Lately

Reveling in the weather.


Working on burlesque again.



Loving dresses you can live in.


Organizing and decorating all at once.


Finding that cats make good photo subjects.


Mother-son walks to our favorite local haunts.




Saying goodbye to bartender friends.


Saying hello to this face.


Looking up.

Phone Blogging (image heavy)

Usually when I get lazy on the blog I tend to compensate with taking pictures of stuff with my phone. I think it started as a sort of "oh, a picture is worth a thousand words. Surely this must inspire SOMETHING later!" But mostly it just turned into "meh, these are okay placeholders because I'm too fucking tired/laundry needs to be done/busting my ass/adapting. So here's some pictures because I'm tired/need to give myself a pedicure in a bad way/drinking wine and, you know, getting progressively into THAT.

Three times a day...


A Thanksgiving project Jack and Greg worked on. They had to make a turkey out of random things found at home. It appears they got good use out of their backyard (I particularly love the teeny twig legs).


Colleen made some mulled wine for our Thanksliving feast and it made the house smell amazing!


I try not to play favorites with the cats in the house because they're all sweet in their own ways, but Stella. STELLA! STELL-UHH-AAAAHH! Ohhh STELLA!...I'm sorry. Anyway, Stella sort of bewitches me the most. She is a little lovebug, hippie child, camera whore under a tabby coat. Sometimes she's capable of breaking a bad mood just by bumping her forehead to mine and purring which she seems to know how to do at the exact moment I need it. I love her.


Sometimes you just need some leftover Chinese food, hard cider and a beloved '80s movie.


Visiting a local bakery...



..to pick up some cookies before decorating the Christmas tree (those little leaf shaped ones were pistachio flavored with a little chocolate in the middle and they were amazing).

We took a tour of some urban chicken coops in our area. Kinda cool to see people cultivating things naturally while still being in the heart of the city.



Jack showing off his chicken button he got before the tour (and my sunglasses which he pretty much made his own about six months ago. He kind of reminds of Kurt Cobain when he wears them.)


The red is almost all gone. Back to the brunette roots I go.


DELISH!


There is a light that never goes out...


Aaand now it's time for this-


Hope you're all having a wonderful weekend (this is the first one I've had off in about oh...six, seven-ish months, courtesy of a very recent job change).

Decay

Almost as soon as I collected my baggage after landing back in Tucson an odd sort of melancholy set in. I suspected it was normal.

"You just came back from the first vacation you've had in years, from a city you've always loved. This is normal." I kept telling myself this but after a week it began to sound a tad...pathetic.

I've lived in Tucson for over eighteen years, Arizona my entire life. It took half that time for my heart to fully embrace it instead of daydreaming about the Greyhound busses that would take me away to a more glamorous city like some cheesy '80s movie. Eventually those busses just looked dirty and I grew wise enough to know that those "dreams" were impractical (how would someone with zero dance training make it as a Broadway actress in New York City at 17) and my roots started to drop. I found the spots in this city that felt like home and eventually I (tried) to make my own. Until I didn't.

When I got pregnant and eventually married, Greg and I had moved to the north side of Tucson. While I found myself in a new world of motherhood and partnership, the world that I left behind moved on, and quickly. Fast forward to now and one marriage ended, life changing, self reinventing back in the place I had once found comfort in before and- I feel lost.

When I got on that plane to go to Seattle it felt like I was flying into a new version of myself.

"This is it. You are on your own."

Feeling new in a new city was a solid form of symbolism and it felt right. When I got back and felt lost in a city that should have felt like home, a sort of personal crisis set in. Who am I? What am I doing here? What's next?

And then a revelation set in right in time with our annual All Souls Procession that rocked me so hard with symbolism and poignancy that all I've wanted to do this week is lay in bed and cry. It happened when I took a walk in my new-old neighborhood, on a perfect Fall afternoon- a couple years ago Jack was learning how to walk on these sidewalks. A couple years ago we took a chance on each other with hope in our hearts and good intentions. A couple years ago I had a family to visit on Sundays and dinners to make for faces familiar. A couple years ago I didn't imagine myself on these sidewalks alone.

My home has become a graveyard of memories. Nostalgia biting me in the heels just as soon as I start feeling confident again, pointing out the things that are no longer and the feelings that came with them.

And so, I'm trying to learn how to love my city again in a new way. Even with the memories that go bump in the night and sidewalks that hold ghosts underneath, good and bad.

A couple nights ago the streets downtown were filled with people remembering the lives of loved ones lost, celebrating lives all around; faces painted like sugar skulls and sage burning in the air, they marched along to music and memories. For the first time since I got back I felt like I was in the right place.

I guess I'm back home, or at least as much as my heart will allow for these days.

Hate (and guns) Kills People

Saturday afternoon as I was cooking up the usual potatoes o' brien, I received a text of a disconcerting sort-

"Gabrielle Giffords was shot in the head at Safeway on Ina and Oracle."

I stopped cooking, why bother, my appetite had instantly vanished. I went to my computer and looked for the news, for more information on how, why, this had happened, and in my backyard no less.

I learned that a young male, a male my age, had went up to Giffords and shot her in the head, point blank. I learned that after that he went on to fire rounds off at random people, killing several and among them a nine year old girl. A girl who had nothing to do with the hate in this mans heart. A girl who had probably anticipated many more Saturday afternoons. I learned the male was mentally unbalanced and had likely acted on hate fueled by the mouths of people in the press, in politics that toss it around so casually.

I never learned WHY something like this would happen. WHY somebody would act out in such a way that would force the life out of others in an act of pure hatred. WHY we've become a nation that uses violent banter as a means of communication. WHY we've allowed guns in our grocery stores while we tie up our dogs outside.

My mind is still spinning. Still trying to catch up with information while trying to solve the unanswered questions. Trying to fathom even though the act has been done, the funeral arrangements made, the IV's and prayers of broken hearted Tucsonans doing their best to make sure Giffords can one day see how much we care for her, need her.

I'm scared for humanity. That's all I keep coming back to. I'm scared of the hate that has consumed so many for so little purpose. Should we all be watching our backs? Checking for monsters under our beds in a country that says it's free?

We aren't free. Not as long as things like this happen. Not as long as hateful rhetoric continues to infect and damage. Not when other peoples freedoms are taken away in mere moments, in violence.

I'm not a religious person but I find myself praying, lighting candles, hoping. Hoping. Hoping...

For Giffords. For the lives lost Saturday afternoon. And for all of us.

Resolutions and links and thanks, oh my!

After my post yesterday and after your lovely, supportive comments I've decided to "go for it." Sometimes even when the urge is great inside me it still takes somebody saying "DO IT YOU FOOL" to get me going. Perhaps it was all those years on the swim team. Standing on that springboard, legs quaking underneath me with the anticipation and nervousness that accompanied every race. Shoulders becoming limp while my back became a piano string and then BOOM and cold and my heart beat pulsing out of my ears and then...blankness, serenity. Free. It's been a long time since any sort of organized athleticism but I won't let it be long when it comes to my poetic aspirations. So thank you for hitting the buzzer and setting me loose.

That being said, I decided I'd take on a little challenge. Awhile back I was given free reign at Barnes and Noble for Mother's Day. I picked up a couple books and movies and among them this. I am going to read through it and educate myself more. It's a pretty thick book but I'm excited. I may even start a segment where I post my favorite poem of the week along with what I may or may not be working on.

So there's that.

Since it's Friday I guess I'll pour some links on this-
An adorable clutch.
I'm kind of getting in the Christmas mood after seeing all of these.
Thinking about getting this for under our dining room table. And I do like this for the living room.
Prints for owl lovers and kids rooms.
Passion Pit is making me perkier and perkier.
Still having fashion week withdrawals? Rebecca is doing a weekly Good Wear Days segment and giving away some ultra chic prizes for the winning participant. As if checking out what that amazing writer/fashion maven is wearing isn't prize enough. I'll be posting a few here and there when I can find the time and outfits for it. You should too!

And that's all I've got for now. This Sunday I'm attending Tucson's annual All Souls Procession and am super excited for the event. Hopefully I'll get some decent pictures to post later.

Have a happy Friday and a lovely weekend!

You're gonna make it after all

As I sit in my apartment staring at the trees rustle and shimmy in the wind, I can't help but use it as an easy metaphor. "Winds of change," I think. Color me cliche but it works, for nothing could be more true in the current juncture.
I've been struggling with the stay at home mom title I've adopted in the last two years (I'm gonna kill my guidance counselor*) and after much long and careful deliberation both out of frustration and financial necessity (we aren't sinking, but this isn't exactly a raft ride down the lazy river either) I decided to make a move, seek a change and starting soon I'll be going back to school to become an aesthetician. Since I've worked in a spa before and enjoyed it, along with the chance to set my own hours and not succumb to too much corporate strangulation I figured it to be a good choice. For the first time in a long time I can feel and electric buzz pulsating through my body out of excitement for change. For progress.
In enrolling for school I discovered I would need three letters of recommendation. When I first read the line I heard that voice in the back saying "who the hell would recommend you? You really think you're the type of person worthy of recommendation?" I've long felt internal feeling of inadequacy. Though at times I may masquerade them in witty say-isms or well applied make-up they still reside somewhere in my skull. Only until recently and through guidance and help have I started taking measures to abandon that voice, kick it to the curb if you will.
Change.
I wrote a message to my old coworkers from that spa asking them if they would write those desired three letters. Within the hour all three of them answered with a yes. And more then that they answered with support, encouragement and open arms. Even as I type this I find myself fighting back tears of gratitude, of the beauty of kindness in people.
Also semi-recently, two wonderful ladies in our beloved Tucson have been dealing with the moving of their store. Not too long ago corporate fat cats decided to buy out a prime section of our Congress street. A street that for 2 years had been a home for Preen and other cherished local businesses. It was a big smack in the face for many locals and owners when we realized that many of those store would no longer be there by next year, moved to make room for carbon copy sports bars, gentrification to "help promote downtown culture" while simultaneously stripping it away.
Then I saw this-

*art by Adam Cooper-Terran

And my heart jumped for the second time today. Preen will prevail. Erin and Emilie will continue to give downtown Tucson style and a "mom n' pop" shop that just won't quit. I'm so proud of them for it. The new location will be just as fabulous as the former I'm sure, if not doubly for the character the store has developed in it's attitude of "hit me with your best shot!" They moved, but they did not falter.

Change is happening all around. Beyond this post I have friends in relationships progressing, in new career ventures, some are leaving Tucson and some are staying, simply making it a little brighter. But nevertheless, change. Progress. And I think 2010 may be a good year.



*Not really, my guidance counselor was a great woman.

Places That I've Come to Love the Most

I've realized recently that my love/hate relationship with Tucson has swayed more to the love side. While I'm not a fan of the heat that makes me see spots when I come inside from throwing out my garbage in the summer, everything else is usually dandy. I've lived here for a little over 16 years now (I was born in Phoenix and resided there until I was about 6 and I'm never going back due to the traffic and mindset that it absolutely must turn itself into a more materialistic L.A.). There is something about Tucson that grabs you. It could be our sunsets or the sense of community, it could be the Sonoran hotdogs or odd wildlife, it could be that fact that the entire city kind of feels like one giant oxymoron. Whatever it is, I've grown to hold it dear. So I've decided to introduce a new segment to this blog called "The Places That I've Come to Love the Most" where I'll showcase some of my favorite spots and maybe give you a story or two of each.

First Up- Epic Cafe.



I've been popping into Epic every now and then since I've been old enough to walk around downtown sans parents. It has an atmosphere that screams "yes, finish that chapter of your book and eat me!" Yes, "EAT ME" would be an appropriate slogan for this corner cafe because while there are foods that soothe the soul there is a sense of anarchy in their coffee, in the baker in the back with the sleeves of tattoo's and dreads and the punk lifer eating quiche to your left. They showcase local artists every month from art display's to open mic nights, offer some amazing vegan cuisine and the in-house baked desserts deserve a shrine in their honor. I can still recall the blissful feeling that came over me when tasting a forkful of pistachio mousse pie. It was better than my epidural.
It gives people watchers a sanctuary and a place to read the Tucson Weekly. Even their bathrooms deserve a quick looksie-



If you're interested in Epic take a gander at their website- http://www.epic-cafe.com/