Friday, January 16, 2009

Everything In Its Right Place...

or not.

I have come to realize that I must accept all people. Accept them of their flaws, embrace them for their better attributes. But its not easy. Good lawdy it's not easy.
I'm not much of a 'people person' as it is. I'm more of a misanthrope than an optimist of the evolved ape. I expect the worst, hope to be delightfully surprised, and usually end up crying in my zinfindale. Like last night for instance. I was once again disappointed by the ways and reasons of people. Angry and shaken I took up chain smoking and wine in a cup for the night (it was no time for finer stemware so a glass cup was more fitting).
And I thought.
Perhaps it's because I was forced to grow up fast. By my senior year of high school I had a divorce, death, break-up and a new full time job all within the same month. I worked and saved up for my own car and bought it in full by myself. I helped my jobless at the time father raise my two little brothers after my mother moved out to go live with her old high school boyfriend. And five months after my 19th birthday I found out I would become a parent, and so I was, one week after my 20th birthday. I have moved about six times in less than a year, and watched my childhood home be foreclosed. Yes, the last two years have been tiresome, relentless and at times enlightening.
I'm not saying enduring any of this makes me better than anyone else. People have certainly endured worse. But it has altered me. Built character and perseverance.
Yet when I look around at my generation, I can't help but feel lost in a sea of people who constantly search for the easy way out, feel entitled to everything, and complain when it isn't to their standards. They refuse to see the bigger picture. They close their eyes and talk, get sucked up in petty college/high school/work/life politics, read the fear in the newspapers and watch it on the news, and at the end of the day after all the bombardment of social garbage they absorb, they feel like shit and want nothing more than to spew it onto the next person. Infect them so they're not alone. If you get trapped into it, the vicious circle continues.
Last night I let anger and pettiness writhe its way in my body and destroy my outlook on people once again. Silently thinking of terrible things I could say or write or do. Talking to myself and saying "you knew it all along didn't ya?! People ARE really seedy little fucktards! HA!" As my brain raged my heart sank and a little voice in it (perhaps my conscience or soul) told me not to give up.
Not again. Not now. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.
I'm still trying to let it go. To be kind without feeling like a doormat. To be assertive without being a bitch. To do things for others without expecting even the slightest gratitude, and when that happens, killing the urge to completely write them off. I'm still trying to accept. I'm still trying to hope.I'm not making much progress with it just yet, but I feel I will one day.
And when I do something will finally feel sacred.

"One day I am gonna grow wings/ A chemical reaction/hysterical and useless."

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