I've been having a hard time falling asleep lately. Some people think it is the result of the caffeine I run through my body like it's the only form of liquid known to man. I know it's because my body is revolting against the times. These times. These times where I find myself in a dance that I follow mindlessly. Wake up, walk to work, coffee, work, eat, go home, open laptop, struggle, drink or don't drink due to the struggle, sleep. It's been awhile since I've exercised more than the walks to work and the constant movement that my job generally brings. It is toil but it is not the type of exercise one does out of respect for their body. It is a wiriness built out of survivalism instead of a temple built out of discipline and love. It's been awhile since I've eaten healthily. I have taken to preferring easiness and availability over nourishment. I am surprised it hasn't caught up with me yet, at least that I know of. It's been awhile since I've danced. Since I've felt the cramping in my hands, placing threads through needles eyes and craft store diamonds on corsets. Moving my hips in unison with drum beats, letting lyrics allude to what's next. It's been awhile since I've been on here. I know the aforementioned is why I can't sleep. The stagnancy of what truly makes me thrive while the things I just "get through" dominate. At least I've managed this. Perhaps this will buy me a few hours.
Oh, hi. Hello there. How are things? That's a lovely blouse.
I've been MIA for...longer than I would've liked. But, life. Sometimes it just tangles you up in it's own agenda too much. Between working, Jack, and trying to catch the proverbial tiger by it's toe, I let this blog fall by the wayside and it saddens me. I love writing. I love sharing words over the vast universe that is The Internet, and when I fail to do both I get a little down and out about it. A couple weeks ago I ran into one of my high school English teachers (in the bar I quasi-regularly frequent when the going gets tough and the tough need a strong vodka gimlet). She was my favorite of the four that I had. She made us read the best, most thought provoking, controversial books. She made us reach deeper in ourselves. She made me a better writer. "Amanda Sierra?!" "Yes. Yeah." "Wow! Oh man, you were one of my best students. You were one hell of a writer! Are you still doing it?" "Well, kind of. Maybe one day I will seriously, but for now I just keep a dorky ass blog." "Let me know if you need any help. You've got to keep it up. You were amazing." "You were!"
And then she had me sample her drink and my head spun with how surreal it was that I was sharing alcoholic beverages with somebody I looked up to/look up to. And when she wasn't looking, I cried a little bit. Her words hit me for some reason. They were so needed in these moments where I am reinventing myself and still trying to hang on to what matters.
This dorky blog matters, to me. I want to keep up with it more. I want to keep making myself search out for the words, for the moments.
Anyway (THAT was a longer intro then I meant to write but it's been awhile and the word vomit is happening so I'm just going to go for it)! The Paper Mama is doing a photo challenge that I figured I'd hop in on.
My Self Portrait and Info (I may have mentioned before that all I'm rockin' these days is a cell phone camera with a Retro Camera app so...yeah).
Obsessing over... Revamping my wardrobe on a teeny, tiny budget. I want a more cohesive closet with things that I can wear all the time (there's a lot of random stuff in there that I bought on a whim and that, frankly, doesn't really suit me anymore).
Working on... Trying to write more. Also trying to balance a few other hobbies.
Thinking about... My taxes. Exciting, I know.
Anticipating... A semi-spontaneous jaunt to Mexico for a couple days. I'm hoping the beach and some sun will help with a few things, mainly my head.
Listening to... Whatever is shuffling through my broken (the screen display has been out for some time now) ipod and Kurt Vile.
Eating... Coffee. I'm not a big eater before noon, which is when my appetite starts to kick in. Once it does kick in I'm sure I'll find myself with a bowl of soup (I freaking LOVE soup).
Wishing... For a lot less split ends, a lot more cash flow, less of an achy back/legs/feet (I'm on them A LOT) and for the weather we've been having lately NOT to end.
