I don't have anything very poignant to write. I find myself about halfway through my first cup of coffee (one hot cup in the morning and a larger iced version in the afternoon), still clad in pajamas, hanging out and catching up on TV with Colleen, who has telecommuted today. She hasn't seen me very much, and neither has this blog. So I figured I'd write and catch up just for the sake of doing those things.
The reasons for my absence-
1. A Big, Big Love
Zack and I have been together for an admittedly short period of time but it has been an all consuming, inseparable, deeply happy period of time nonetheless. I can safely say that what has become is something that I had never anticipated in a million years, ESPECIALLY after the last few. There have been two times when love has been defined in my life- the first was when I looked at Jack for the first time. And this.
2. The D-Word
Greg finally met him before Zack, Jack and I departed for a week long vacation up to Sacramento to see my not-so-little-anymore brother graduate high school. It went smoothly and as we departed I got the text-
"I like Zack. He's a good guy. Have a safe trip!"
There are moments when I feel guilty. Shouldn't divorce be hard? Shouldn't both of us be filled with resentment and cattiness? Shouldn't it be soul crushing to walk into a city building and take a number to process the papers that will sever what everybody assumed would be a forever union?
Last week Greg and I walked into the superior court's building and conducted ourselves with more jubilance than an ex-couple signing away their marriage probably should have. The office people even seemed perplexed. But page by page we made our way through the red-tape and the only twinge of melancholy I felt was over the fact that at the window right next to us, a young, fresh faced couple who couldn't have been more than 20 years old, signed their marriage license as we went from Man and Wife to Plaintiff and Defendant.
It was surreal. It was a testament to how the universe keeps moving. One thing ends, another begins.
We walked back out into the Tucson heat, talking about Jack-isms and our new significant others and what we hope the future will hold.
Jack has been thriving. He rarely throws a tantrum or is disagreeable and just wants to have a good time. He sings Queen songs like a mad man and seems to understand the difference in our lives now. It never gets easier watching him grow up, no longer my baby, not even my toddler, but I can say it is endlessly fascinating. Watching him grow these emotions and thoughts on his own and relating them in the world leaves me in a proud silence. I sit back and marvel over what an easy child he is. How effortless it has been to parent him. I lucked out.
4. I am-
* Currently looking for a job in a shitty economy and becoming increasingly uncomfortably frustrated over It All.
* Reading a great book on the last burlesque queens.
* Lamenting the heat every five minutes and fantasizing about Seattle (which I will be back in in November!)
* Telling my baby fevered uterus and brain to STFU every five minutes. Thank god for IUDs and common sense.
* Trying to figure out what it is I REALLY want to do. Because I want to do it NOW. And I want to create the future I envisioned for myself and my little family instead of just sitting on the What If's and Maybe When's. I feel as though I have come full force into adulthood. No longer chasing down pipe dreams and becoming more comfortable with myself to be able to actually talk frankly to myself instead of filling my head with platitudes.
And that's about it, for now.