Easter 2012

It's hard to log into Blogger and see all the wonderful pictures of families. Families celebrating Easter, children with eggs clasped in their excited hands.

Nobody tells you that, when getting divorced, you split everything into two and one of you will periodically be stuck with the short end of the stick. Holidays are better spent with family and when yours is split, holidays take on a different shade. Grey with streams of light that sneak through your bedroom window antagonizing your eyes.

"Maybe next year..."

You begin to lose your enthusiasm for the dates that come pre-marked on your calendar. You superimpose your own meaning on days where everybody else is busily trudging away through the daily tasks of life. This makes you creative. But not creative enough to escape the inevitable twinge of melancholy that finds you at 2 p.m., still clad in your pajamas, drinking vodka sodas and watching movies on TV. Because what else do you do when you know you've lost another round of Happy Normalcy?

You go to bed early, you distract yourself with other things, you wake up and wonder if Jack will like jelly beans on Friday the 13th instead.

Hot Child In The City

He is at home among the concrete and buildings that draw his eyes to the sky. They are as tall as they will ever be to him. One day they will seem less like giants and become commonplace, but for now they are worth pointing upwards to with wonderment that reflects off the hundreds of windows.



We are serenaded by street performers and he hides behind me when they direct their attention to him.
"Hey there, kid!"
"Hi," he whispers behind my knees.
He is wary of attention louder than the instruments, preferring instead to remain anonymous and take in the sound. The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. We blush, we hide, we move on to the next cafe.


Our mother-son "dates" downtown have become ritualistic. I value them more than I realize sometimes and I hope he does too. Eventually he will be like me, wandering around as a teenager looking for stories to make his own. He is brand new among the historic buildings that hold memories of mine, that are becoming memories of his.

By the time we have our next adventure he will have already grown just a tad closer to the top of those buildings.

Four

I sat on top of the parking garage on Park and Speedway and watched the sun blush until it tucked itself away for the evening. That was five years ago. I sat on top of that parking garage and watched the world, seemingly alone. I wasn't.
I went home and told your father that yes, yes we would try. We would allow the world I watched from several stories up flip upside down. We would keep the child, tucked away under my clothes, my doubts, my fear. You made us yours and hurling towards us, week by week, we could only hold hands and brace ourselves for the impact.

"Red rover, red rover, send the future over."

Four years ago I walked around the hospital grounds, waiting for you to arrive. It was happening. The culmination of nine months and wondering. Nine months and worrying. Nine months and hoping that everything would be okay.

I blinked and you were born. I blinked and you were crawling, walking, running. You were one, two, three times my baby. But not anymore.

Today you are four.

You want to walk down the sidewalk on your own now. You want to uncover the stories in the dirt for yourself. I offer my hand, try to reel you back into my grasp, but you won't have it anymore. You are on your own mission.

"I can walk on my own. You trust me now."

I don't want to believe it. The notion that one day you'll walk on these sidewalks completely alone, without me to point out the colors in the early spring daisies. Without me to say "we're almost there."



You reassure me now. You hold my hand only when you feel I need it. And much like that summer evening I spent staring off into that pink horizon, unsure of the unknown, somewhere deep down I knew it would be okay. You knew.

I trust you now. We're almost there.



Happy Birthday, little prince.

Lately

Reveling in the weather.


Working on burlesque again.



Loving dresses you can live in.


Organizing and decorating all at once.


Finding that cats make good photo subjects.


Mother-son walks to our favorite local haunts.




Saying goodbye to bartender friends.


Saying hello to this face.


Looking up.

Restless

I've been having a hard time falling asleep lately. Some people think it is the result of the caffeine I run through my body like it's the only form of liquid known to man. I know it's because my body is revolting against the times. These times. These times where I find myself in a dance that I follow mindlessly. Wake up, walk to work, coffee, work, eat, go home, open laptop, struggle, drink or don't drink due to the struggle, sleep.
It's been awhile since I've exercised more than the walks to work and the constant movement that my job generally brings. It is toil but it is not the type of exercise one does out of respect for their body. It is a wiriness built out of survivalism instead of a temple built out of discipline and love.
It's been awhile since I've eaten healthily. I have taken to preferring easiness and availability over nourishment. I am surprised it hasn't caught up with me yet, at least that I know of.
It's been awhile since I've danced. Since I've felt the cramping in my hands, placing threads through needles eyes and craft store diamonds on corsets. Moving my hips in unison with drum beats, letting lyrics allude to what's next.
It's been awhile since I've been on here.
I know the aforementioned is why I can't sleep. The stagnancy of what truly makes me thrive while the things I just "get through" dominate.
At least I've managed this. Perhaps this will buy me a few hours.

Happy Birthday, Arizona! Happy Singles Awareness Day, singles! Happy Valentine's Day, nobody!

Here's a mix that managed to put together with the remaining shreds of love in my jaded old soul.

The Paper Mama Photo Challenge

Oh, hi. Hello there. How are things? That's a lovely blouse.

I've been MIA for...longer than I would've liked. But, life. Sometimes it just tangles you up in it's own agenda too much. Between working, Jack, and trying to catch the proverbial tiger by it's toe, I let this blog fall by the wayside and it saddens me. I love writing. I love sharing words over the vast universe that is The Internet, and when I fail to do both I get a little down and out about it. A couple weeks ago I ran into one of my high school English teachers (in the bar I quasi-regularly frequent when the going gets tough and the tough need a strong vodka gimlet). She was my favorite of the four that I had. She made us read the best, most thought provoking, controversial books. She made us reach deeper in ourselves. She made me a better writer.
"Amanda Sierra?!"
"Yes. Yeah."
"Wow! Oh man, you were one of my best students. You were one hell of a writer! Are you still doing it?"
"Well, kind of. Maybe one day I will seriously, but for now I just keep a dorky ass blog."
"Let me know if you need any help. You've got to keep it up. You were amazing."
"You were!"

And then she had me sample her drink and my head spun with how surreal it was that I was sharing alcoholic beverages with somebody I looked up to/look up to. And when she wasn't looking, I cried a little bit. Her words hit me for some reason. They were so needed in these moments where I am reinventing myself and still trying to hang on to what matters.

This dorky blog matters, to me. I want to keep up with it more. I want to keep making myself search out for the words, for the moments.

Anyway (THAT was a longer intro then I meant to write but it's been awhile and the word vomit is happening so I'm just going to go for it)! The Paper Mama is doing a photo challenge that I figured I'd hop in on.


My Self Portrait and Info

(I may have mentioned before that all I'm rockin' these days is a cell phone camera with a Retro Camera app so...yeah).

Obsessing over...
Revamping my wardrobe on a teeny, tiny budget. I want a more cohesive closet with things that I can wear all the time (there's a lot of random stuff in there that I bought on a whim and that, frankly, doesn't really suit me anymore).

Working on...
Trying to write more. Also trying to balance a few other hobbies.

Thinking about...
My taxes. Exciting, I know.

Anticipating...
A semi-spontaneous jaunt to Mexico for a couple days. I'm hoping the beach and some sun will help with a few things, mainly my head.

Listening to...
Whatever is shuffling through my broken (the screen display has been out for some time now) ipod and Kurt Vile.


Eating...
Coffee. I'm not a big eater before noon, which is when my appetite starts to kick in. Once it does kick in I'm sure I'll find myself with a bowl of soup (I freaking LOVE soup).

Wishing...
For a lot less split ends, a lot more cash flow, less of an achy back/legs/feet (I'm on them A LOT) and for the weather we've been having lately NOT to end.


You can join in here.