Last night while selecting my bedtime movie (some people drink bed time tea, I need bed time flicks) on the instant section of Netflix, I noticed "Babies" was available for instant viewing. I figured "why not", the cinematography is beautiful, it's not too intense so it won't leave my brain all wired and unable to sleep and there isn't any dialog so Greg can fall asleep (we have opposing bed time routines- he likes peace and quiet and I come from a previous habit of leaving the TV AND the radio on in cooperating volumes, I suppose I'm afraid of too much silence). And then it happened...
"Ooohhh. Awwww. Oh my god babe, the Mongolian baby is looking at this rooster all like "WTF?!"
And there were moments there where I caught myself and thought "bite your tongue woman! Can you hear your fool self?! NO. MORE. BABIES."
For a long time I've firmly planted the idea in my head and everybody else's in a five mile vicinity that I will not be having another baby.
"One is enough!"
"Only one college fund to think about!"
"I'll only be 40 by the time he's full on in college. We won't be too old to start traveling!"
"I can't go through another pregnancy."
"I'm not adequate enough."
Last night I also watched "Kramer vs. Kramer" and there is a scene where Dustin Hoffman was told by his lawyer to write out a pros and cons list to see if having full custody is REALLY what he wants. We find him quickly filling in the cons section. And when it came to the pros, when he found himself stuck, he walked into his sons room and held him. And that's what parenthood is. Easy to mark the cons, but so trivial compared to the feeling. There was no need to fill in the pros. It is unwritable, only lived. The smell of their hair. Their weight in your arms. The world in their face.
For awhile now I've wanted a little girl. I love the boy I have, sometimes I'm even more partial to boys, but for some reason I can't get this imaginary girl out my head. With her curly brown hair and happy eyes, with her wild laugh and her heart changing grin. I want Greg to have a daughter. I want Greg's parents to have a granddaughter.
But I know gender isn't promised and I know I should be happy with whoever I get. And so I remain paused.
I'm not going to toss the IUD out of the window (there's a lovely picture!) next week or even next year. We have things to get more in order. Babies are expensive. Babies need space and time and more than that babies need parents who are ready, especially when those parents know the effects of being unready, even with the blessings they bring.
So, maybe I'm softening around the edges when it comes to the internal (and external) baby debate I've been having with myself for awhile. Maybe there will be four pairs for shoes lined up by the door in a few years. Who knows. At least, right now, I'm not as scared.