I'm a big 'ol failure. My 30 Day Dare project went totally MIA and I've been beating myself up about it on the regular. But the truth is, it failed for a reason. It was stupid. It's kinda dumb for me to saddle myself with tasks that in the long run only merely amount to "hey, I did this for a month!" I took my perpetual need for change and turned it into a goal instead of a lifestyle. I lucked out in choosing going vegan for a month because it turned out to be truly enlightening and did actually effect me for the better, so it wasn't a complete bomb. But I sat down with my thinking cap and got to writing down what I feel will TRULY help me.
Cut The Fat: Ideas For The Betterment Of Your Shit * Come up with a monthly meal plan. Don't be afraid to experiment. * Put together fourteen outfits you LOVE. Mix and match, make them transitional, take pictures to remember if you have to. What's the point in wearing clothes you only feel lukewarm about? Donate the rest. * Weed out the music on your Ipod/Itunes/whathaveyou. I collect A LOT of music and sometimes I do grow out of it, download random things without REALLY listening, etc. If it doesn't make me feel sublime or inspire me than it doesn't belong there anymore. *Make more plans with people you can't live without/haven't seen in a long time/inspire or ground you. *Read more books, less internet. Remember how that felt? *Find new places for (cheap) thrills.
I can start on those first. And I'm playing for keeps, not just thirty days.
Happy New Year to you all. I hope it was an eventful night for everyone whether that means cuddling with your family or getting gussied up and taking on the town. I fell asleep at 11 because I'm a big ol' baby who loves sleep too much. Seriously, Dreamland is the only place where I can own baby tigers, get down with Don Draper and go to the bathroom without somebody bothering me. In Dreamland, all things are possible...
I'm sorry, I spaced out.
Anyway! I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed and hit the gym where I ran 2.5 miles. Not too shabby considering I haven't really ran since shortly after Jack was born (I would jog here and there as soon as I could after the c-section) and if my P.E. teacher were giving me marks for my last two years of physical activities she would have said something like- "D+. Your toddler really isn't your personal trainer." And I would have ditched class and smoked cigarettes with dudes in Che shirts behind the school. If we're being real here. I guess what I'm trying to say here in my endorphin laden haze is I'm feeling good and ready to start my first "30 Day Dare" (I guess that's what I'm going to call it).
This month I'll be going vegan.
I think I'm going to do it in increments. The first week of the challenge is what I'll be calling Veganism for Dummies. This will include simple foods and ways to prepare them so it isn't such a shock. And week by week I'll be upping the ante and getting more creative.
We're going to the store today (if it's open, I picked the worst day to start it seems with these holiday hours) and will be stocking up. I'll be back here with my first meal and a video hopefully.
I'm going to add some guest appearances and recipes from my friend Colleen who is for all intents and purposes my Obi-Wan Kenobi on this journey.
Colleen and I. This drink- totally vegan! Pardon my lack of makeup.
Yesterday I joined a friend in utilizing a 7-day pass to Bally Total Fitness and we took a Zumba class. If you aren't familiar with Zumba take latin dancing, through some cocaine on it, lots of hip and leg movements, tribal dancing and masochism. It looks like this, except our instructor was faster (if I recall correctly she said she had been doing it for 12 years and was in the Air Force), harder and maybe a dominatrix on her off time.
My body is giving me a talking to this morning but I'm glad I did it. They say an hour of Zumba burns about 500 calories, but that didn't really matter to me since I had already negated that by drinking a grande green tea Frappuccino prior to the class.
I digress.
The thing about the class though, is that it made me think about making some resolutions. And I figured since I'm here a lot I could stick to them better. Hopefully.
So here they are- Amanda's List Of Resolutions
1. Not feel like I'm torturing myself when I take a Zumba class. Which is to say- exercise more. Last night was more of a wake up call as to how out of shape I am. It was embarrassing and I want to change that. 2. Drink about 50x more water than I do now. It's really a no brainer. I've been getting better at it by just not buying soda or juices but occasionally I slip and go on a Hansen's Mandarin Lime bender. It's really unfortunate to watch my husband see me slip into a sugary spiral of empty calorie consumption. 3. Start collecting for my store! This one will be fun, but it means that what I'd usually spend on treats for myself will have to go to the store. But I think it will be worth it. 4. Take the blogging to a whole new level. I'm perpetually inspired by so many blogs and there's really no reason I can't fulfill my own desires to have my own unique place in the blogosphere. This means sitting down with one of my computer savvy friends and creating Lullabies To Terrorize 2.0. Set your VCRs to "stun". 5. Call and write people more often. I'm kind of embarrassed about how much I rely on technology to keep in touch with loved ones and friends. Sure I keep in touch but it feels more superficial. I want to pour my heart into everything more. I think the results will be better and my life will feel richer for it. 6. Submit an opinion piece to the Tucson Weekly. People have been telling me I should do it for years but I've always been too...something. Meek, scared of rejection, unexperienced. No more. I'm perfectly adequate and I can only get better, so I need to start taking some leaps if I want to get anywhere. 7. Become a better cook. I know I could survive on spaghetti almost entirely but the world, and my family, think differently. And since they deserve the best, that means a more well rounded wifechef. 8. Take the clothes out of the dryer on time. The dryer isn't an expensive laundry basket where you pick out shirts as needed, Amanda. Realize this now! 9. Try to communicate more effectively with Greg. At best we are on the same wavelength about 75% of the time. At worst we are oil and water with fire on top, fire usually fueled by my temper/tone (I'm usually very soft spoken and consequently I haven't quite learned how to use an assertive tone without it sounding angry and combative, it's always one extreme or the other so I need to work on that). 10. Find Devendra Banhart. Marry him. I already got clearance on that from Greg (even he has a dude crush on him I think, or appreciation, I don't know what you'd call it in dudes terms). 11. Ease up on the coffee. 12. ....Nevermind. I think I'm going to need coffee to deal with a lot of these. 13. Bust out the camera more. 14. Bust a move more. 15. Put more in savings. 16. Pet more animals. It really is calming. 17. Have more jam sesh's with Jack. 18. Use more patience. 19. Use less salt. 20. Smile more at strangers.
I think this is a good start. I'm usually not a resolutions maker but I felt I should break out of the box this year, which is really what this whole list amounts to anyway. Breaking out of my self-imposed comfort zone and shaking it up more. Not expecting results with minimal effort and actually making efforts. Great efforts. Looking for goals instead of waiting for them to find me. Being less pessimistic because lets face it, I've done it for 23 years and it hasn't really done too much for me other than providing bitter punchlines.
"Lets fuck it up boys/lets make some noise."
I hope you all find yourselves in a New Year of prosperity, whatever that means to you. In relationships, in creativity, in family or jobs. I wish you all the love and happiness in the world. Goodbye 2010. It was nice knowing you.
So. I got a random idea for the ol' blogstead that either derived out of one too many glasses of Christmas pinot or one too many hours of boredom (what the hell did I do before my time was consumed by my sons Pacman-like time suckage?!) or maybe a dastardly combination of the two but here it is-
I want to start a 30 Day Challenge every month. Something new, something different, all documented here every painstaking inch of the way. I've come up with three ideas thus far-
Month 1- 30 Days Vegan- Because I've always wanted to and I have a lot of moral support and knowledge (my friend Colleen has made the venture into full fledged veganism months ago and has a library of books and knowledge and I'll be interviewing her and including videos) to help me along. Month 2- 30 Days Running- Because I've never quite been a runner but I've also never quite been as unhappy with where my exercise has gone these days (hint- down the shitter). Month 3- 30 Days of Sexercise- This one I am most interested in because I actually think it may be the hardest. Pun unavoidable. I think it will open us up as a couple in communication and intimacy and I'd like to include interviews about the progress of that challenge as well.
Those are the first 3 that I came up with and I think it's a good start. All of these will be challenging and hopefully interesting for those of you who come with me on the journey.
Please don't sue me Morgan Spurlock. I swear I didn't try to rip off your idea. Plus all you'd get out of us is a collection of Wes Anderson movies, a decent couch and a lifetime of harassment from an obviously odd woman.
Anyway, I hope it works out well. I'm thinking about starting up come January and I'm kinda jazzed.
Now, any recommendations for the next months?
*Also, this blog isn't going to turn into a 30 Day Challenge only blog. I'd still be posting the usual musings along with whatever challenge is that month.
This weekend I watched from the back of our Centennial Hall as one of my dear friends graduated. The procession played and suddenly I felt myself getting a little emotional. It shocked me a little bit and I tried to brush it off as a mere spike in my menstrual cycle. But it wasn't. I always cry at things like this. Graduates with their square hats marching formally down the line. Brides greeting their grooms. Babies being placed on the chests of their mothers. No matter how often I think I've hardened myself to life and its cycles, think I've seen it all by now, I know it's all merely defense. Inside my heart is perpetually breaking and being filled back up. Stitched and kissed and overflowing. Waves and hurricanes.
Congratulations! Today is your day. You're off to Great Places! You're off and away!
I watched a class of students embark on something new. And I cried for the parent in myself and for my own parents that never got to see their daughter turn that tassel (well, a tassle that wasn't spirit glued to her breasts). I watched those caps and gowns and wondered where I would have fit in. If I would have made it had I truly believed in myself. Had I pushed hard enough or not gambled on a pipe dream. Spinned the bottle and kissed the unknown.
You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed. You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don't. Because, sometimes, you won't.
I cried because of all that potential. All of those people's dreams realized. For now. "There will be more, and they don't even know it" I thought to myself in the safe dark of the back row. And there will be. So much.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?
Whether you've clutched your diploma or a pregnancy test, the feelings are collectively the same. Fear, excitement, newness testing out your balance. Whether you roll the dice or play fair, take your time, we're all trying to get somewhere.
But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike, And I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.
And so, I cried for the unknown. The hope and the places you don't know you'll go. The unmarked paths and revised plans that everyone will be making, taking on. I cried for when the caps and gowns are taken off because with them will be an old shell and on their backs will be a new skin. Different and ready or unready. I cried because I was proud. Because I knew what it was like to be a proud mother and friend. A feeling I hope to feel more and more with time and a feeling I was glad to be let in on that afternoon in that theater hall with clapping hands and bellows of pride echoing from the mouths of families all filled with one thing- love.
"So... be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea, You're off the Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So...get on your way!"
Congrats Tyler*. I'm so excited for your journey.
*Yep, that's my friend in the picture. The picture is via The Arizona Daily Star. Already making headlines.
While Greg and I lazed about after another day of toddler rearing exhaustion, watching HGTV an idea hit me so clearly that I felt stupid for not truly thinking it through before.
I should open up an online vintage clothing/accessories/knick-knacks store.
I told Greg and his eyes widened like I'd found the answer to a hardcore algebra problem merely by doodling daisies. Why the hell hadn't I thought about it before?!
The truth is, I had. I just didn't take myself seriously enough to attempt to take the idea into fruition. I thought I was too naive. Too unskilled. But frankly, sometimes I need to tell myself to shut the fuck up. I need to start squashing any self-defeating teenage angst bullshit and take the reigns on my own destiny. Even if I fail, even if I fall flat on my face in front of everybody at least it wouldn't look as pathetic as sitting there whining, taking no action, atrophying.
For the longest time I've been boxed into this corner thinking that I'd never find a job/career/whathaveyou that I'd truly be passionate about. That would still allow me to feel free. I didn't go to college, I didn't have the money, the stability, more importantly I didn't have the drive. I wanted/want to be a writer or anything in a field involving writing and I thought voice was more important than technical skill so I blew off college for experience. I experienced my way into an unplanned pregnancy and while Greg flourished out of grad school and into a great job I stayed behind and cared for Jack. The gaps widened in my resume and suddenly I felt worthless. Not anymore.
It's going to take work. I didn't come into this idea thinking I'd just go off finding cool vintage dresses and la-di-da! I'm still going to have to find a job to cultivate a nest egg for inventory. I'm going to have to get better at HTML and webpages so I can create an online store. I'm going to have to get intimate with my local post office. And it'll probably be awhile before I see any reward for my efforts and time BUT this feeling...this hopefulness and optimism about the future that I hadn't really felt in awhile, well, that's kind of reward enough.
P.S.- I think I'm going to name the shop Margot's (yep, as in Tenenbaum). What do you think?
I've been undertaking a very large task that I'd like to attribute to temporary insanity. A friend of mine sent me a link on Facebook insisting that we must absolutely get our asses up to Seattle for the 2010 Burlycon. A convention of burlesque in one of my favorite cities? Sign me up! But wait...Seattle. Wouldn't that take, you know, air transport to get to? Yes. And convention tickets themselves, don't those cost money? Indeed. And aren't you currently jobless? You betcha. So how are you going to pull this off again?
But I'm done self defeating, if burlesque has taught me anything, it's been empowerment and I've DECIDED that I'll be going there in October. Tomorrow I'm dropping Jack off at my in-laws and pounding the pavement for jobs, applications in hand and maybe, maybe just a slight hint of cleavage because I fucking mean business...and because I'm pretty fascinated (as well as a few exclaiming friends) with my new post-birth control sweater babies. But that is neither here nor there...
I need to come up with about $1,000+ for round trip airfare for three (I'd be taking Jack and Greg) in about 3 1/2 months. It's gonna take some tears, some frustration, determination and some major wherewithal. It may also mean some lackluster blog posts, so I apologize if there's a lot more clothing/picture/doodad posts. Most of my energy will be going into this new endeavor, but I'm still going to try to make time for this one, as it is very dear to me. So, there you have it.
Currently my need to say "no" is being directed at this-
Urban Decay sent me a notice that their duo shadows are now $20. I heart Urban like no tomorrow. Their shadows pop and are of high quality, they don't test on animals and they actually last for a pretty long time.
Why must you taunt me UD.
Whhhhy!!!
You too Anthro! We can not keep seeing each other like this.
The woman of this posts title (if you haven't seen it before let me recap) wants to take a step up in her life and transform herself from a "spinster who will eventually be alone and eaten by dogs" into a woman with a quality boyfriend, good outlook and body sans 20 lbs. She documented all of this in her trusty diary. Well, I've decided to sort of use her idea. I'm not in need of a man, so the only part I can really feel Bridget on is the weight loss. And keeping track of it...on here.
I plan on shaping this shit up. I've been very negligent on my body's behalf. I've been eating far to much crap, exercising far too little, and becoming increasingly irritable and touchy at the fact that I'm avoiding jeans like the plague due to the dreaded "muffin top". So I've decided to nip this in the bud and shape up in time for our upcoming trip to Ixtapa Mexico, and maintain that into the horizon. I don't want to crash diet or swallow a tapeworm. I'm not into gimmicks or starvation. I'm going to do this the old fashioned way- eat less, exercise more.
So welcome to the newest segment of this blog- Operation Get My Skinny Jeans Back.
Starting off-
Height- 5'7'' Starting Weight- 140 lbs. (this is an estimate of the last time I weighed myself which may have been a couple weeks ago, I don't keep a scale in my house, all weighing will come in after visits to the in-laws as they have a scale). Goal Weight- 130-120 lbs. Targets- Arms (tone up), abs, ass, thighs. Weaknesses- Chipotle, Wendy's, baked goods, soda (specifically of the Pepsi variety), salty food, food in general. Strengths- I'm a good swimmer (I swam competitively for four years in high school) so I'll likely jump back into that as the heat rises. Supportive people around me. I've recently got into drinking lots of water (21 years to get to, but hey...they didn't build Rome in a day). Exercise Plans- Pilates, tons of ab targeted exercises, more cardio, less carbs (this will be tough since I'm a self proclaimed carb junkie, I could eat mountains of spaghetti a day if you let me), promote a more vegetarian lifestyle in myself, cook more vegetarian friendly meals.
This isn't turning into a weight loss blog. This is merely another aspect of my life which I plan on documenting so I can see change and have it motivate me. I'll be posting progression pictures when I get to them (hopefully starting tonight when the husband gets home as I suck at self photography). That is all!
- Decided what I was going to do with my life. For the next year anyway.
-Made new friends.
-Took a meditative breathing class that made me cry because I didn't realize how much I hold back, even just holding back breathing. I felt clearheaded and happy after, I will be perusing this more as a means of dealing with the anxiety/depression that can bog me down.
-Read three books -"All Families Are Psychotic" by Douglas Coupland -"The Virgin Suicides" by Jeffrey Eugenides -"Rage Against the Meshugenah" by Danny Evans
All three were great. Douglas Coupland, as usual, made me want to give up all other plans I made, buy a laptop and work on a book. "The Virgin Suicides" is probably one of the most beautifully written books I've read in a long time. It almost reads like a poem. I'm in the process of reading it a second time, just because it's so spellbinding. I HIGHLY recommend it. Danny Evan's memoir of battling depression was both honest and funny.
-Saw a couple great movies -Funny People (I was actually very surprised with this one. I kind of expected blatant comedy due the cast, but it actually dealt with a lot of emotion, relationship conundrums, and life questions and had a real life ending which is always a huge plus for me). - (500) Days of Summer. I admit I am very late on the bandwagon with this flick, but I did love it. I related a lot with both of the lead characters which is pretty rare, and it was a movie I put on my "Time to Buy" list. - Notorious. Which made me appreciate the Notorious BIG a lot more. I never thought I'd actually tear up during that movie, but alas, my motherhood weepiness got the best of me. - Taking Woodstock. I'm a bit mixed on this one, but it has Ang Lee's beautiful cinematography and Demetri Martin and hippies, so generally I dug it.
Finally saw Avatar after much prompting from everybody around us. It was pretty good, but Greg and I kept whispering to each other and stifling giggles because we watch Mystery Science Theater way too much. I also kept my glasses and am now using then as faux reading specs- Because I can.
- Jack became obsessed with the drums on our Guitar Hero-
-Decided for my 22nd birthday what I'll be doing for my next tattoo and I'm so excited I can't sit still.
Hints- Just counting down the days.
- Have started cooking more. It only took 21 years.
- Have been countlessly inspired, charmed and eager for more days in which to explore, grow and learn. A first in a long time. Breaking the stagnancy.
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