Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Giving in to a little high school nostalgia

I recently rediscovered a current friends old blog and she mentioned Brand New, and without skipping a beat I dug them up from my i-tunes. And Oh.My.God. If there was a band that wrote my feelings when I was 15-18 it was Brand New. Granted I was what some would consider now "emo" (what isn't emotional at that age). I listened to a lot of Bright Eyes, Dashboard Confessional, the Smiths and Taking Back Sunday, and by the time I hit the end of my sophomore year I decided to give music of a more indie vibe a whirl. I rejected my "emo-ness" and made an active campaign to forget it. It was just to "juvenile" I said, but who the fuck doesn't feel like a Bright Eye's song from time to time. I know I felt like Conor Oberst was singing my life for a good year or two. Anyway, when I was listening to Brand New, I got dreadfully nostalgic nearly to the point of tears.

I imagined myself in high school and found mental photographs and matched them to lyrics.

My first real relationship that inevitably lead to my first real heartbreaking break-up and insert "Tatou"- "I'm sinking like a stone in the sea/I'm burning like a bridge for your body." I remember I was actually listening to that song when my ex confessed to his infidelity and then suddenly- "your hair is everywhere" (granted that was Dashboard).

My disenchantment and my covering up a broken heart with different boys and Parliament cigarettes. I said "I don't care" a lot. Insert "Me vs. Madonna vs. Elvis".

"I got desperate desires and unadmirable plans
My tongue will taste of gin and malicious intent
Bring you back to the bar, get you out of the cold
A sober straight face gets you out of your clothes
And they're scared, that we know
All the crimes they'll commit
Who they'll kiss before they get home

I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say"

Eventually I said yes to meeting my now-husband. Only I was still in "I don't care" mode. I broke up with him for two weeks to get my shit straight. To kill the girl who used and lied and resurrect the one that was there all along. A girl that loves wholeheartedly. I can't say I don't regret that two weeks. I felt like shit for hurting him. I hated myself for the things I said. Insert "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot".
"If it makes you less sad I will die by your hand. I hope you find out what you are, I already know what I am. And if it makes you less sad we'll start talking again. You can tell me how vile I already know that I am.

I'll grow old and start acting my age. I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate. A crown of gold, a heart thats harder than stone but it hurts a whole lot and its missed when its gone.

Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive, I'm only hoping as time goes on you can forget.

If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of this state. You can keep you yourself. I'll keep out of your way. And if it makes you less sad I'll take your pictures all down. Every picture you paint I will paint myself out.

It's cold as a tomb and its dark in your room when I sneak to your bed to pour salt on your wounds. So call it quits or get a grip. You say you wanted a solution, you just wanted to be missed.

Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes on you can forget. So you can forget.

You are calm and reposed, let your beauty unfold. Pale white like the skin stretched over your bones. Spring keeps you ever close, you are second hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins. Holding on to yourself the best you can. You are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins.

Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes on you can forget."

My god! These rides back to the places that I've come to fear the most are both sad and incredibly hopeful in equal measure. I'm so happy I grew and found myself. I'm grateful for everything I've been through and the things I still have to face down.

"Does anybody remember back when you were very young?
Did you ever think that you would be this blessed?"

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