Saturday, January 29, 2011

Mama Police

Let's get one thing out of the way- I have a potty mouth. No! I have the mouth of a pirate ship that's been lost at sea for three years, battling scurvy and entertaining loose women. Before Jack I never gave a thought as to who I was potentially offending (old ladies on the bus, my English teacher) and I just let the f-bombs and s-storms come flying when and where I felt fit.

"It makes you sound uneducated."
"Whatever. I have the highest GPA in the damn English class. So that notion can go fuck itself."

Fast forward a few years and now I have Jack. When Jack was an infant I figured he was too mesmerized by his own hands to notice the "son of a motherfuck"s I was tossing around when it came to breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, healing c-section sites and general Arizona summer weather. Surely he didn't notice the in-depth expletives I served up my malcontents on the road. No, my son would never understand "donkey dildo shit eater" from "Ohhhh, loooook at the duckies!!"

Until he did.

After Jack dropped his very own f-bomb the other day while mimicking me, I slammed the brakes.

"Uuuuuhhhh nooooo! Okay, listen. Mama has a bad, bad potty mouth! And she needs to STOP! No bad words okay?"

And we moved on to more pressing matters like apple juice refills and guitar playing.

But, habits don't just end at the snap of a finger. And by dinner I had "an accident".

"*pop off oil landing on my skin from the skillet* Oooowww fuck!"

And then I see this curly head of hair peek around the corner, with an expression I can only describe as "unimpressed Martha Stewart", points at me with disgust and says-

"Ohh, oh yes, I'm sorry dude. You're right! No bad words! I'm sorry."
"That's okay."

And so it has begun. The reform of my rebel tongue. It's just kinda f*@ked up that a 2 year old had to point it out.

Classy Amanda, reeeeeal classy.


Alicia said...

Welcome to the world of "jeepers!" "cripes!" and "sweet potatoes!" said...

I was going to ask why you didn't post the famous "Fuuuuuudge" scene from A Christmas Story, but now I know why. Observe the best avail:

Rashel said...

This is amazing! I too have a mouth of sailor. I am finding myself in a similar situation. Although my daughter has been mimicking me for at least a year now. She is also 2. I can't seem to stop. She now says freaking (oh my god that is so freaking cute), effing (my puppy is effing silly). I am ok with that, but I get in trouble by family members. My husband is the same way so we don't help each other much in that dept. So yeah, I totally get what your dealing with. Shiiiiiiit. :p

Tara said...

Ahahaha, oh man, I loooove how he scolded you!

On a side note, it can actually be hilariously fun to make things up that sound like swears, my sister and I used to make a game of it, because my mom was totally against us swearing. My sister has a horrendously bad potty mouth, but, I enjoy yelling out our random alternatives, mostly because they get great reactions from people.


cheese and rice
what the ship?!
ship deck (that one was all thanks to my uncle, actually)

Actually, really, yelling out anything random that doesn't sound like it should be some sort of swear usually gets a great reaction. It's kind of like having Tourettes, except with normal words in inappropriate contexts.

Melissa said...

hahaha this is hilarious! so true though, you think they arent paying attention to anything you say but they hear every single word. better start watching what I say around my niece!

Amanda said...

@Alicia- I knew it would happen one day. Frack!

@Tucson- YES!! I didn't post because I'm not as sharp as you :(.

@Rashel- It's been so hard to stop! I never thought cursing was, well, a habit. And one that is hard to me to break just yet.

@Tara- Totally going to try out your suggestion! It actually sounds like fun!

@Melissa- What the what?! You have a blog?! I'm comin' over!

wonderchris said...

I know I'm going to be the worst when driving!! That's when the trucker in me comes out!

flyrish said...

I'm pretty sure I cuss more now that I'm a mom. Great timing. Anyway, I feel your pain and your struggle. Q is just getting to that age of imitating and I had to quickly turn the S-word into Shhhh after he heard me blurt it out the other day and repeated it.

Chelsea said...

i've felt guilty for cursing infront of conrad too.

*have you seen fantastic mr fox? that movie is so clever. Instead of cursing they'll say "What the cuss?" instead of what the hell. it made me smile during the movie. Dustin tried to adopt their non-cursing ways but ended up just sounding like a douche.

;) Either say it or dont say it you know? I'm trying my darndest not to say it these days!