Easter 2012

It's hard to log into Blogger and see all the wonderful pictures of families. Families celebrating Easter, children with eggs clasped in their excited hands.

Nobody tells you that, when getting divorced, you split everything into two and one of you will periodically be stuck with the short end of the stick. Holidays are better spent with family and when yours is split, holidays take on a different shade. Grey with streams of light that sneak through your bedroom window antagonizing your eyes.

"Maybe next year..."

You begin to lose your enthusiasm for the dates that come pre-marked on your calendar. You superimpose your own meaning on days where everybody else is busily trudging away through the daily tasks of life. This makes you creative. But not creative enough to escape the inevitable twinge of melancholy that finds you at 2 p.m., still clad in your pajamas, drinking vodka sodas and watching movies on TV. Because what else do you do when you know you've lost another round of Happy Normalcy?

You go to bed early, you distract yourself with other things, you wake up and wonder if Jack will like jelly beans on Friday the 13th instead.

Dear Jack

I feel like it's been awhile since I've written one of these. It's not that I've forgotten but mostly it's a lack of words that match what's going on in my head. The dots do not connect, the lines are colored outside of- this seems to be the theme of things lately. We recently celebrated our first Halloween, just you and me. You were Ang from Avatar, which seems to be your favorite show as of late (I miss the Yo Gabba Gabba days. Can we go back to the Yo Gabba Gabba days?). I didn't dress up. It seemed like a challenge to take on another persona when it feels like I have so many to juggle lately. I only wanted to be one thing for the evening anyway- your mother. I've only ever wanted to be your mother, even when I didn't know it.
Things are crazy right now little prince. They are hard and more than anything I want to say "I'm sorry" for all of this. For the split times and different houses. It must all seem weird and I feel it too. I want to give you more and when I'm working with half of more it's difficult to not feel like I made a mistake somewhere. Gambled too hard, leaped before looking. Some would say I've done this before and I have.

And then there was you, and now I gamble in a different way.

I will continue to put it all on the line, fall from heights unknown- for you. And right now even though this all seems like a pain in the ass, fruitless; one day I will be able to look at you and know I did the right thing.

I wish the world was as it was explained to us when I was your age. A tender fairytale where all dragons are slayed and a happily ever after is promised for all. I will be the first to tell you that this is not how it works. It is much more complex, more nuanced, harder to swallow. But in the end real life is better-




Because this is real. And this is worth fighting for, even if the battle is of my own doing.

Eventually little prince, this will all make sense. Eventually you'll know what living true to oneself feels like and I hope you'll understand where I'm coming from.

I love you more than you can fathom.

-Mom



(This song is actually a little piece of why I named you Jack).

Because typing it all out feels like a handful of sand...

Greg and I will be divorcing.




It was a decision we both made for the better (odd to say something so bad is for the better, but it is, for us). I was going to write about it all but it's hard to put out there properly.

We will remain friends. We will still raise Jack together. I'll probably still laugh at him when he records movie ideas into his Droid and I still ask for his opinion sometimes because I respect the hell out of the man, the father of my child.

I wanted to post about it here because it will be a massive change and I'm sure getting used to my life as a single mother will be odd, but that's just it...it is life. Life will move forward; change shapes, ideas, plans, people. And as always, I'll continue to write about it. It's the only way I know.