. There is nothing off limits and he treats me like I've got something to offer him with giving advice eventhough i'm 4 years younger.)

I always think that 2-3 kids would be nice. I could help with college funds, we could probably afford family trips.... have two of our own and adopt 1 later maybe.... I dont know. There are so many moms that I see who can handle 2 or 3, so why can't i?

Loved this post.
You're an excellent writer.


Juli said...

Love it. I agree with Chelsea. You'll never be ready. But it's not something I would ever suggest rushing into. (sort of like I did!) It is the most amazing and heart warming thing though when your two kids are playing together, whispering together, and when you find them secretly holding hands. omg I love it so much.

Sometimes when I'm trying to go to sleep, I find myself thinking about #3! I want to smack myself in the face! But maybe someday...

Amanda said...

@ Chelsea & Julie- You're both so right. We'll never be ready because in reality when you look at ALL of the aspects of children, nobody is ever ready. Children simply MAKE you ready. They mold you as much as you do them. And I know, if we have another by accident or choice, the result will be the same. Another person to love. Plain and simple.

And if not? Well, we have a person who packs a whole lot of love in one punch anyway!

Thanks for your words!

Erin said...

I'm in the same boat as you. We have one little girl right now and the idea of having another is so frightening. We weren't ready for the first one and I can't imagine being ready for another but I guess it all works out in the end.

Adriana said...

im totally with Chelsea on this. No one is ever really ready. I so thought I was NOT ready when I found out I was pregs with H but ya know? looking back? Im not sure why. I mean my career was just taking off and all but eh, F it, its just a job and now look how much love I have in my life.
yet im still both equally ecstatic and terrified of having another.