Thursday, July 22, 2010

Wake me up when Fall is here...

I've been stressed. Sure I don't show it that often. I'm the type of person that generally gives no warning of pain until it's crossed way beyond my threshold (a real pleasure for gynecologists and tattoo artists and husbands), but my threshold is being poked at.

Greg has been working...a lot. A couple days ago he worked from home all day sitting in our room doing reports while classical music blared from the computer speakers and coffee cups with brown crop circles staining the bottoms accumulated along our desk. My job was to keep Jack at bay. Which should be easy. But when you have a daddy's boy like Jack and a dad who isn't usually home during those hours you get a toddler who has to perpetually be reminded that "daddy can't play right now". Insert tantrum. And then try again. And then say "no". Insert tantrum. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. I felt like and asshole all day. An asshole with a mounting migraine, withering patience and what I think is an ulcer forming although I'm not quite sure.

Along with seeing Greg work his ass off comes the constant reminder that I am not. The last few weeks have consisted of collecting handfuls of applications, filling them out until my writers bump blisters and then getting dolled up in 115 degree heat and dropping them back off. Hoping that I speak to a manager. Hoping that that manager is so smitten with me instead of my less than spectacular resume (I have a two year gap since I've stayed home with Jack) that they'll say "why not?!" Hoping for a bone to finally be thrown. Hell, I'll settle for a crumb at this point. And then when my phone remains silent, when the "we aren't hiring" is uttered, I hope that I have the wherewithal to do it all over again in two days.
And I hate it. I hate that for the last month "you don't have a job. you need a job. get a job." is all I've heard. A record I can't change because it's true, and it's driving me crazy. Making me feel worthless and inadequate and shameful.

Along with that my family is going through some more bullshit. My family perpetually goes through bullshit. It's really frustrating to be married to somebody who has what could be considered a perfect family (or as close to perfect as one can get) when I get phone calls saying-
"So and so is doing drugs again."
"So and so are fighting."
"So and so went and got a tattoo at some scumbags house like a fucking moron and now it looks infected. He's rebelling and I don't know what to do anymore."
"So and so got laid off."
"So and so died."

I'm so sick of dealing with crisis'. Of struggling despite the fact that we follow the rules, are good people, make efforts to better our lives and ones around us when they need help. Sick of seeing 20 year olds driving Bentleys while 40 year olds barely have enough money to pay their rent. Sick of watching the girl in front of me with the tits get a job despite not being able to tell the difference between "their" and "there." Sick of being invited to places I can't afford or parties I can't afford gifts too.


But at least I have Jack. And it finally rained. And the car is working. And the rent is paid. And there is food to cook. And love.

And love.
And love.


autumn said...

I am so glad to have found your blog during the fashion week. I don't have much to add other than, I feel for you. Glad you wrote it out before you hit the wall.

Jessica said...

Hi Amanda, I'm sorry you're feeling frazzled. I recently had a lot of trouble finding a job,...twice actually. It took a whole summer after I graduated with my B.A. to get a job at a high school and it's taken me this whole summer to finally get a job for the University of Phoenix. I don't know if you've ever looked on Craigslist but I've had lots of interviews through jobs posted there. I always see part-time positions for personal assistants and administrative jobs that maybe would work into your schedule. Or, if you like working with students I think school districts are always hiring for assistants in their classrooms (I worked with high school students and it was great). Although the hours would be like 7:30-3 which might not be good with a little one at home. Anyways keep us posted because I know EXACTLY how you're feeling right now. Hang in there lady friend :)

Amanda said...

@Autumn- Thank you. I'm glad people can find something in this little catch all of brain drippings that is my blog. It's nice to know people actually read it and I'm not just spewing words into an abyss. Thank you.

@Jessica- Yep, I do remember your job hunt and how frustrating it was for you. I'm willing to bet it was doubly maddening considering you had graduated college and you definitely have the brains to really benefit any company that hires you.
I LOVE your idea of being a classroom assistant, but yes, unfortunately with Jack the hours are on the opposite spectrum of what I'm seeking out. But I may look into it some more if I can fanangle some childcare via Greg's mom (she had offered it up at one point). So we'll see. Thanks for commiserating!

Chelsea said...

Gosh, I SO feel you on this. I HATE when friends invite me to expensive restaurants that I can't afford, even worse, I hate having to explain that we can't go because I can't afford them!

and also, I too have a husband with a "perfect" family too whose never seen the type of disfunction my family has-their disfunction is more hidden, ours is right out on the table of everyone to see. I don't know what is worse.

I've dealt with feeling inadequate as well. When I decided to stay home with conrad, the deal was that I would be responsible to bring in 600 dollars every month, whatever way I chose to do so. That was scary. Even then with me bringing in money, my mother in law was buying our groceries every week for the first 6 months of conrad's life because we were so terrified of not being able to do it all without me bringing in enough money. Some months i'd have a ton of photography jobs, some months i'd have zero-and i'd feel guilty for being at home with the baby and not working a normal job. I felt like garbage that I wasn't bringing in money to contribute like I used to. THEN, there's the topic of feeling guilty for spending money that I Didn't make. LIke, not having my "own" money to spend.

sheesh! I know how it feels, what you described.

Dustin tries to remind me that when you have a mindset like "I deserve this or I should have that, or why does so-in-so get to go on vacations all the time, and I don't", you start to act like you're intitled to those things, and maybe those things should start meaning less to you than they do. I tend to put so much weight or meaning on things that don't matter. But anyway, money isn't a bad thing, being content not having money is the key though. I feel like once i start feeling content, my attitude will change. This is also my advice to me.... ;)

What a great hubby you've got!

*hugs* hang in there girl!

Molly said...

How cool are you that even after listing some significant hardships in your life you were able to find substantial stuff to be grateful for...

Thanks for a glimpse into what's going on in your heart!

Maggie May said...

oh sweetie i have so many days like this, where i just end up saying 'i have love' as a mantra. hang in there underwear. (?)

Amanda said...

Thanks for the support ladies. It really means a lot to me that I can vent on here and have understanding to fall back on.