The Fetus Made Me Do It

It's come to my attention that there are quite a few ladies of the blogosphere who are currently with child. Reading about the food cravings and aversions, the sonograms and moodiness have made me think about my own pregnancy. So! For fun I decided to write down all my pregnancy weirdness.

For starters, I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was almost three months along. I had irregular periods for years (sometimes even going so much as six months without one) so when mine didn't show up I figured "meh, I guess it's all off schedule again." I had just moved in with Greg and we were enjoying the freedoms of co-habitation. Basically, I was drinking rum and cokes every night, staying up late, eating more Chinese food than one really should, smoking, etc. My habits weren't what one would call "admirable". Once I suddenly COULD NOT STAND "eewwwww get the fuck away from me" cigarettes, I knew something was off. I called one of my girlfriends at the time and told her about my weird new aversions and she did what any good friend would do-
"You need to take a pregnancy test you moron."
"Okay. Fine......fuck."
I told Greg what was up and we went to the store to pick up a pregnancy test. It took the test about four of the estimated thirty seconds to tell me the result of my months of carelessness. I was pregnant. SO pregnant in fact that the test practically laughed in my face. I probably could have held the thing under my arm like I was taking my temperature and it would've had the same result. I. was. knocked. UP.
Once we knew we went back to the store and picked up the necessities for a vegetarian pregnancy. Because when I go, I go all the way. Not only was I going to be a mother, I was going to be vegetarian! A healthy, glowing, animal meat-free, baby making vessel. That lasted a good couple months...
Here is how everything else went down:

Month 3-4
Food cravings- HAD to have tomato soup with a gigantic spoonful of cream cheese and pepper in it at least twice a day. Salads with so many toppings on it it negated the fact that it was a salad, Italian orangeblood soda, blueberry smoothies, Eegee's or as I've now taken to calling it- "The Tucson Pregnancy Test" (every girl I've known that's gotten pregnant suddenly NEEDS to have Eegee's at all hours, I was not an exception).
Aversions- Wakefulness. I was hit with fatigue so hard I pretty much lived in our bed from month 2-4.
Weird behaviors- A strong urge to watch Sex and the City re-runs. The ones where Miranda is pregnant. And our roomates dogs suddenly became my best friends, one of them taking on the role of guardian while Greg was at work. He would follow me from room to room and lay at my feet or watch me. When the other, a much too playful and gigantic Great Dane (who was still just a puppy) would try to accost me for mischief, guardian dog would herd her into another room and growl at her. I thought that dog trying to keep me safe was one of the sweetest things I'd ever seen.

Month 4-5
Food cravings- Hot Cheetos. Give the pregnant girl the hot cheetos and nobody gets hurt.
Aversions- None. This was the point where I was getting ready to eat EVERYTHING.
Weird behaviors- Being perma-horny. If you could get pregnant while still being pregnant I'd be Nadya Suleman right now.

Month 5-6
Food cravings- Sonoran hotdogs and sonoran hotdogs exclusively. By now my plans to be a glowing earth mama went out the window and I started my morph into Rosie O'Donnell. Don't know what a sonoran dog is? Check out this clip-

Before Adam Richman, I was at Guero Canelo every other day, elbow deep in about six doggies.
Aversions- Not eating.
Weird behaviors- Crying jags. I would cry a lot.

Month 6-7
See above.

Month 7-8
Food cravings- Coconut curry popcorn shrimp, egg drop soup, lo mein.
Aversions- Getting dressed, being asked "when are you due?"
Weird behaviors- The NEED to smell chemicals. Plastic, gasoline and leather being my main scents. I would sniff the shower liner and steal Greg's wallet and just sit in bed and inhale the leather.

Month 8-9
Food Cravings- Hamburgers, anything horrible for my waistline/health.
Aversions- Everybody.
Weird behaviors- Incessant cleaning...and the biting off of heads if things weren't clean enough! The night before I started going into labor I began scrubbing the carpet while simultaneously yelling at Greg for having his shoes on in the house and smudging (imaginary) dirt around.



What were your crazy pregnancy habits, cravings, loves?

That one time I had a Joanie rack...

Awhile back I found a picture my camera must have been holding in it's memory card and when I saw it I had to laugh and reminisce. And post it on my blog for all posterity.

I've always been on the smaller scale when it comes to boobage. I watched all my friends fill out bras and all the other girls get asked out and there I was rocking a 38A and then, eventually, a 34B. So I relied a lot on humor and wit to get me through high school dating. When I got pregnant the first thing that reacted were my breasts. And it wasn't until I saw this pic that I remembered just how much so-


Christmas Eve '07 (with my in-laws). I was almost 7 months here. Notice the fact that my collarbone and my boobs have started to move in together.

And that was the time when I got to know how Joan Holloway feels.

Positives and Negatives

I had been a giant ball of emotions all weekend. Most if them in the depressive/pessimistic realm. Following these were brief bouts of normalcy only to be blindsided by a breakdown in the car on the way home from Target when Greg mentioned that I had a few moments where I reminded him of Michael on "The Office." On Friday I thought it could be an extreme case of PMS, only I was due to have a period about two weeks ago (I did have some spotting and ohmygodIcan'tbelieveI'mgoingintothesedetailsonmyblog). It wasn't until Sunday afternoon when we were watching an episode of Dexter where he knocks up his girlfriend that I nudged Greg and said "I think we need to pick up a pee-stick later."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Did you see that jar of pickles we JUST bought this morning? There are two left. And unless I magically hit a growth spurt in my boobs, I just...We need to pick up a damn stick."
I have an IUD. But like any female, the second my hormones even resemble that of a pregnant womans I freak out, throw logic out the window and immediately think "fuck, I'm having baby." I googled "pregnancy with an IUD" and got conflicting messages. It seemed that although one person hasn't ever gotten pregnant on one they DID know a distant aunt who had. Such is the internet.
Jack handed me his shoes to say "hey crazy could-be-pregnant lady, lets go to the park." And no idea in the history of ideas could have been better. I needed to get away from the house. I needed to get away from WebMD and t.v. shows with pregnant girlfriends and wives and the jar of pickles with only two future casualties floating in it's delightful pickle-y juice.
Greg pushed Jack in the swing and I sat in the sand and drew spirals with broken sticks. We discussed "what could happen" while Jack obliviously swung higher to meet the clouds. "Why are things so cloudy right now."
Although we knew if I was indeed pregnant, we'd push through and make it, it still wasn't desired. We're not drowning but we're not where we'd ideally like to be financially and a baby would be a huge weight. And more than that, we're happy with just us. Greg and I and Jack. I remember when we brought home the two-day puppy I immediately felt guilty as I held it in my lap and cooed over it while Jack sat in his carseat on the way home. I felt like I betrayed him by giving my attention and affection to another thing that wasn't him. And if that was just a puppy, I couldn't imagine another child. THIS IS WHY I HAVE THE DAMN IUD IN THE FIRST PLACE!
We stopped at Wal-Green's on the way home. Greg asked what kind of test I wanted before running in to pick it up for me (I love this man). When we got home I shunned the package until GREG had to know. I did the deed and a minute passed before I saw a relieving negative.
I smiled like the Cheshire Cat and went on a cleaning frenzy (I do this in times of celebration AND despair...don't ask). Before I turned on the vacuum Greg, holding Jack in his lap, said "well, it wouldn't be such a bad thing..."
And I knew I had married the right person. A person that picks up pregnancy tests for you and doesn't care if you eat all the pickles or don't bother to shave your legs for more than two (okay three) days. A person that pushes your son in the swings and takes the pizza out of the oven because you're chicken-shit about getting burned and puts red socks on your sons feet even if it doesn't match his light blue shorts. A person who says "it'll be okay" when you find out you're pregnant for the first time on accident and three years later still wouldn't mind.
There is a negative pregnancy test in my bathroom wastebasket. Yet all around me are positives.