Lullabies To Terrorize

Four

2012-03-07T13:11:00.011-07:00

I sat on top of the parking garage on Park and Speedway and watched the sun blush until it tucked itself away for the evening. That was five years ago. I sat on top of that parking garage and watched the world, seemingly alone. I wasn't.
I went home and told your father that yes, yes we would try. We would allow the world I watched from several stories up flip upside down. We would keep the child, tucked away under my clothes, my doubts, my fear. You made us yours and hurling towards us, week by week, we could only hold hands and brace ourselves for the impact.

"Red rover, red rover, send the future over."

Four years ago I walked around the hospital grounds, waiting for you to arrive. It was happening. The culmination of nine months and wondering. Nine months and worrying. Nine months and hoping that everything would be okay.

I blinked and you were born. I blinked and you were crawling, walking, running. You were one, two, three times my baby. But not anymore.

Today you are four.

You want to walk down the sidewalk on your own now. You want to uncover the stories in the dirt for yourself. I offer my hand, try to reel you back into my grasp, but you won't have it anymore. You are on your own mission.

"I can walk on my own. You trust me now."

I don't want to believe it. The notion that one day you'll walk on these sidewalks completely alone, without me to point out the colors in the early spring daisies. Without me to say "we're almost there."

You reassure me now. You hold my hand only when you feel I need it. And much like that summer evening I spent staring off into that pink horizon, unsure of the unknown, somewhere deep down I knew it would be okay. You knew.

I trust you now. We're almost there.

Happy Birthday, little prince.

Lately

2012-02-21T12:38:00.011-07:00

Reveling in the weather.

Working on burlesque again.

Loving dresses you can live in.

Organizing and decorating all at once.

Finding that cats make good photo subjects.

Mother-son walks to our favorite local haunts.

Saying goodbye to bartender friends.

Saying hello to this face.

Looking up.

Restless

2012-02-15T23:57:00.004-07:00

I've been having a hard time falling asleep lately. Some people think it is the result of the caffeine I run through my body like it's the only form of liquid known to man. I know it's because my body is revolting against the times. These times. These times where I find myself in a dance that I follow mindlessly. Wake up, walk to work, coffee, work, eat, go home, open laptop, struggle, drink or don't drink due to the struggle, sleep.
It's been awhile since I've exercised more than the walks to work and the constant movement that my job generally brings. It is toil but it is not the type of exercise one does out of respect for their body. It is a wiriness built out of survivalism instead of a temple built out of discipline and love.
It's been awhile since I've eaten healthily. I have taken to preferring easiness and availability over nourishment. I am surprised it hasn't caught up with me yet, at least that I know of.
It's been awhile since I've danced. Since I've felt the cramping in my hands, placing threads through needles eyes and craft store diamonds on corsets. Moving my hips in unison with drum beats, letting lyrics allude to what's next.
It's been awhile since I've been on here.
I know the aforementioned is why I can't sleep. The stagnancy of what truly makes me thrive while the things I just "get through" dominate.
At least I've managed this. Perhaps this will buy me a few hours.

Happy Birthday, Arizona! Happy Singles Awareness Day, singles! Happy Valentine's Day, nobody!

2012-02-14T15:02:00.004-07:00

Here's a mix that managed to put together with the remaining shreds of love in my jaded old soul.

The Paper Mama Photo Challenge

2012-02-01T10:55:00.004-07:00

Oh, hi. Hello there. How are things? That's a lovely blouse.

I've been MIA for...longer than I would've liked. But, life. Sometimes it just tangles you up in it's own agenda too much. Between working, Jack, and trying to catch the proverbial tiger by it's toe, I let this blog fall by the wayside and it saddens me. I love writing. I love sharing words over the vast universe that is The Internet, and when I fail to do both I get a little down and out about it. A couple weeks ago I ran into one of my high school English teachers (in the bar I quasi-regularly frequent when the going gets tough and the tough need a strong vodka gimlet). She was my favorite of the four that I had. She made us read the best, most thought provoking, controversial books. She made us reach deeper in ourselves. She made me a better writer.
"Amanda Sierra?!"
"Yes. Yeah."
"Wow! Oh man, you were one of my best students. You were one hell of a writer! Are you still doing it?"
"Well, kind of. Maybe one day I will seriously, but for now I just keep a dorky ass blog."
"Let me know if you need any help. You've got to keep it up. You were amazing."
"You were!"

And then she had me sample her drink and my head spun with how surreal it was that I was sharing alcoholic beverages with somebody I looked up to/look up to. And when she wasn't looking, I cried a little bit. Her words hit me for some reason. They were so needed in these moments where I am reinventing myself and still trying to hang on to what matters.

This dorky blog matters, to me. I want to keep up with it more. I want to keep making myself search out for the words, for the moments.

Anyway (THAT was a longer intro then I meant to write but it's been awhile and the word vomit is happening so I'm just going to go for it)! The Paper Mama is doing a photo challenge that I figured I'd hop in on.

My Self Portrait and Info

(I may have mentioned before that all I'm rockin' these days is a cell phone camera with a Retro Camera app so...yeah).

Obsessing over...
Revamping my wardrobe on a teeny, tiny budget. I want a more cohesive closet with things that I can wear all the time (there's a lot of random stuff in there that I bought on a whim and that, frankly, doesn't really suit me anymore).

Working on...
Trying to write more. Also trying to balance a few other hobbies.

Thinking about...
My taxes. Exciting, I know.

Anticipating...
A semi-spontaneous jaunt to Mexico for a couple days. I'm hoping the beach and some sun will help with a few things, mainly my head.

Listening to...
Whatever is shuffling through my broken (the screen display has been out for some time now) ipod and Kurt Vile.

Eating...
Coffee. I'm not a big eater before noon, which is when my appetite starts to kick in. Once it does kick in I'm sure I'll find myself with a bowl of soup (I freaking LOVE soup).

Wishing...
For a lot less split ends, a lot more cash flow, less of an achy back/legs/feet (I'm on them A LOT) and for the weather we've been having lately NOT to end.

You can join in here.

Tales From The Crib*

2012-01-12T23:21:00.005-07:00

Colleen and I have polished off about three glasses each of the $9 champagne I purchased yesterday along with two giant Cup O' Noodles, a bunch of bananas, strawberries and pain relief pads. It was one of the most pathetic conveyor belt displays I've assembled in awhile.
We had watched two episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm and decided we needed something either crazy (something off of Bravo) or informative. We chose the middle ground of both options and decided on Taboo- Strange Love.
In this particular Taboo episode odd couples were showcased and among them a couple of dudes who's companions were silicon human-like dolls. And neither of them were Ryan Gosling in Lars and the Real Girl so naturally, we laughed. But what struck me in Colleen's observation was that ON TOP of both dudes being completely weird and obviously using these dolls as a sexual outlet due to the fact that they couldn't cultivate normal relationships with real women due to a myriad of social and mental bugaboos, she found it imperative to point out-

"And he can't apply her makeup for shit!"

Those poor, sad, silicone fucking men just can't get a break.

But she was right. Girls eyeshadow was beat.

* I may just start posting periodically on things around the house. Sharing a living space with two pretty cool, pretty funny people can lead to some stories.

Photo Challenge- Days 9-10

2012-01-11T15:54:00.008-07:00

Day 9- Routine-

Wake up, drink enough coffee to kill a small rodent, check my internet haunts.

Attempt to make myself presentable.

Put some clothes on my person.

Work

Day 10- Childhood-

I'd take a picture of day 11 (where you sleep), but I'm too lazy.

Photo Challenge- Days 7&8 + Music Monday

2012-01-09T12:49:00.005-07:00

Day 7-Favorite-

I wasn't really sure of what to post as my "favorite". There's quite a few ways to go with that. Favorite band (I can't play favorites in that realm)? Color (depends on the context- sweaters? mustard. Interior paint? turquoise. Most fun to say? chartreuse.)? Person (Jack, but since I figured I'd be posting plenty of him I gave the kid a break.)?

So my favorite jellybeans? Pear and buttered popcorn. Apparently I'm alone in this and apparently I'm "a weirdo" for mixing them together in a flavor combo that Jelly Belly won't even mix in the Mix Suggestions on the back of the box. If they DID put it on there the flavor combo would probably be called "The Bitch, You Crazy".

Also, I discovered my new favorite salad dressing-

This dressing. Dear sweet baby Jesus. I have upped my veggie intake tenfold due to dipping them in this dressing. Cucumbers dipped in it? Heaven.

Day 8- Your sky-

AND for Music Monday this week, a song I think is very lovely and that I may or may not have cried to. Twice.

Where The Wild Things Were

2012-01-06T16:00:00.005-07:00

Yesterday I brought you to a familiar place.

I put you in a bear onsie because it was cold outside and I liked the idea of a tiny human masquerading as a fierce beast. You crawled all over; boy of the great outdoors you've always been. Ready to spring forth and sharpen your claws on the world. Endlessly fascinated with everything around you. You are an explorer.

It gets harder for me to look back these days. To try and focus in on moments gone, memories that seem like houses in a dream that I just can't let myself back into, too afraid of what I'll find if I unlock the door.

We played in the leaves like we did before, you laughed like you did before. And, oddly enough, I didn't feel that usual ache of nostalgia. I think I've finally let go of it all, realized that it's better here, now. Living in the moment instead of trying to sneak peeks back into windows with the curtains drawn. It is easier to live this way, to seek out new adventures and make new memories. To be explorers.

We are beasts masquerading as tiny humans.

Photo Challenge- Day 6- Makes You Smile

2012-01-06T12:11:00.010-07:00

There are quite a few things that make me smile-

Postcards that remind me to do what I love...

Cheerful Christmas gifts...

Music, my headphones, and the world they create...

The sparkly vintage clutch I held under my arm to ring in a new year...

Jack pretending to be Zoolander during lunch...

Dressing Stella up like a babushka...

"In old country we no have hypo-allergenic, eco-friendly litter."

It's the little things.

Photo Challenge- Day 5- Something You Wore

2012-01-05T20:47:00.011-07:00

It is January in Tucson and today was one of the most lovely days I've had in awhile. Generally I'm more partial to overcasts and sweater weather (I AM only happy when it rains) but today we Tucsonans got a balmy 75 degree day with perfect skies and I adored it. Jack and I walked around our Main Gate Square all day, lunched on pizza, went to a candy store, fed chickadees pita bread and just lingered.

(I need smiling lessons ASAP)

Ricotta, chicken and jalapeno pizza and a cold glass of hard cider= one happy lunch.

I wore a dress from Buffalo Exchange, a boater's hat from Target, shoes from Urban Outfitters and locket I thrifted years ago and wear pretty regularly. But I wore something I didn't pull out of my closet...

Contentment. Happiness. I haven't been as content and happy as I was today in a long time.

Man Style Porn

2012-01-04T21:51:00.008-07:00

So it's Wednesday night. Jack has finally passed out after a day of errand running and frozen yogurt ingesting (I've been going through a hardcore frozen yogurt phase. I have a stamp card. That tenth cup free will be mine. And soon.). I've had a Red Bull for some inexplicable reason (or the only reason being I saw it in my fridge and said "fuck it, I love me some wings!"). I'm in a good place. And then I got on my favorite outlet for time suckage- Pinterest, typed in "dapper" and, well- you're welcome ladies...

You're welcome...

I need to take a cold shower and get back to what I was originally doing- waiting for the 5th season of Mad Men.

Photo Challenge- Day 4

2012-01-04T10:37:00.005-07:00

When I first looked at the list of subjects to be captured during the Photo Challenge, the first thought that went through my head was "cool!" And then the second thought was "what the fuck is a letterbox? Is it a more British way of saying 'mailbox'? Is it something that design heavy blogs know about, because in that case I'm screwed."

Turns out a letterbox is kind of a fancier way of saying "widescreen". If I were to use letterbox in a sentence it would be-

"Ugh, this damn movie is in LETTERBOX format?!"

I think it's also a method used in photography but since I use my phone as my camera lately I just got all jealous over proper cameras and my lack thereof and said "whatever, I'm just gonna pick out a movie still in widescreen, errr, LETTERBOX format and post it."

So here's A Couple Movie Stills I Picked Out On Pinterest To Knock This Category Of The Photo Challenge Out-

The Royal Tenenbaums holds a special place in my heart, but this scene is the most special from it. Now if you'll excuse me I need to listen to "Ruby Tuesday".

Photo Challenge- Days 1-3

2012-01-03T10:40:00.005-07:00

Me (hopeless at self-portraits)-

Breakfast-

I've never been a big breakfast person. I know it's "the most important meal of the day", but it's always kind of made me tired after eating it. Then coffee came into my life.

Something I Adore-

My roommates sent me a goofy postcard while on vacation. In most roommate situations you (or they) can't wait until you (or they) have the house to yourself (themselves), but we've been in contact to the point where it feels like they haven't been gone at all.

But first! Music Monday!

2012-01-02T10:52:00.003-07:00

This Monday's pick comes locally via mister Andrew Collberg. Collberg has been a local music fixture since seventeen (in fact, the first time I saw him was at the Red Room at our now closed Grill, when I was seventeen). Andrew plays every instrument one can fathom, is currently the go-to musician for about a dozen local bands and records in his bedroom studio. So it pleases me to post this video, knowing that he's come so far from being a seventeen year-old musical wunderkind who my ex-boyfriend got me to see by saying "he's kinda like Bob Dylan".

Kinda impressive Collberg, kinda impressive-

Andrew's site can be found here.

First Post Of 2012- First Challenge Underway

2012-01-02T10:22:00.002-07:00

Given that my writing muscle is sprained at the moment, I figured I'd do this! The idea I found on Pinterest originated over at Fat Mum Slim, and it looks like a few other people are joining it too. Are you?

So it turns out I'm a day behind but I'll catch up and if I miss a day or two I'll post all the photos together (today I need two). Hope to see yours!

2011- Moving on

2011-12-30T12:50:00.002-07:00

I posted a retrospective last week in a sort of last ditch effort to put something out. It feels like lately I just don't have the words and with blogging it's kind of your deal to have The Words.

I've had A Year.

This year I watched my baby grow into a child. I listened to him sing and take on the world, no longer peering behind me. I've had to learn when to let go and when to hang on, the push and the pull of parenthood. This year I came into myself a bit more as a mother.

This year I lost some people special to me. Some gone from this world on a whole, some simply gone from my zip code. I've felt alone, here and there. This has reminded me to cherish the people that are present, and to remain in the present.

This year I became single again. The tan line on my ring finger has blended in with the rest of my skin. In getting divorced it feels as though a large part of myself has died and is still waiting to be reborn. I'm hoping 2012 brings a little bit of that.

This year I've found a comfort in friendships and a gratitude for them that I cannot fully express.

This year I pulled myself out of a job I loathed and put myself into one that, so far, I love.

This year I survived. I adapted. Even when I thought I wouldn't, couldn't.

I'm looking forward to 2012 but I cannot say that 2011 was all pain and heartache. I am grateful for it, for making me more resilient and focusing my gaze.

Goodbye 2011, I'll send you a postcard.

A Retrospective

2011-12-20T12:34:00.003-07:00

Hopefully once the holiday season dies down I'll be able to resume writing more. For now however, I've decided to revisit some posts from the last year. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I've enjoyed writing them.

* Breaking up is hard to do.

* In the Jack Realm-
- Jack starts becoming his own person.
- He can find his own way in the dark...
- The Pre-K (K) Takes My Baby Away
- Dear Jack,
- Jack and the Beanstalk
- Dear Jack (II),

* A local tragedy strikes a chord.

* I still try and understand my place in the freakiest hood of all- motherhood.

* On being happy.

* Nobody likes you when you're twenty-threeeeee.

* My Birth Story

* A dear friend of mine becomes a first time father.

* My very first guest post.

* My wheels on the bus spin round and round, and round.

* I say goodbye to someone special.

* Trying to find a place that feels like home again.

And, of course, some of my favorite songs (since I missed yesterday's Music Monday post) that either accompanied a post or just plain rocked my world-

And there you have what the last year looked and sounded.

Sometimes blogging is a cheaper therapy

2011-12-18T19:43:00.004-07:00

I've been a bit absent on this blog. It seems like all I can muster is Music Monday posts since music seems to be the only thing that inspires me.

The last month or two have brought a lot of change. There's obviously the divorce, the holidays and then the starting of a new job. Sometimes I feel like I can barely keep up with anything anymore.

I'm tired.
I'm running on borrowed energy and the good will of a few very amazing people that have kept me going through this all.
I'm a bit depressed these days.

I'm also incredibly bitter underneath it all. Something that I've realized fully today after a phone call with my mother that left me unloading a bit of the past resentment on Colleen, who I luckily have to hear me out in my fits of frustration. I didn't realize it until afterward, when I went into my room and let out a sigh and a "I'm so angry". And I am.

When I was married, Greg's family pretty much adopted me as their own and I felt, for the first time, stable in a family. Thankful to be around such wonderful people and even though I felt like the stray, mangy dog they took in out of the kindness of their hearts, I had a place to call home. A home, something that was broken and problem fueled in my life before them.

And now I'm right back there. I feel alone and resentful that my own family doesn't quite get it. That little "cheer ups" or "it'll be okays", seem to suffice after YEARS of not really being there. I feel a bit sad that I feel closer and happier around people who aren't blood, who I'm not related to than people that have known me since I was born. I am thankful for those people, but when you think of your family and the first thought you conjure up is "I'd rather not get into it...", you can't help but feel like something is wrong.

And it is. Everything lately just feels wrong. There are good moments of course, but I feel adrift.

In the meantime I work, I try and be all that I can be for Jack, and I hope, with all my might, that this too shall pass.

Music Monday

2011-12-13T21:43:00.004-07:00

Edit- So apparently I spaced an entire day (I blame it on the shitty sleep I've been having) and posted this on Tuesday. Nice Amanda, reaaaall nice.

The fact that the post preceding this one is a Music Monday post is kind of a bummer since I woke up this morning with grand plans on updating and writing until I couldn't anymore. And then the endless rain and cold weather came and with it some warm pho soup and some cuddle time with Mister Jackobean. So the day wasn't a waste, but as far as this little blog goes it would seem so.

Anyway, to make up for it I've decided to post THREE videos. All of which I just can't stop listening to and accompany me every time I get ready for work lately.

1. This one is definitely worth watching. It's just cheerful and infectious.

2. I smell a new obsession (I had a hard time choosing this one over this one).

3. Just plain purdy...

Happy listening.

Music Monday

2011-12-05T16:51:00.004-07:00

Last week the roommates, Jack and I went to see The Muppets. Jack has just reached the age where taking him to the movies is totally doable and actually pretty fun. The pure wonder of it for him transfers over to me and I've found myself an enthusiastic movie goer again (I used to prefer renting and staying at home, and usually I do, but there are just times when it's better to make it a thing and go to the theater). The Muppets was a great flick but what made me truly love it was the moment Jack grabbed my hand and held it through this song-

I tried to not cry, who cries at a Muppets movie?! But resistance was futile; a connection was made. I hope he'll remember it as much as I will.

Phone Blogging (image heavy)

2011-12-03T21:44:00.018-07:00

Usually when I get lazy on the blog I tend to compensate with taking pictures of stuff with my phone. I think it started as a sort of "oh, a picture is worth a thousand words. Surely this must inspire SOMETHING later!" But mostly it just turned into "meh, these are okay placeholders because I'm too fucking tired/laundry needs to be done/busting my ass/adapting. So here's some pictures because I'm tired/need to give myself a pedicure in a bad way/drinking wine and, you know, getting progressively into THAT.

Three times a day...

A Thanksgiving project Jack and Greg worked on. They had to make a turkey out of random things found at home. It appears they got good use out of their backyard (I particularly love the teeny twig legs).

Colleen made some mulled wine for our Thanksliving feast and it made the house smell amazing!

I try not to play favorites with the cats in the house because they're all sweet in their own ways, but Stella. STELLA! STELL-UHH-AAAAHH! Ohhh STELLA!...I'm sorry. Anyway, Stella sort of bewitches me the most. She is a little lovebug, hippie child, camera whore under a tabby coat. Sometimes she's capable of breaking a bad mood just by bumping her forehead to mine and purring which she seems to know how to do at the exact moment I need it. I love her.

Sometimes you just need some leftover Chinese food, hard cider and a beloved '80s movie.

Visiting a local bakery...

..to pick up some cookies before decorating the Christmas tree (those little leaf shaped ones were pistachio flavored with a little chocolate in the middle and they were amazing).

We took a tour of some urban chicken coops in our area. Kinda cool to see people cultivating things naturally while still being in the heart of the city.

Jack showing off his chicken button he got before the tour (and my sunglasses which he pretty much made his own about six months ago. He kind of reminds of Kurt Cobain when he wears them.)

The red is almost all gone. Back to the brunette roots I go.

DELISH!

There is a light that never goes out...

Aaand now it's time for this-

Hope you're all having a wonderful weekend (this is the first one I've had off in about oh...six, seven-ish months, courtesy of a very recent job change).

Welcome to the maxi pad

2011-12-02T21:02:00.004-07:00

It had to happen eventually. A month ago my roommate Colleen and I jokingly told her boyfriend (my other roommate) that we'd sync up...period wise. And that, in effect, he. would. be. fuuuuucked.

And sure enough-

"You wanna know how I know it's happening? Because mine came a week early."

"Mine is pretty much on time."

"Mine is the submissive and your's is the dominant."

"You mean your period is "the bottom" and mine is "the giver"?

And then we laughed and bled in unison and danced with the devil in the pale moonlight.

Music Monday

2011-11-29T10:18:00.003-07:00

It may just be easier on me if I start organizing this blog a tad better. Having designated days for things sort of takes the pressure off, and there IS pressure, since I haven't been posting as diligently as I used to. Hopefully this works.
I originally incorporated music into my Friday Fondue link roundup, but I feel as if the music portion doesn't get it's due respect. Music is an integral part of my life. If I'm not sleeping, working or focusing on projects and quality time with Jack, I'm thinking about, listening, devouring music when I can find it. From local bands to vintage tunes and everything in-between, it is what keeps my world on its axis. So! Without further adieu, here is my first Music Monday* post.

I found this song a few nights ago when I was having some trouble falling asleep. I was restless and knew I had to be up early which caused a bit of frustration. Until this song. So lovely it was that instead of letting it simply play, I had to get up, fumble around for my headphones and plug myself into it, creating a cocoon of blankets and dreamlike guitar work. I've been listening to it a lot since then...

*Yes, I realize it is Tuesday. Yesterday was a bit preoccupied so blogging took a backburner. Music Monday will resume on it's designated Monday next week.

Friday Fondue (Limited Holy-Crap-I-Actually-Have-A-Friday-Off Edition)

2011-11-18T09:40:00.003-07:00

It's been awhile since I've done one of these posts and I was wary of doing another now that I'm working on a different computer (I currently use Colleen's MacBook and being a former Windows PC user I'm still getting the hang of things). But Pinterest I still browse* and music I still listen to, so I figured "why not?!"

*The more you know *insert rainbow*!

*Obsessed with awesome, pretty, swoon-worthy bathrooms lately (or maybe I just need a long soak in a bubble bath).

What would be on my Christmas wishlist? How about these babies-
* A plethora of adorable playsuits.
* Something that appeals to my gramophone fetish AND my i-tunes.
*Ummmm HER HAIR! Gahhhh gorgeous. I'm trying to resist running to the store for my trusty red dye.
* Always shoes, always.

* I adore Ryan's tales of his relationship with his lovely wife Cole. Such a hilarious and awesome couple.

* This Thanksgiving my roommates and I will be holding a vegan feast of friends before the actual holiday (Colleen has dubbed it "Thanksliving", yes, she is a vegan AND a punster). I'll be testing out my vegan cooking skills again by making vegan stuffing. I'll also be blogging the event, naturally.

Music Of The Week-
* I'm addicted to this song and it's video- "Jackson" by Stone Jack Jones.
* A cover of one of my favorite songs- "Heroes" covered by Magnetic Fields
* The always etherial Beach House with "I Don't Care For The Winter Sun".
* I never get sick of Bob- "Queen Jane Approximately" by Bob Dylan
* "Message To Pretty" by Love
* "The Radio's Hot Sun" by Handsome Furs

And a Happy Friday to you all!

*If you want to see what else I have pinned to walls, you can check me out on Pinterest here.

My Day In A Few Sentences

2011-11-16T13:45:00.005-07:00

He buried his head into my shoulder, hitting the tender part between the bone and the joint, the part I've worn thin from countless swim practices before him. It is all sweaters and fall weather outside and here we are on the couch watching the same movie for the third time. He is the only person in the world I would tolerate that from.

He wraps his arm around mine, a lazy smile evolves and...

"My mom is here."

And no moment in the history of moments, no words in the history of words has ever mattered so much.

If I could finish wiping the tears off of the surfaces that they fell on I could take him on the picnic I promised him.

Dear Jack

2011-11-09T10:25:00.007-07:00

I feel like it's been awhile since I've written one of these. It's not that I've forgotten but mostly it's a lack of words that match what's going on in my head. The dots do not connect, the lines are colored outside of- this seems to be the theme of things lately. We recently celebrated our first Halloween, just you and me. You were Ang from Avatar, which seems to be your favorite show as of late (I miss the Yo Gabba Gabba days. Can we go back to the Yo Gabba Gabba days?). I didn't dress up. It seemed like a challenge to take on another persona when it feels like I have so many to juggle lately. I only wanted to be one thing for the evening anyway- your mother. I've only ever wanted to be your mother, even when I didn't know it.
Things are crazy right now little prince. They are hard and more than anything I want to say "I'm sorry" for all of this. For the split times and different houses. It must all seem weird and I feel it too. I want to give you more and when I'm working with half of more it's difficult to not feel like I made a mistake somewhere. Gambled too hard, leaped before looking. Some would say I've done this before and I have.

And then there was you, and now I gamble in a different way.

I will continue to put it all on the line, fall from heights unknown- for you. And right now even though this all seems like a pain in the ass, fruitless; one day I will be able to look at you and know I did the right thing.

I wish the world was as it was explained to us when I was your age. A tender fairytale where all dragons are slayed and a happily ever after is promised for all. I will be the first to tell you that this is not how it works. It is much more complex, more nuanced, harder to swallow. But in the end real life is better-

Because this is real. And this is worth fighting for, even if the battle is of my own doing.

Eventually little prince, this will all make sense. Eventually you'll know what living true to oneself feels like and I hope you'll understand where I'm coming from.

I love you more than you can fathom.

-Mom

(This song is actually a little piece of why I named you Jack).

Decay

2011-11-08T10:20:00.004-07:00

Almost as soon as I collected my baggage after landing back in Tucson an odd sort of melancholy set in. I suspected it was normal.

"You just came back from the first vacation you've had in years, from a city you've always loved. This is normal." I kept telling myself this but after a week it began to sound a tad...pathetic.

I've lived in Tucson for over eighteen years, Arizona my entire life. It took half that time for my heart to fully embrace it instead of daydreaming about the Greyhound busses that would take me away to a more glamorous city like some cheesy '80s movie. Eventually those busses just looked dirty and I grew wise enough to know that those "dreams" were impractical (how would someone with zero dance training make it as a Broadway actress in New York City at 17) and my roots started to drop. I found the spots in this city that felt like home and eventually I (tried) to make my own. Until I didn't.

When I got pregnant and eventually married, Greg and I had moved to the north side of Tucson. While I found myself in a new world of motherhood and partnership, the world that I left behind moved on, and quickly. Fast forward to now and one marriage ended, life changing, self reinventing back in the place I had once found comfort in before and- I feel lost.

When I got on that plane to go to Seattle it felt like I was flying into a new version of myself.

"This is it. You are on your own."

Feeling new in a new city was a solid form of symbolism and it felt right. When I got back and felt lost in a city that should have felt like home, a sort of personal crisis set in. Who am I? What am I doing here? What's next?

And then a revelation set in right in time with our annual All Souls Procession that rocked me so hard with symbolism and poignancy that all I've wanted to do this week is lay in bed and cry. It happened when I took a walk in my new-old neighborhood, on a perfect Fall afternoon- a couple years ago Jack was learning how to walk on these sidewalks. A couple years ago we took a chance on each other with hope in our hearts and good intentions. A couple years ago I had a family to visit on Sundays and dinners to make for faces familiar. A couple years ago I didn't imagine myself on these sidewalks alone.

My home has become a graveyard of memories. Nostalgia biting me in the heels just as soon as I start feeling confident again, pointing out the things that are no longer and the feelings that came with them.

And so, I'm trying to learn how to love my city again in a new way. Even with the memories that go bump in the night and sidewalks that hold ghosts underneath, good and bad.

A couple nights ago the streets downtown were filled with people remembering the lives of loved ones lost, celebrating lives all around; faces painted like sugar skulls and sage burning in the air, they marched along to music and memories. For the first time since I got back I felt like I was in the right place.

I guess I'm back home, or at least as much as my heart will allow for these days.

A Bit Of Seattle

2011-10-25T20:17:00.007-07:00

Seattle was everything I hoped it would be and more. I can't even begin to describe the experience, although I will try...in another post entirely. But for now, here's some pictures I took with my cell as a placeholder.

"...she put her hands in the sky and left them there..."

Trees! This is a completely novel idea for an Arizonan.

Shameless Starbucks consumption before starting another day of classes.

A much needed sandwich (Ruebens tend to be my weapon of choice when I'm completely disregarding my knowledge of better eating choices. Still, it was delish!) after a long day of travel.

Being a complete dork (and wearing most of my Tucson winter wardrobe at once giving off a vibe I can only describe as Bag Lady Chic).

Some amazing pad see ew and pinot with the BFF on a rainy afternoon.

Bonus points if you can spot the Flight Of The Conchords decal!

A moment of peace and bliss in a super comfy bed with Seattles crisp air wafting through the room.

Before our dinner and burlesque date at The Pink Door (if you're visiting or already live in Seattle- GO! Amazing.)

Post Alley

My lovely companion in debauchery.

Some hilarious and hot sacrilege goin' on in the hospitality room. They served us angel food cake and wine.

Taking a (drunken) moment to be vain.

That's all for now! More to come...

High and Dry

2011-10-19T08:20:00.002-07:00

Just a quick update-

I apologize for the lack of blog on this blog. I'm kind of sort of getting settled into this new life and trying to recover my voice from all the change...only to keep changing.

Thursday morning I am heading up to Seattle for a burlesque convention with my BFF. I also happen to have family up there that I haven't seen in forever and miss dearly, so this trip is giving me something to look forward to these days and I'm hoping that the Pacific air will wake up a spot in my brain that's been being sucked dry.

Work has been getting better. As much as I hate it sometimes, I feel like I'm starting to become more confident in it and it gives me this eight hours of normalcy. Boring, frustrating normalcy that a person like me needs or I'll float away on this unrealistic bubble.

People say I'm just a dreamer. But I'm not the only one (I hope).

The blues of this new situation comes in waves, but for the most part it's a low tide. Nevertheless- sea change.

Tuesdays With Jack

2011-10-05T12:47:00.010-07:00

Fall Fashion Week- Wednesday

2011-09-28T10:40:00.006-07:00

A day late, a buck short...

But I guess better late than never, right? I wanted to really participate in Emery's fashion week but with the circumstances at hand it's been a tad...difficult. I managed to snap a couple haphazard pics while moving so...

*Pardon the general...undone-ness. My hair is off, I couldn't be bothered with makeup or the cropping of pictures.

Tank, belt and flats- Target
Maxi skirt- Buffalo Exchange

And as is my custom on these delightful fashion weeks-

If This Outfit Were A Song-

Check out all the other lovely ladies here-

Half/Half

2011-09-25T19:48:00.004-07:00

I have been off work for the last hour and a half. We have eaten and undressed into the final shreds of the evening. Pants have been thrown into the washing machine. Dishes await the pre-scrub and then the dishwasher. The carpet needs a vacumming.

Jack and I cuddled for about five minutes. A record for what has been far too long, but he needs his space. There is an entirely different person forming under the body that I refuse to accept as anything other than the infant that was pulled from my womb one temperate March morning. There are ideas and wills more powerful than his mother's embrace it seems. So I let him be.

It is starting to seep in though, the reality of my not being able pull him into my lap and talk about whales any time I please. I knew it was hitting the bone when, on the city bus, I spied on a boy Jack's age sitting in his mother's lap and I instantly started crying. I blamed it on hormones, after work fatigue, fluorescent lighting. I blamed it on what I could to whip the lion in the eyes that was roaring in my ears "this is real".

This is happening.

On Tuesday and Wednesday I will be packing up the same things I came into this relationship with; clothes, books, movies, toiletries and potential. I will be moving them in with my dear friend Colleen for the time being.

Greg and Jack will be moving into the new house he purchased. It's a beautiful home, saltillo tile and wooden beams on high ceilings, a backyard that Jack can romp around in. I'm glad they'll have it.

I've decided that I'm going to sign up for overtime at work once I move out. Since I won't be coming home to Jack every night I figure it's best to not come home at all. I will make money out of the silence and eventually I will have my own place to fill with noise again.

Out of all the painful logistics comes one silver lining- we are both living in truth now. Uncompromising truth in worn out, gutted shells. Bare bones ready to be built over again with pieces of who we really are and who we hope to someday be.

I expect this move will be cathartic. I expect that there will be times when I am weighed down by the "too much-ness" of it all. I expect that out of these ashes something will grow again.

It has to. We all do.

Because typing it all out feels like a handful of sand...

2011-09-20T08:08:00.007-07:00

Greg and I will be divorcing.

It was a decision we both made for the better (odd to say something so bad is for the better, but it is, for us). I was going to write about it all but it's hard to put out there properly.

We will remain friends. We will still raise Jack together. I'll probably still laugh at him when he records movie ideas into his Droid and I still ask for his opinion sometimes because I respect the hell out of the man, the father of my child.

I wanted to post about it here because it will be a massive change and I'm sure getting used to my life as a single mother will be odd, but that's just it...it is life. Life will move forward; change shapes, ideas, plans, people. And as always, I'll continue to write about it. It's the only way I know.

Live Music Preview: The Shondes at Club Congress, Sunday, September 18th

2011-09-16T14:54:00.001-07:00

Coming straight outta' Brooklyn with a fistful of driving post-punk chords and drums, dressed up with some dapper-yet-rebellious strings, yet still drunk on riot grrrl vocals, The Shondes are gracing the Old Pueblo with an early post-sunset (and monsoon?) appearance this Sunday night at Club Congress (7pm doors, $5 cover). With one EP (Line & Hooks + 2) and two albums (My Dear One, The Red Sea) already under their genderqueer belts, they've decided to embark on an ambitious national Fall tour and are performing with local female-fronted critic darlings Seashell Radio.

Shondes' lead singer Louisa Solomon's vocals (she's also on the bass--hot!) are demanding yet feminine. She exudes naked, raw emotion, leaving one feeling like they've read a dairy they weren't supposed to. Violinist Elijah Oberman lends searing strings, adding an element of refined anarchy. Throw in Fureigh's bold riffs; Temim Fruchter's pounding exclamation points; a penchant for political wordplay; and a Jewish upbringing, and there you have a band ready to bend your heart in the best, queerest kinda' of way.

With doors at 7pm, don't be late and miss openers Seashell Radio; more info at Club Congress. $5 in advance or the day of, 21+ with a valid ID. 7 p.m. Bring your dancing shoes and your misplaced blues.

Download the Shondes track "Ocean To Ocean" for free here.
Check out the trailer for their upcoming album, Searchlights, set for a September 20th release date, here. (Bug 'em for a new copy at the Congress show!)

Oh, hi.

2011-09-14T10:45:00.002-07:00

First, I must give thanks and interweb hugs to your supportive comments regarding my last post. I cannot begin to explain how moving it is to have people you don't even know in real life embrace you and offer support. It is one of the reasons I love blogging. But mostly it's one of the reasons I love all your wonderful selves.

Secondly, oh what a week (and a half) will bring. I have a great deal of things to post, some flights of fancy and some very grounding, serious changes that are happening around here.

Life. Life. Life

It never quite stops does it?

Just a quick hello and thank you before I commence with what I've been meaning to get around to.

Aaaand go!

"See you later..."

2011-08-30T08:22:00.012-07:00

I got the text about twenty minutes before the end of my shift.

"My grandma just passed."

Instantly the tears welled up and with it a disgust that I didn't expect. Disgust over being tethered to a desk. I wanted to walk out. Unplug. Leave.

When my shift finally ended I got in the car and locked the doors and let out a noise that was foreign even to myself. A mix of a sigh, a scream, a surrender. A mix of anger and sadness. A slight sense of relief, for her.

------------------------------------------------

You were one of the few people I admired. I can't explain why, though there are plenty of reasons but what are reasons if nothing more than a list of traits and you were more than that.

You handled me in a way that few people ever have. Sometimes, if the wine was right and we had just enough alone time, you would pull out of me things I would seldom talk to anybody about. My father, my parents, my fears about marriages and parenthood and sometimes my selfish disdain for both of those things. You pulled them out of me and didn't suggest a solution, only acknowledgement. And that was all I needed.

Few people know that.

-------------------------------------------------

I raced home as fast I could. I wasn't sure why I was pushing the speed limit, why my arms were going numb, why my hands were shaking. She was gone. There was nothing to outrace. And looking back on it this morning, I think I was just angry. I was so damn angry I hadn't been around more. Angry that I slept, ate, bathed, watched a movie, listened to music while she was a couple miles away. I was angry that life still relentlessly moves on while others simultaneously stop. Soon life will move on and I don't think I'll be as angry. This seems like something she would tell me, so I keep telling this to myself.

--------------------------------------------------

I'll always remember this one afternoon. You were feeling particularly well and wanted to take Jack to the zoo. I was slightly worried, I wasn't sure you would have the energy to fully enjoy an outing in our Tucson heat and Jack's sometimes juggernaut approach to life. But you maintained that all was well.

We walked around and took our time.

Before we left we visited the gift shop which I told you to ignore because it was overpriced. But you didn't listen. You were dead set on buying Jack not only a stuffed animal elephant but a giraffe companion for it as well as a book that made jungle noises. You have spoiled Jack since his birth. We have jokingly dubbed him "little prince" because of you. Because of the esteem with which you have held him since he was nothing more than holdable. The love that you have had for him is one of the things that I believe I'll miss the most.

We took a train ride around the park. Jack pointed out everything and we soaked in the spring sun. After we grew tired of the park we went to a Mexican restaurant downtown and I was so excited to bring you over to my stomping ground. Once again I was letting you in more than most people. The margarita was just right and the beer was to your liking and the afternoon, that afternoon, was perfect. It took weeks for Jack to stop talking about it. He still brings it up from time to time.

-------------------------------------------

"Are you okay?"
"Yeah. You?"
"Yeah."
"We just have to remember all the good things."
"I know."
"And this is a good thing. It would have gotten worse, harder, uglier."
"I know."
-------------------------------------------

The last time I saw you was at Greg's birthday dinner. You were in the back. Your daughter was there talking to you and I came in to say hello. And as soon as I sat down that old familiar comfort set in.

"You look great."
"Thanks."
"That dress is lovely."

I like that we can both appreciate the aesthetics in life. Even when life is not so grand. Some people would call us shallow for it but we know better.

"How are you?"
"Well...here."
"How's the job? How are you doing, I know you don't like it very much."
"Yeah. It's tough but I guess that's being a grown up right?"

I think you smiled at that because you've watched me struggle so hard against the practicalities of being an adult.

"But, you know, I'd rather be busy than bored. It's better that way. Even though it's hard sometimes."
"Of course!"
"My mind gets too idle and I start to unravel..."
"I know."

And before we start to turn our quick "hello" into another therapy session the dinner bell has rung. You won't be joining us, you are not well enough. Knowing that made the walk to the dinner table one of the longest I've had in awhile. My boots clicking on the tile was an assault to my ears and the further away I knew they were getting hurt somewhere in my rib cage.

"Love you."
"Love you too."
"See you later."

-----------------------------------------------

Greg and Jack had their last visit with you a couple days ago. I was at work on a Sunday. Again.

"...even though it's hard sometimes."

I'm glad Jack got to see you. I wish I could have.

But mostly I wish I had gotten to say thank you.

Thank you for accepting me, even though there are traits in myself that are sometimes unacceptable. Thank you for refilling my glass and my hope. Thank you for having such good taste and for feeling the music and the nuances. Thank you for your children. Thank you for loving Jack.

I hope that wherever you are going has plenty of pinot grigio and sunlight at your feet. I hope there are elephants with giraffe companions. I hope your son is there. I hope that you left knowing that I loved you. Always.

Time it was, and what a time it was, it was
A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories; They're all that's left you

In the blink of an eye...

2011-08-23T16:11:00.002-07:00

It's shit like this that makes me feel incredibly old and incredibly panicked.

Jack and the Beanstalk

2011-08-21T21:34:00.006-07:00

My son is growing marigolds...

Sometimes he overpours, flooding the tiny seedlings; creating a pool of drifting dirt, streaking the clay pot with water.

"Careful," I warn "you don't want to over-water them."
"Yeah," he says both concerned and yet unflappable. He knows what he's doing. Even if he doesn't, I must let him figure it out on his own. Let him color outside the lines. Let him spill and fall and piss and yell. Sometimes I have to hold my tongue, watch the dirt float to the top. Try again next time.

My son is growing.

It wasn't so long ago that I was growing a seedling of my own.

I wonder if he bites his tongue for me sometimes. Ignores the fact that I cry so easily, curse a little too much, let my head drift a little too far into the atmosphere because sometimes it's afraid of the cold, hard ground.

"Be careful" he says.

We keep each others dirt tended, cared for. And out of our eyes marigolds grow.

A lot

2011-08-17T10:17:00.002-07:00

I've been swamped, stressed, down, up, every which way it seems these last few weeks.

For some reason the job has been grating all the wrong nerves and left me so worn and angry that it took a small breakdown with my coach, complete with tears and me having to run to the bathroom to wipe away the snot that was becoming very persistent, to set me back on my axis. My PMS runs wild and it runs deep. Or I'm just stressed the fuck out and have decided that blaming it on my womanly hormones seemed like an excuse everybody could agree upon.

The truth is, this line of work is just plain sad sometimes. I work in a call center and have to deal with A LOT of angry people. People calling in already filled with venom, people who tell me their life stories, people who have decided to purposely call in to make ME pay for their bad mood. Most of the time I'm good at separating myself from it all. But after awhile it got to where their bad moods started making me question what type of company I was in that would make someone so angry and then it spiraled into me vilifying the place on a whole and then getting jaded. Because I'm an idiot idealist and believe that everything should be fair and the world just doesn't work that way. Also, if I want to continue to be paid, biting that hand that feeds is not recommended. So now I'm just an idealist on the weekends.

Alongside that is the fact that Greg's grandmother is dying. How many weeks or even days she has left is unknown. It's been weighing on my mind a lot lately. Post to follow.

Jack is in his Tyrannous Threes, as I've dubbed it, and if you guys think two is bad....you had better stock up liquor NOW because at the end of the day you'll likely feel like a three year old is THE BEST birth control nature could create. And it is. I won't be removing the IUD any time soon.

I'm trying to stay focused and positive as best as I can these days because if I don't the level of depression I can fall into is hard to get out of without some sort of crisis.

SO that's where I'm at right now. Just a quasi-brief explanation of where I've been these days. Maybe now I can get to posting something of value.

Lullabies to better recognize!

2011-08-05T21:54:00.004-07:00

* The following post was NOT sponsored. Sometimes I just happen to come across things that I love and figure I'd pass it on.

I'm a girl who tends to think about a budget. I don't like sticker shock and I hate being wasteful so when I find something that works well and is also fairly cheap, I'm pretty much sold on it.

Ladies and hair conscious gents (?), I present to you-

Organix Anti-Breakage Serum

I need a trim. I dye, or I used to dye (currently letting the locks grow au natural), my hair. I blow dry and flat iron. Needless to say, sometimes my hair needs some TLC. Usually I'm skeptical of hair products, it tends to be trial and error for me but man, this stuff was FINALLY a win! I applied about a penny sized amount (although you could use even less, and I'd recommend doing so) to the mane while it was damp, blow dried and straightened and my hair was salon soft. Softest it's been in months in fact.

Another perk of the product- it's cruelty-free!

Hair improving, cruelty-free, yummy smelling? Get on this. I'm smitten!

Friday Fondue

2011-08-03T10:07:00.007-07:00

I wish I were writing as much as I have "ideas to write down". By the end of the day sleep is my siren luring me to the bottom of the ocean. The lack of posts here has got me down, the lack of vegetarian strictness in my diet gives me guilt and I'm fairly certain my caffeine to water ratio is a bit out of balance. But I figure if I haven't completely broken down yet, something is working. So I'll work it for now.

In the meantime...links!

* Chelsea gave birth to a lovely little girl. Check her out and read her birth story here!
* Cool site for lunchbox ideas. I am allllll over this!
* Love, love, love!
* I'll never look at rogue cinder blocks as worthless again! I want to do this!
* Great post over at A Cup Of Jo on how to talk to little girls. I can't wait to try it!
* Want to make.
* I think this is my favorite maternity pic ever! It's so playful and doesn't scream just maternity.
* Dream loft.
* Tattoo lust! I've been wanting to get a Ferdinand the Bull tattoo for awhile. It was my favorite book as a kid and Ferdinand reminds me of Jack.
* Thanking about saving up and splurging on a pair of proper, classic flats (sick of replacing them every six months or so, quality over quantity!)- these two are the top contenders.
* This article cracked me up (although pretty much everything at This Recording tickles my fancy on the regular).

Music Of The Week

* "Foolin'" by Devendra Banhart (though probably NSFW, it still cures my road rage, funk moods...I also have a wicked crush on Devendra).
* "Oh My God" by Cults. Saw them at Congress last Saturday and it was one of the more fun shows I've been to so far this year (Fitz and the Tantrums would have been a good one but my getting nauseous and claustrophobic inhibited my good time) and singer Madeline Follin was a sweetheart. And...
* "Resolution Of One" by Guards...who opened for Cults and made me swoon like a teenager.
* "Zebra" by Beach House
* "Down Boy" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Hope you all have a lovely weekend!

My grandparents

2011-08-03T08:51:00.012-07:00

When I was a little girl I spent a considerable amount of time with my grandparents and I was endlessly fascinated with them.

If I spent the night I woke as soon as my grandfather's foot hit the floor, stood outside of the bathroom door and waited for him to finish what he told me were "the three S's- shower, shave and shampoo"(he omitted the more crass word for my delicate four year old ears that would soon be sullied by his future grandsons).

My grandmother was a smoker. She never did so in the house but the smell of tobacco had penetrated some things, namely this panda figurine she had sitting on the windowsill above the sink. I would ask her to take it down for me and I'd hold it in my hands and smell it, inhaling the danger of nicotine and loving that it came from her.

They lived in Show Low, AZ, for most of my young girlhood and I spent my visits creating adventures in the woods. Running up the road to greet the cows that I loved just as much as any animal that had been drawn in a Disney movie. I'd eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and talk to them, wishing that I could stroke their ears and kiss their eyelashes while resenting the barbed wire that separated us.
I adopted my grandmother's friend's wolf hybrid dog as my faithful companion in pine cone collecting. Lobo and I spent long afternoons under pine trees. He was the first creature I loved with everything I had inside of myself.

That wolfdog would wait for me at the door like clockwork.
"Amanda, Lobo is here!"
And I'd run out of the door as if somebody was waiting for me with sacks of gold.

I digress.

My fascination with my grandparents still hasn't waned. There is this intense love that runs deeper than the marrow in my bones.

I loved the feeling in their kitchen where the sun glowed around my grandfather reading the paper, drinking his black coffee. Always black coffee. This was a man who had been to war, who had worked in Detroit, and watched his sons be possible casualties in Vietnam. Who had lost friends and had the steely silence of his Swedish blood and yet, when his granddaughters came calling--there were no grandsons until after the '80s-- he was a dollhouse, a storybook; a daisy blooming through the concrete.

My grandmother raised five babies. She lost one son, watched one almost die, watched her daughters get their hearts broken, watched them lose future grandchildren in that bloody silent violence that is a miscarriage. And none of this shows. She nurtures us in a way that doesn't come off as maternal. She just believes, with all her might, that we are really capable of all our dreams, even though she's seen her own come and go.

She wanted to be a writer and when she caught wind of my aspirations she became my biggest cheerleader. Every visit she asks me if I'm "still writing" and when I say "yes" or "meh, here and there" or "I wish," she is still there. She hands me things she's written asking me what I think about them and I adore that she thinks I have any sort of skill in which my opinion really matters.

I love them.
For the days they've seen and lived through.
For setting the stage for a childhood made of wonder and adventure.
For the fact that no matter what, after being a teenager, after having my own child, I always feel like a four year old girl, filled to the brim with fascination, watching them drink that black coffee.

Some days

2011-07-26T10:45:00.005-07:00

It comes and goes

Like the dull grind in the side of my hips in the morning
skulls bleached in the desert
Like the tobacco snowflakes at the bottom of the bag
Like the newspapers and the books and the love letters hidden from sight
That optimism can't be written anymore
they sit folded in an embarrassing purity
the last virgin words
Like damp rings in cocktail napkins and the eyes from strangers
"So here we are, so here we are"
Like the smells that come from under these old houses, that came from these houses
That keep coming
Like the heat next to your ankles
Like cicadas in their summer long seances
Like the silent couple in the restaurant
and their cold tea meditation

It comes and goes

That apartment emptied out once sucked of hope
That ache between your heart and your legs, her legs
That burn in your belly
That kind of love
That kind of love
That kind of love

It comes and goes

I am currently...

2011-07-20T16:43:00.004-07:00

waking up from an hour and a half long nap. I'm shaking the discombobulation that comes with overdosing your body with sleep when you've been so used to not doing so.

I feel weird and yet grateful.

Colleen made me dinner last night and we drank red wine and watched American Psycho.

I drove home on the freeway in the rain and nobody was around. I rolled down the windows and let our monsoon air wrap itself around my face, cool and humid in equal measure; tires running over the wet asphalt, windshield wipers soothing in their consistency.

I felt weird and yet grateful.

I am currently being as languorous as the weather outside of my window.

And I am listening to this-

And I feel weird and grateful.

This has been one of the best couple days off in awhile. Blogworthy? Maybe not. But sometimes the little things need their due attention. This has been one of those times.

Friday Fondue+Outfit+Eff It I'm Off So I'm Posting This On A Wednesday

2011-07-13T10:11:00.005-07:00

* Urban Outfitters has me in a tizzy over a few of these here pretties.

* What Would Don Draper Do?

* This house/loft! Le'gasp!

* I want to go to there.

* Cute swimsuit.

* I know what I'm makin' for breakfast soon!

* Pretty and light summery outfit (I've never been able to pull off the topknot bun).

* Erin Fetherston is all kinds of purdy.

Music Of The Week

* "Fever Dreams" by Nurses
* "White Winter Hymnal" by Fleet Foxes
* "What Would Wolves Do" by Les Savy Fav
*"Air" by The Owls
* "Lull" by Andrew Bird

BONUS Poorly Shot Outfit!

(I've decided it's time for a new camera)

Tank & belt (that's actually part of a different dress)- Target
Skirt- Buffalo Exchange (if better pictures were captured you'd be able to see the little pink/coral giraffes on the skirt that convinced me purchase it on the spot)
Shoes- Jeffery Campbell scored for $15 at Ross (found a pair of Frye booties awhile back for $60...it has been a good year for shoe finding).
Bangles- Gifted

Haven't done one of these in awhile...

2011-07-13T08:30:00.009-07:00

Since I'm just waking up and trying to get the brain moving enough to post a blog, I figured I'd try this idea I got from Molly.

The ABC's Of Me

Ambition- Publishing something.

Bad Habit- Smoking, on occasion (never at home or around Jack though).

City- Tucson, of course! Where else are you going to find sunsets like this-

Drink- Margarita. See City.

Education- School of Life, HS diploma

Food- Anything with an ample amount of carbs in it. I've been addicted to spaghetti since I was three. Sushi and Mexican food (being that I live in pretty much the best place aside from Mexico to get Mexican food).

Guilty Pleasure:

Sonoran dogs and trash TV (Real Housewives Of WHY ARE YOU WATCHING THIS?!)

Hometown- Technically Phoenix (was born there, moved at six), but my heart belongs to Tucson and I've lived here the longest.

Ice Cream- In moderation, as I am lactose challenged.

Jonesing for- Decadent relaxation (days by a pool, ample margaritas and nowhere to go).

Kryptonite- Buffalo Exchange and dapperness.

Look-a-like-
I get Natalie Portman the most, but I think those people may be smoking the hashish.

Movie- That's too hard. Maybe The Royal Tenenbaums. The Labyrinth. Almost Famous. See, I can't pick just one.

Nickname- Manda Mae, Sal, Mama.

Obsession- Music, Mad Men and going to have to agree with Molly on Pinterest. I'm also pretty addicted to stripes.

Perfume-

Quirk- I need to have noise at all times. I currently have my TV on in the other room and my music going on in here. I hate silence.

Regret- "Regrets are for horseshoes and handbags."- Tracy Jordan (30 Rock)

Starbucks- Venti macchiato or a green tea frappuccino (which I treat mostly like a milkshake).

Talent- Adept at the art of self deprecation and tomfoolery.

University- ...of Arizona is where I ALMOST went.

Vacation-

Mexico is a hop, skip and a jump. But I think I'm craving Seattle the most right now.

Wine- Pinot grigio

XXIX- Is how old I'll be in six years.

Years- 23

Zen- Sitting among my freshly cleaned apartment, with a book and some alone time.

What I Wore

2011-07-06T22:16:00.006-07:00

1. My camera sucks. Some days it decides to put out a nice clear picture and other times it looks like the photographer had too much caffeine. Today I got the latter but I was determined to get a post done today in some way, shape or form.
2. I'm not really as bitchy as I appear in pictures. But I am PMSing so I guess it's a moot point.
3. Outfit Details-
Dress & Belt- Buffalo Exchange
Shoes- Jeffrey Campbell
Hat- Gift from a friend
Camera- The Bowels of Hell

Girl Crushing

2011-07-03T22:03:00.010-07:00

<

Woman is the only creature in nature that hunts down its hunters and devours the prey alive.

ABRAHAM MILLER, Unmoral Maxims

Friday Fondue

2011-07-02T08:32:00.003-07:00

* Such a chic couple!
* I read this and almost cried on the bus. It's just so...perfect.
* Want (although I do think AP is a tad overpriced and their PR isn't doing them any favors).
* How'd you like this in your house?!
* I definitely want to try and make this (we actually make a pasta dish with feta, mushrooms and red onions that is one of my favorite comfort foods ever).
* Why wont my hair just do this everyday?
* Shades lust (Oliver Peoples gives me an eyewear boner and their ads? Swooooooooonnn. Swoooonon. Double Swooooon. ).
* Funny
* Cool home bar. But then, I'm always partial to that wallpaper.
* Tucson local Amber has some mad stylin' chops. Check out her blog here.

Music Of The Week

"I'll Be With You" by Black Lips
"Feel It All Around" by Washed Out
"Life Fantastic" by Man Man (I'm legitimately addicted to this song)
"Sara" by Chad VanGaalen
"Diamond Mine" by David Kilgour and The Heavy Eights

When I asked Jack what his favorite song was right now he said this. And that's no lie. The dude has been stomping around the house in unison with the song and singing this all week. He is the Freddie Mercury of my heart.

I hope you all have a lovely 4th of July. Have an extra margarita and slice of watermelon. Tell them I said it was okay. Love and Bottle Rockets.

Dear Jack,

2011-06-22T14:51:00.011-07:00

You are now three. You have been three for three months and three weeks. You like "Cars" and "Kung Fu Panda" and singing. You sing loudly for the world to hear. You sing from your heart and I admire it because I never have. I'm too afraid to sing out loud, to release my voice to the judgement of the world. I hum instead. It's safer.
You ride your tricycle... I'M SORRY! I mean "motorcycle"! You ride your "motorcycle" as fast as you can. Pushing your body forward and stopping just before you slam into something.

"Stop!" I yell. And you look over your shoulder and smile.
"Gotcha, " your eyes laugh.

I drive the speed limit (most of the time) and buckle my seat belt (most of the time). I make car appointments to make sure the brakes are okay and the AC is cool enough to keep your hair from sticking to your head after a long day at preschool. I worry about the brakes and impatient drivers. I worry now.

You want to open doors and help us cook. You like stickers and place them all over the house, taunting the perfectionist in me that would normally pull them off.
"Those are an eyesore!"

But I leave them be. Because you put them there. I don't care what Apartment Therapy says about it. Those tiny fingers picked those stickers off the paper and placed them there. And that's worth more too me.
Things have changed, dearest friend. You are bigger and faster and more bold than before. You are challenging us everyday. We are all growing, us three. Three. You are three...

I'm not sure what I expected out of motherhood. I suppose I expected to be afraid. Some days I am. But most days I'm not. You have made me fearless. A warrior. I know what I want now. I want the world and the stars. I want to give you a place to miss one day. A place to look back on and think "those were the days".

But these are the days. Right now. I'm trying to scrape them together and tuck them safely away because the world moves to fast and I feel like it doesn't understand the delicateness of these moments. I don't think the world understands what this means to me, these hand prints on paper, these marker filled pictures...

By next summer you will be four and I'll be thinking "those were the days." When you loved "Cars" and "Kung Fu Panda". When you liked to open doors and help us cook. When you sang from your soul and your daredevil eyes taunted my caution. When the hand prints on the paper were smaller.

And you were more mine than the worlds.

It's all happening sweet prince. You are growing up so fast. So fast. It's all happening so fast...

"Those were the days..."

Untitled

2011-06-20T16:37:00.004-07:00

* I haven't written anything in the verse/poetry realm in quite some time (about five years or so), until today. It was nice to stretch that part of my soul a bit.

She walked through with her belly peering under the shirt stretched thin with expectations
"Hide it away," I think
"Keep it safe."
Hide it from the heat that has everyone down here and the jobs that have everyone down here.
Hide it from the exhaust bouncing off the asphalt.
Hide it from the angry voices over the phone and the men with sad livers and sadder wives.
And if it's a girl hide her from the weight that sits on the shoulders of every woman who walks with grace simply to keep from the fall.
And if it's a boy hide him from the gamblers and the dealers and the men in suits bought with the souls of the freshly squeezed.
"Keep it safe," I inhale as the smoke hits the back of my throat and rolls out over my lazy mouth.
That weight is heavy and those suits are expensive and I pull at my shirt to cover the scars left behind from the one I know I can't keep safe forever.

Friday Fondue- Saturday Edition

2011-06-18T18:49:00.004-07:00

When you work weekends your whole concept of the rest of the week sort of goes completely out of whack. My "weekends", as of late, have been moved to Wednesday and Thursdays so Fridays and Saturdays have lost their shiny, happy luster since they've basically been my Monday and Tuesday. Don't ask me for the date, you'll be let down or kind of amused as you watch my face work out the math in my head.

But! Here are some links-

* Rebecca Woolf turns thirty and writes a damn beautiful post about it, naturally.
* Animals Being Dicks
* Shoe lust.
* In love with Audrey Pongracz's "That's why the call them crushes" painting (I'm a big lover of John Hughes movies).
* This would be an awesome and hilarious gift for a tea loving friend.
* One crazy adorable shop!
* I think Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are giving girls someone to look up to.
* Oh, hi! I'll take all of these outfits for my future daughter, thanks!
* I'm on the hunt for a top like this (I live in Tucson, I should be able to find one like this for way less than $168.00. I'm still kicking myself for not picking up a bunch on the cheap when we were in Ixtapa. Idiot.)
* Dream kitchen.
* Great, healthy and delicious recipe for avocado quinoa tacos.
* Adoring this baby quilt (my mother-in-law is a master quilter so maybe I can get her to try this pattern with Jack's old baby t-shirts since I'm hopeless at all things crafty and/or domestic. I'm a hell of a notebook doodler though!).
* The Evolution Of The Geek. Which geek are you?

Music Of The Week (I'm REALLY obsessed with these ones this week!)

"The Park" by Secret Cities
"Cannons" by Little Scream
"Everyday" by Vetiver
"When They Fight They Fight" by The Generationals
And lastly, this is NSFW. Not outright vulgar but very suggestive and quite possibly the sexiest video and song I've seen/heard in a long time-
"The Pornographer" by Parenthetical Girls

Here's hoping you all have a fantastic weekend and a wonderful Father's Day. May the men who gave us children, raised us up from children, remain a child at heart or a memory that will never leave your own have a special day. Love to you all.

Bear With Me

2011-06-13T17:08:00.007-07:00

I've been a deadbeat blogger. It looms over my head everyday.
"Can I manage a post today?"
And the truth is, I have tons to work with. Some things painfully real and some things that happened to just pass on through my head. The second I sit down to type, they vanish. Overruled by fatigue and pushed back laundry or meals. My shirt is pulled at by Jack who wants nothing more than his mother and I'll be damned if I deny him that when so much of my time is spent at work these days. When so much of my left over time is spent trying to cheat time itself. Pumping my body full of caffeine, sacrificing sleep, pre-planning, push...push...push some more.

"So, I HAVE to mention it. You've lost about 5-10 lbs! Are you doing something?"
"Everything."

I miss the fullness of my breasts and I miss my knee bones not keeping me awake at night. I'm not really proud of my weight loss. More than anything I am fascinated. "So this is what it looks like. This what trying to have it all feels like. This is pressure." I put on my headphones and push...push...push some more.

Sometimes I cry behind my sunglasses as I watch children fall asleep on the city bus. I think of Jack and I think of the smiles he's sharing with other people all day. People who are not me. Stay-at-home motherhood has always been hard for me. I'm not made for it. I wish I was, but I suppose I'm just not wired that way. And I feel like a piece of shit mom for not being wired that way. But there are times when I do miss it. It can't be explained. It's only felt in my gut and it comes rising up behind my lenses. And I push...push..push some more.

And when I feel I'm at my breaking point I pour more coffee.
And when I feel I'm at my breaking point I turn it up.
And when I feel I'm at my breaking point I wipe it away discreetly with the back of my hand.

And when I feel I'm at my breaking point I write.

I am writing. And I am not breaking. Not yet.

* I apologize over the erratic nature of this post. It just felt good to type again. To open that bleed valve. Coherent posts to come (hopefully).

Working Titles In My Memoir (if I were to actually write a memoir and...yeah, THIS WAS ALL I HAD GUYS!)

2011-06-10T16:48:00.006-07:00

Chapter One- "Anybody Have A Light?"
Chapter Two- "It's Not Really Just A Dry Heat"
Chapter Three- "'He Said He'd Like You More If You Weren't Such A Spaz'"
Chapter Four- "How To Be An Honor Student And Feign Interest"
Chapter Five- "Middle School..."
Chapter Six- "That One Time I Spent Four Years Hating Life" -or- "High School..."
Chapter Seven- "So Tell Me How You Feel..."
Chapter Eight- "How To Stay A Virgin"
Chapter Nine- "So I'm Not A Virgin Anymore, Now What?"
Chapter Ten- "Sex, Drugs and Price Is Right Re-runs"
Chapter Eleven- "Divorce! Fun For The Whole Family!"
Chapter Twelve- "So Do We Hug Or Something?" -or- "How To Meet Your Future Spouse On Myspace"
Chapter Thirteen- "Living In Sin For Dummies"
Chapter Fourteen- "My Pee Can Predict The Future" (this would be when I found out I was pregnant with Jack)
Chapter Fifteen- "Yes, SIX hotdogs"
Chapter Sixteen- "The World Weighs 9lbs 5oz and is 21.5 Inches Long"
Chapter Seventeen- "His So-Called Wife"
Chapter Eighteen- "Twenty-one Going On Thirty-two"
Chapter Nineteen- "In Which I Would Sell My Soul For Eight Hours Of Sleep"
Chapter Twenty- "Figuring It Out...Kinda"

What would your chapters be?

What I Wore

2011-06-05T21:11:00.006-07:00

Please pardon the makeup-lessness. I've pretty much given up on it altogether it seems. Our temps have officially reached the hundreds, I get up at 4:45 am five days a week, sit in a class for 8.5 hours, commute on the city bus for an hour and a half, make dinner/get Jack's night routine going, tidy up, prepare for the next day and pass out. Needless to say, this blog has taken a hit in the content department. I have about four posts in queue; some half done, some near abandoned having turned into something else entirely. There is a constant nag in my head telling me to write. And yet the clock remains the king, and one I despise.

I just have to learn how to outsmart it.

Outfit Details-
Dress- Billabong via Ross (it shifted a little bit which makes it look a little lopsided in the pic)
Sandals- Urban Outfitters from a few years ago (these guys are on their last leg)
Hat- Gift from a friend and best remedy for the humidity's effect on my hair.
Bangles- India, gifted

If This Outfit Were A Song-

Mixology- Lullabies Style!

2011-05-30T20:37:00.006-07:00

I'm no cocktail mixer but I am a lover of the mix tape/CD/Chex! If you're new to this blog you may be thinking "hey, this broad sure likes to post music links a lot" and if you're older to this blog you're probably going "here she goes again..."

HERE I GO AGAIN!

I decided that I'm going to post all the music links in my Friday Fondue segment in one post. One mega-mix if you will. So here they are in all their glory-

1. "Boys Don't Cry" by The Cure
2. "Emma's House" by The Field Mice
3. "Two Weeks" by Grizzly Bear
4. "Let's Go Surfing" by The Drums
5. "First Song For B" by Devendra Banhart
6. "I Want The World To Stop" by Belle and Sebastian
7. "Play With Fire" by The Rolling Stones
8. "Foreground" by Grizzly Bear
9. "Frank Sinatra" by Cake
10. "Happy Jack" by The Who
11. "It's Not You It's Me" by Coconut Records
12. "My Impure Hair" by Blonde Redhead
13. "Burning" by The Whitest Boy Alive
14. "Heartless Romantic" by The Dears
15. "Pitseleh" by Elliott Smith
16. "No Key, No Plan" by Okkervil River
17. "Do You Believe In Destiny?" by The Fresh & Onlys
18. "When I'm With You" by Best Coast
19. "Black Cab" by Jens Lekman
20. "A Summer Thing" by Oregon Bike Trails
21. "You Can't Hurry Love" by The Concretes
22. "Young Folks" by Peter, Bjorn & John
23. "Black and Blue" by Miike Snow
24. "Heaven's On Fire" by The Radio Dept.
25. "Our Own Pretty Ways" by First Aid Kit
26. "Play It For Today" by The Legends
27. "I've Just Seen A Face" by Ludella Black
28. "The Headmaster Ritual" by The Smiths (covered by Radiohead)
29. "Feathers" by Man Man
30. "To Fail You" by Low Skies
31. "Ashes To Ashes" by David Bowie (covered by Warpaint)
32. "Swimsuit" by Oregon Bike Trails
33. "High School Lover" by Oregon Bike Trails
34. "Not a Robot, But a Ghost" by Andrew Bird
35. "Vicious" by Lou Reed
36. "Clementine" by Sarah Jaffe
37. "Hang Them All" by Tapes 'n Tapes
38. "Spell" by Slowdance
39. "Warrior" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
40. "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People
41. "Down By The Water" by The Drums
42. "Peppermint Patty" by The Owls
43. "Summer Wont End" by Transmittens

And there you have them! Normally I'd make a mix via Playlist, but I can't find all the songs I need sometimes. This is also only Part One.

Happy Listening!

2011-05-25T22:01:00.007-07:00

All images via Pinterest. And you can find me here.

What I Wore

2011-05-22T09:40:00.005-07:00

Yesterday was pretty insane. I had to be up at 5 am for work and got home around 5 pm. If I wasn't tired enough I had to get Jack through the nighttime routine and off to bed. It was also yesterday that I realized it was about that time of month again (or every other month)- Black Cherry Burlesque was having a show! My friend Colleen and I go to every one to support our friends and make friendly with a couple cocktails. The Surly Wench Pub is one of my favorite bars/venues in Tucson. The women that own it have gone through great lengths to make it comfortable for it's patrons by keeping assholes out and good food, service and amazing burlesque shows in. Ever go to a bar and get aggravated or even harassed by a drunken moron? That has NEVER happened to me there. I plan on adding it to a feature I've been meaning to do forever of my favorite places in Tucson. Soon. Soon. Soon. Anyway, here's what I wore-

Skirt/shoes/bangle- Buffalo Exchange
Shirt- Target

If This Outfit Were A Song-

Friday Fondue

2011-05-19T19:51:00.003-07:00

Well, this is embarrassing.

I've neglected posting anything of substance this last week because, well, I'm running out of substance. I'm exhausted. With the new schedule, Jack and the overall trying to do it all-ness that has plagued me as of late, I have little left. Whatever IS left over is generally spent trying to find new ways to smuggle sleep into my life. I'll post on that when successful.

Sorry for being Debbie Downer.

Anywho...here are some things that have been collecting dust in my bookmarks-

Topshop, you do me so good.
Adorable nursery (I'm in love with her name too).
Craving this so hard!
Where have these been all my life?
Rare colour photographs of the Depression.
Lovely.
This makes me miss my red hair (slowly the mousy-ness is creeping...).
Vintage inspired stoves? Yes please!
It's funny because it's true!

Music Of The Week-
"Summer Wont End" by Transmittens
"Peppermint Patty" by The Owls
"Down By The Water" by The Drums
"Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People
"Warrior" by Yeah Yeah Yeah's

I'm hoping to get back on the ball soon. Here's to the weekend warriors!

Damn you Disney...

2011-05-17T22:59:00.003-07:00

When I was a little girl this always made me cry. And now, as a twenty-something with a child, it gets me even more.

'08

Lost In Transit

2011-05-14T09:22:00.009-07:00

One by one, or sometimes three, they come on. People of the world. Mothers arms full of children and fatigue. Men with manual labor written into their hands, work boots dusty, heavy and worn. Students with textbooks in lap, cell phones in hand. The elderly off to appointments, because they're still alive. They're still doing it.

I sit with my headphones on. Silently letting my eyes wander here and there inconspicuously. Writing stories in my head for people I don't know. Wondering who the person is behind the name tattooed on the arm of the man in the sleeveless shirt. Staring out the window.

I've always loved riding the city bus. I tell people it can be either depressing or liberating depending on how you look at it.

I see single mothers I want to hug. Children I want to pick up and carry to prevent their tiny feet from becoming pavement sore. I see people with paper bagged addictions outside on the sidewalk at 9 a.m. People with not enough time or money or sleep.

I find it fascinating that in a vessel carrying handfuls of people, I feel entirely anonymous yet connected to the world. All of us trying to get to where we need to go. Moving forward, hoping that today will be The Day. Or simply accepting it for what it is.

We slide our bus passes and watch our steps. We give up our seats for the elderly and the women with convexed bellies. We go. We go. We go. We're all going. In it together, in it for ourselves. We're in it.

I don't know any of their names and they don't know mine. But I wonder if they know that I think about them all. Those people on the bus.

Pictures found here and here.

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-08T07:42:00.007-07:00

For my Mother's Day post stop by Monkey & The Bug!

What I Wore

2011-05-07T16:53:00.004-07:00

Nothing spectacular but I felt decent enough for the 94 degree weather to attempt an outfit post. This is pretty much my go-to these days. The skirt is actually stripped but it doesn't show up in the pictures.

Tank, skirt- Target
Sandals- Sam Edelman
Hat- Gift from a friend
Yellow bangle- thrifted
Necklaces- thrifted and World Market
Bloatedness- PMS induced Pepsi Throw Back indulgence

If This Outfit Were A Song-

Saturday, In The Park*

2011-05-07T16:28:00.011-07:00

* Well, the park and local vegetarian/vegan buffet Govinda's, which is where the koi and the peacock came from.

Friday Fondue

2011-05-06T11:17:00.006-07:00

Is it already Friday?!?! I've been enjoying a blissful week of nothingness (well, somewhat nothingness). We enrolled Jack into pre-school early so he could get used to it before I started work, which meant that I would have about eight child-free hours to myself. It was hard at first. The first day I almost buckled out of missing him and thought about picking him up by noon. But I phoned my sponsor and they were like "wtf?! You're home by yourself! Remember all those times you wanted a nap but couldn't take them for three years?! DO IT! DO IT NOW! You can finally go to the bathroom uninterrupted!"

And that's what I did this week. I went to the bathroom a lot. Not really. But I've been enjoying a relatively easy time. Basically, I've been doing this around the house all day. I consider it my summer vacation before my life turns into an absolute clusterfuck of commuting, training, also being a mom and tons of tiredness.

Anyway, here are some links!

Some darling frocks and such via Modcloth (is there anything that ISN'T darling on that site though?).
Your dad knew about that band way before you.
Genius Halloween costume idea!
Some Lookbook favs.
I want to try this and this so bad!
Amen.
My future daughter?
I love me some kitchen nooks. As somebody who sips her coffee at a snails pace and enjoys flipping through a fresh Tucson Weekly, a cozy little nook would be a dream.
Awesome.

Música of the Week-

I know I posted a song by them last week but I'm obsessed. So here is "Swimsuit", "High School Lover" and "Deep Sea Diver" by Oregon Bike Trails.
"Not a Robot, But a Ghost" by Andrew Bird
Heard "Vicious" by Lou Reed at one of my favorite old haunts yesterday and it made my sandwich that much more spectacular!
A purdy little song- "Clementine" by Sarah Jaffe
"Hang Them All" by Tapes 'n Tapes
"Spell" by Slowdance

I hope you all have a Happy Mother's Day. I'm pushing for a macaroni bracelet this year. I'd rock that shit like it were Tiffany's. Plus it would display my undying love for pasta/carbs. If not I'll settle for maybe sleeping in until 7:45. Yes, THAT is sleeping in these days. Motherhood- I gave him my heart, he gave me penne.

DILFery

2011-05-03T08:46:00.009-07:00

Johnny Depp- Talented, mysterious and handsome (and slightly pirate-y) DILF.

Dave Grohl- Rockin' DILF.

Paul Rudd- Hilarious and endearing (and seemingly ageless) DILF. He gets extra DILF points considering he named his son Jack! A DILF that can agree with me!

Paul McCartney- Sir DILF

Jason Bateman- NOT A CHICKEN DILF.

Julian Casablancas- Strokes DILF

And my personal favorite-

Jason Schwartzman- Record havin', porn 'stache rockin', music makin' DILF!

All images from here.

So take heed men. Your hotness level isn't about the car you buy it's about your willingness to rock a Bjorn and own it.

To the DILFs of the world- I salute you.

The (pre) Pre-K Took My Baby Away

2011-05-02T07:59:00.007-07:00

We all woke up early today, Jack already bouncing off the walls in a way I wish I could replicate without the aid of prescription drugs or caffeine. That's one of my favorite things about children- they arise every morning without hangups. I wondered if he knew what exactly was to come. He would be going to pre-school/daycare, introduced to a new world and saying goodbye to the one he'd grown accustom to for the last three years. Me.

I prepared for this. Reenacted the scene in my mind for a week and reminded myself of WHY he's going, counting the good reasons and remembering that this was inevitable. What I hadn't prepared for was the silence.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Five years ago I got "this too shall pass" in latin inscribed on my hip indelibly with ink. I was going through a hard time and found comfort in those four simple words. I said them in my head, hoping with all my might that I wasn't saying them in vain. I made some questionable decisions as a teen but this one I cherish because it's true. "This too shall pass..."

I thought this when I got down. I thought this when I was sick of being pregnant and when pregnancy got sick of me I thought about this in the throes of labor.

Not only does it help me through the hard times but it reminds me of the good. To stop and cherish them. "This too shall pass..."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In parenthood the days are long and the years are short. When I opened the door to hand Jack off to his teachers I remembered the day when nurses handed him off to me. And our life began. I nursed him as an infant and spent days staring at him. I soothed his swollen gums and stayed up late with him. I got frustrated and cried and I got overwhelmed with love and cried some more. And when I wasn't looking, when I blinked, he grew up. Our own little world filled with days in the park, sandwiches with crusts cut off, tiny toy cars and coloring books started to shrink as his own world just started to expand. I took stage right as his spotlight brightened.

"We'll be back soon! I love you!"

I turned and walked out as fast as I could and resisted the urge to look back. Got in the car and turned up the CD player as loud as I could handle it to fill the now empty back seat and my head.

"This too shall pass..."

And it has. It does, everyday. Pregnancy, infancy, toddlerhood, pain, childhood, long afternoons with his hand in mine, faces pink under the sun, elementary school...this too shall pass. All of it bittersweet.

And so, it is off to his own adventures. The chrysalis has been broken. He'll fly fine on his own. I just hope I can do the same.

Friday Fondue

2011-04-29T08:46:00.004-07:00

I had about three posts I wanted to write. I've been taking Sudafed lately for a sinus infection and it's left me with energy out the yang! I can see why they keep that stuff behind the counter. However, all of it has been spent elsewhere. I'm starting a new job, Jack will be going to pre-school Monday (WTFOMGWHEREDIDMYBABYGOOOOO*TEARS*?!?!), we'll be headed up to Phoenix Saturday for one of my dear friends' burlesque debut and laundry. Oh, the laundry I need to catch up on...
Anyway, it's Friday! There's always that period at the end of the week to embrace right? Let's hug it out.

I lurve the hell out of this print.
I'm not entirely sure how I feel about these sandals. I think I'm leaning towards "hell yes".
Duvet cover coveting.
And a perfect summer dress (yes, I got a little UO crazy).
Cool craft project for the mini chime lover in your life.
How fun would it be to swim with a manatee?!
Word.
Beautiful birthing scene photos. They almost brought a tear to my eye.
We've all been there.
My new-totally-bad-for-me-super-awesome-time guilty pleasure.
Pretty offices.
Dreamy bathroom.
Good idea for a patio. Perfect for Tucson sunset sitting!
Easy and delicious snack idea.
Screaming for this ice cream (or at least loudly asking politely for).
The Tucsonan in me LOVES this cake.
Gorgeous photo sesh (the one with them on the blanket w/the record player is my fav!).
This has been my mantra for my week (and for many more to come).

Musica of the week!
"A Summer Thing" by Oregon Bike Trails
"I've Just Seen A Face" by Ludella Black (Awesome Beatles cover!)
"The Headmaster Ritual" by The Smiths, covered by Radiohead!
"Gold Teeth" by Man Man OR "Feathers" by Man Man (I couldn't decide, I have a thing for pianos).
"To Fail You" by Low Skies (I used to listen to this on the bus on my way to school, it breaks my heart in the best kind of way).
AND! My FAVORITE. It makes my insides feel like shooting stars- "Ashes To Ashes" by Warpaint (David Bowie cover...you can see why I love it so, yes?)

Hope you all have a fantastic weekend! I'll keep the light on for you.

The End Of A Hair-a

2011-04-27T14:49:00.008-07:00

"A woman's hair is her crowning glory."

I suppose that COULD be true. Hair is a funny thing. It's amazing how much we tend to hold on to it. A security blanket that we place a lot of stock in. Bad hair days giving us strife, good ones giving us confidence.

For the last three years I had tried to grow out my hair.

"I don't want to let myself go", I thought, after having Jack. Growing out my hair seemed like the right route to take to ensure that. Because long hair meant effort. It meant options. I clung to it, thinking it made me sexier, less "mom-like".

I dyed it red. A color of confidence, whether I truly had it or not. Turning the bathtub into a horror movie scene every three months or so, I changed my hairs chemistry and swore that, in turn, it changed mine.

I walked into the salon ready. I had had enough. I handed the hairdresser my desired hairstyle and she went to work. Down, one by one, inches worth of hair fell. Freeing up my shoulders, taking away damaged hair and split ends I would be found picking at like a fiend. I breathed.

I've carried a lot on my head the last three years. Growing things out all around. Changing, learning, pushing forward to get to a place that I can look upon with a smile, contentment, pride.

She clipped away, for about forty minutes she worked, cutting away piece after piece, examining and cutting again. And when it was over I smiled, thanked her, tipped her and headed to my car.

"I let myself go" I thought, only this time it meant something entirely different. I freed up my back, my neck, my shoulders, yes, but I also freed up myself. I felt more womanly than I have in a long time. I wasn't hiding behind anything anymore.

And I'm not hiding behind anything anymore. Not even myself.

On the birth of your daughter

2011-04-27T08:01:00.011-07:00

Dearest friend/new father,
May you braid flowers in her hair and let her keep the strays she brings home, and she will bring them. Our hearts are made to take in the poor, stranded, sad. You will be amazed at how much so.
She will cry and scream and curse you. Stay there. Understand. Give her time.
She will have her heart broken. It will make her stronger if you give her the foundation in which to flourish.
She will have good days and bad days. Days where the tears stream for unknown reasons or for reasons all too obvious.
Let her wear a tutu to the dinner table, her favorite bathing suit in the bathtub. Let her dream the wildest dreams and don't forget your own.
Let her blow bubbles in her milk. Laugh with reckless abandon. Give her chocolate for no reason other than you're happy to see her face. You will be. Everyday.
She is made of you and the woman you love. Stardust and years of a tender love that radiates under the chests of millions. She is precious. She is love.

Congrats Rene and Megan. Welcome to the rest of your lives.

Hair Muse

2011-04-25T20:28:00.007-07:00

I finally accepted it- I need a haircut. I've been trying to grow out this mess of a mane for about three years now (getting it trimmed/touched up every six months or so) but it's reached a sad state. My ends are fried and I've dyed it far too much (been dying it red consistently for a couple years and since red fades out fast, I've been dying it a lot). But! I'm ready now. Cute bob here I come! My inspiration- Annie Monroe (of The Like).

Also, is The Like not the cutest/hot girl band you've ever seen?! I mean...c'mon-

This cut will likely spawn a vintage hat thrifting obsession and regular red lipstick wearing.

Friday Fondue- Stubborn Swede Edition

2011-04-22T18:21:00.003-07:00

Now, not all Swedes are stubborn, I just used to hear my grandmother calling my grandfather "that stubborn Swede" enough times and it has been ingrained in my head. Plus, I also happen to be a tad stubborn, so maybe...?...I digress.
Anyway, I happen to love a good 'ol Swede/Scandinavian aesthetic. So I figured I'd share some of my favorite Swede related findings from the web.

I would love these dresses for my errand running.
Badass car for kids (albeit a tad pricey)
They will be mine...oh yes...they will be mine.
Funny and cute (and also my favorite candy for obvious reasons!).
Add this to the list of things "For My Future Daughter" (I'm losing my mind...seriously).
This too...
Prints (for the kitchen)! Prints (for the bedroom)! Prints (for the baby)!
A VEGAN Swedish Meatball recipe?! WHAAA?!? Although I won't hold it against you if you MUST have them the way grandma made 'em!
Swedish Street Style and some more...
Swedish girls who don't look Swedish (I feel this since I AM half Mexican after all...I got the dark hair and ability to tan (my mother burns), whereas my brother basically looks like a teenage Dolph Lundgren)

Some sweet Swede tunes-
"Can't Hurry Love"- The Concretes
"Young Folks"- Peter, Bjorn and & John
"Black and Blue"- Miike Snow
"Heaven's On Fire"- The Radio Dept.
"Our Own Pretty Ways"- First Aid Kit
"Play It For Today"- The Legends
"Hate To Say I Told You So"- The Hives
"Dancing Queen"- Abba (I HAD too!)

Now, the question remains- have you hugged a Swede today?

Run, run as fast as you can...

2011-04-21T13:52:00.002-07:00

I've not been writing as of late. But I HAVE been thinking about it! That counts right? RIGHT?!?!

The truth is a lot of things have happened in the last couple of weeks. Some heartbreaking. Some great. Some good news. Some bad. All of them requiring an energy I feel I need to acquire more of. That's another thing I need to add to the To Do list- Acquire more energy.

I'm trying to collect the thoughts from a multitude of events/topics/realizations and get them down. I hope you can bare with me for the drop/lack of substance in posts lately. It pains me because writing has been a large outlet for me. This is probably why I don't see a therapist- I'm a cheapskate and I have a blog. If it ain't broke don't fix it right?

So, I apologize. Once I get a little bit more situated in my thoughts/sleeping habits I should be back with something.

Out losing my mind...

2011-04-19T15:41:00.003-07:00

Be back after the videos...

I need a power nap like nobody knows.

My Birth Story, For What It's Worth

2011-04-11T13:18:00.004-07:00

Since starting Lullabies and realizing that my blog, whether I choose to accept it or not, tends to slip into "mommy blog" territory, I've toyed with the idea of posting my birth story. I've read a few at other places and have enjoyed tales of women doing, in all shapes and forms, one the most challenging aspects of life; the bringing in of another. The MOST challenging aspect of life? Getting your coffee maker and VCR to stop saying 12:00. I digress. Since Jack is taking a nap right now (the voodoo is working you guys!) I figured I'd regale you with the tale of how Jack almost but didn't come out of my vagina but came into the world nonetheless.

Here is that story.

March 6th, 2008

"Lets have sex. I want this baby out now. I've walked all day and he's overdue and I'm kind of horny anyway. Your fatherly duties start now. Pretend I'm hot and lets go for it."

Greg won the Oscar for his role in "Things I Did So My Pregnant Girlfriend Wouldn't Maime Me" that night.

March 7th, 2008

We wake up and Greg starts getting ready for work while I get ready for my job that I started around my seventh month of pregnancy- being aggitated. I start thinking that nothing will get Jack out and that I'm destined to be that forty year old woman on the Discovery Channel who is PREGNANT FOR TWENTY YEARS or something equally horrific. But then-
"Whoa. Uhhhh...I think we may be on to something here."
"Really?!"
"Yeah. Call in. I think this is it."

Greg calls in and the first thing I think of is how hungry I am and how I'm happy he's off because now he can drive my fat, laboring ass to Burger King to eat the last thing I would be able to eat for over twenty four hours. I scarf two, yes two, Whoppers and fries and proceed to lay around counting the minutes between contractions and freaking the hell out. Because I am twenty years old and while all my peers are gearing up for spring break I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that I will soon be trying to push a living, breathing human being out of my body. I suppose my peers and I did have ONE thing in common in that moment- the want of a really strong margarita.
After things started to progress (read: I was cussing more at the contractions, Greg, my unfinished french fries) we decided to move the party over to the birthing center. I spent the next hour or so being hooked up to monitors and pretending like I knew what the hell I was looking at. After that they said I wasn't dilating enough and to take a walk for an hour to speed things up. Because that was EXACTLY what a wanted to do. Go and pick some daisies while my insides were being squeezed by invisible man hands. So walk we did. It was nice to be able to scream at things like lizards and cactus. I knew they wouldn't judge me and my colorful language.
Once we walked around for a good hour I was admitted into my room. It was swanky. I immediately perked up and became slightly confused. Had Greg won a crapload of money playing craps with other expectant fathers while I was on the monitor thing and we got upgraded to the "High Rollers Birthing Suite"? Whatever it was I liked it. There were wood floors. Wood floors land directly on #15 of my all time favorite things. We settled in and Greg began the first of his many trips to fetch me cherry flavored popsicles and ice. I hate cherry flavored anything, but labor does weird things to the mind. I turned on Scrubs (television lands on #14 of my all time favorite things) and the wait began...

"Yes. YES. I would like the epidural! YESPLEASEKTHANKSBYEDOCTORMAN!"

I had held out long enough. It should be known that prior to going into labor I had this grand plan of what my labor would look like. Wanna know what I thought it would look like?
1. I would breathe like I had taken yoga for five years instead of whining about how "I should take yoga"...for five years.
2. I would walk around and pause, letting contractions wash over me like a birthing goddess and people would marvel over my birthing goddessness.
3. I would have my ipod playing a thoughtfully planned birthing mix and we would cry and get excited and cry again when the right songs played.
4. My hair would've looked a lot better.

But, I forgot my ipod at home so none of this went down. I proceeded to eat ice pops and tell my mom "this is the first and only grandchild you're ever getting out of me so I hope you're happy" repeatedly. I became THAT woman, when the going got tough. Luckily, I had an AMAZING team of nurses to guide me along and support me. I will say that much about my birthing experience. The nurses made it bearable. My doctor, for some reason, could not be there for my labor and I was introduced to the guy that would be. Remember that scene from "Knocked Up"? Well, I couldn't find the right clip on Youtube, so this one will have to do. But my doctor was kind of a step up from that being that he asked me politely, but with a slight off-putting grin, if he could "pop my waters" (my water had not broken) and then proceeded to go to Barnes and Noble. How do I know he went to Barnes and Noble? Because he told me "I'm gonna go and get some coffee and read at Barnes and Noble". This was the man I trusted to fist me periodically throughout the evening to check my progress. I considered becoming a lesbian after that, what with my hatred of men growing by the minute. I know you can't just BECOME a lesbian, but if freshman year of college taught anybody anything it was that you could for a little bit, if you wanted to.
So things are going kind of okay. I'm sucking down water and chewing ice cubes like I'm going to win something (hint: I DID win something! You'll find out at the end of the post!), people are doting on me and I can't feel the pitocin they had me hooked up to because I ~~had used jedi mind tricks~~ asked for an epidural and was marveling over how awesome the world was and I no longer wanted to be a lesbian. None of this would prove effective for actually HAVING a baby. My body just wasn't having it. I have a small pelvis. Jack ended up being 9lbs. 5oz. and after about three hours of strenuous pushing and no progress, we began considering a c-section.
I cried.
They wheeled me into the OR and did what they had to do. It was kind of like Inception. Only instead of being really confused at the end, I had a baby.

March 8th, 2008

I awoke from the anesthesia and looked into my sons eyes for the first time. It was like Christmas. It was like all the birthday wishes I'd ever made had been wrapped in a blanket. I smelled his head and fell in love.

It wasn't a perfect. But he was.

Friday Fondue

2011-04-07T09:41:00.006-07:00

Obsessed with this jacket (who doesn't love EmersonMade though?).
For my future daughter. Should I ever have one.
Genius.
I want to make/eat this NOW.
I want to paint a wall this color.
Songs That Have Been On Repeat-
"Burning"- The Whitest Boy Alive
"Heartless Romantic"- The Dears
"Pitseleh"- Elliott Smith
"No Key, No Plan"- Okkervil River
"Do You Believe In Destiny?"- The Fresh & Onlys
"When I'm With You"- Best Coast
"Black Cab"- Jens Lekman
Hawt.
I'm not really the biggest Angelina Jolie fan (not a hater or anything, there are just other actresses out there I like better) but this picture made me happy.
Outfit coveting in 3..2..1...
Oh, hi, yes, I'll take a 7 1/2.

For those about to catch up on sleep/eat/play/dance/laugh/watch a movie/drink/pick up some nice plants for your yard/maybe go out and get some frozen yogurt/chase your kids/relax/freak the geek out/check your mail for Netflix/wang chung tonight/kung fu fight/rock the casbah.....I salute you. Happy Weekend to all and to all a goodnight! THANK YOU VERY MUCH TUCSON!

.....okay...second wind has expired...Amanda out.

One Second Outfit Posts

2011-04-07T09:03:00.005-07:00

Swedish fish in the desert.

Sometimes vanity lacks a second party photographer.

Ants On A Log

2011-04-07T09:01:00.000-07:00

Some people feel like a parent when the big moments happen. The first steps, the first words, goals achieved, milestones passed. I've always found it in different places. When I step on a toy car. When I pluck Panda off the floor and find myself holding him just a second longer, smelling the top of his over loved head before setting him somewhere more civilized than the floor. The floor, with it's shoes that bring dirt in from the park. Parks that, three years ago, I never cared about. Too old to appreciate the swings anymore.
Today I found it in these-

I haven't had ants on a log since, well, probably since I was close to Jack's age. But we had the ingredients, I had the time and it seemed like a good idea. How many times have you wished for somethings that "were around when I was a kid"? I still think Nick Jr dropped the ball when they dropped Eureeka's Castle. I spent quite some time filling in those celery stalks with peanut butter and placing raisins in their designated spots, making sure there was a proper peanut butter/raisin/celery ratio.

For some reason I felt a great pleasure in this otherwise mundane task. Relishing in the almost meditative quality of it. Being absolutely boring can be underrated. My brain unwired, my hands busy, the music on, the kitchen empty of people; it was a moment.

And then it was gone.

The Doors and Me

2011-04-06T08:00:00.014-07:00

Through years of casual observation, I’ve noticed that friends of mine either completely love or flat-out loathe The Doors. Doors front man Jim Morrison tends to be described as either “deity” or “buffoon,” depending on the person's mouth these words are falling out of, though not exclusively from each camp. I happen to like them, The Doors. Him. Jim.

It was probably my junior year in high school when I, for a lack of a better word, opened myself up to The Doors. The boys I crushed on usually talked about them in the midst of deep discussions of classic rock album catalogs, and since they rarely failed me in recommending music, I went to the local Target and picked up the two-disc Legacy compilation, a perfect Doors starter kit.

I went home and drew a bath, as was my usual nightly ritual, and put on Disc One in my bathroom-appointed CD player. The Doors’ first single, “Break On Through (To the Other Side),” off their self-titled debut album, poured from those tiny speakers, reverberating across the bathroom tiles.

You know the day destroys the night
Night divides the day
Tried to run
Tried to hide
Break on through to the other side

By the time "The End" came on, my bathwater had turned cold. I laid there mesmerized, unaware of my pruning violet fingertips or my pending homework. Unaware of the day, now almost over; of my little brothers or my parents; I was now looking well beyond those boys who recommended the music to me in the first place. I was a slate wiped clean, and one thing filled it back up- sexuality.

I know it's a cliché to wax on about how Jim Morrison was sex poured into leather pants, bellowing on about Native American Shaman and lizards, but it was the mix of dark and light that pulled me in. He was Dark and Mysterious, yes, but underneath it was a man dying for something sacred, as was I.

My makeshift bathroom séance was not the first time I’d heard of The Doors. Through my parents I had cultivated a love of classic rock in my early years. My dad would fill the house with Led Zeppelin or Pink Floyd and, sometimes, even Neil Diamond. I remember my mother getting a wild hair up her ass one night and hijacking me from my room because she HAD to go pick up a copy of an Ozzy Osbourne album she realized she’d lost years ago. And so we drove home singing, riding the metaphorical "Crazy Train," and feeling, well, like a couple of wild and crazy broads. They had their jams, but The Doors were my thing. My parent's weren't that big on ‘em—they knew songs, but never bought any of their stuff. Meanwhile, my girlfriends mostly rejected The Doors right off the bat in favor of Dashboard Confessional (another post entirely) and music in the same vein. Again, that ‘60s L.A. foursome remained my thing.

The Doors’ music relaxes me in a way I struggle to put into words. It pulls out my inhibitions and replaces them with reckless abandon. I slip into a different skin entirely. Suddenly I’m a dog with my head sticking out of the car window. I’m jumping into the deep end with both feet, on a moonlight drive. And yes, I am ready and willing, onto the next Whiskey bar.

About a year ago, while celebrating a friend’s birthday, enough cocktails drove the conversation from giddy laughter into talk of strippers and strip clubs. I’d never been to one. "You know what we SHOULD do...."

As we walked into our designated gentleman’s club, the lighting instantly threw me off. Despite the half-naked entertainers working the club, I felt even more uncomfortable within my own clothed skin. I knew what the majority of the patrons were there for, but my intentions were more in the spirit of fun and games, like a reverse-bachelorette party. I felt a little weird knowing that by being there I was wasting these girls' time, as they were earning a living and I was merely taking up precious real estate, sipping my Midori Sours. I felt uptight and weird. Then my friend decided she was going to buy me a dance.

"Nooooo. No way. No. No. Nah uh. No."
"Yes. Just one. You have to. This is probably your first and only time here. I've had one before. They're fun!"
"No. Maybe. One more drink… And if I see a girl I like/respect/can talk to. Maaaaybe."

I texted Greg in various stages of my intoxication and regaled him with stories of who I saw and what could happen."

"Do it!"
"You're just saying that because you're a guy."
"Well, don't do it if you're uncomfortable. But you ARE at a strip club. Trust your instincts."
"Fine.”

I sat back down and waited for The Right Moment, noting the paying customers around me so I’d know what to do with my body language. Watching the dancers to see where mentally they were at. Normally I’d be much too emotionally sensitive to be in a strip club, but there I was. The hours passed; my Lap Dance Window closing. I would go down as a prudish square, on this the day of my friend’s birthday. And then....

A song.

And a girl. A lithe, blue-eyed blonde with all the tenacity in the world. A twenty was exchanged and I got my first and last lap dance. I tried to focus on just the song, and despite the fact that I was totally out of my element, at some point, it WAS fun. I felt like girl, a woman, in the oddest way. She may not have been Dark and Mysterious, but in a flurry of body glitter, distorted guitars and a faux-Shaman warning of Mister Mojo Rising, I broke on through.

Just the way Jim would've wanted it.

And here's a few of my favorite Doors tunes. Bathtub not required.

We're All Mad (about Devendra) Here...

2011-03-31T13:26:00.004-07:00

So I think by now it's no surprise that I'm totally in love with all things Devendra (music, looks, crazy hippie secular being vibe, music) Banhart. But my family digs him as well. Going through some old pics and video I cam across Jack dancing around in the kitchen to one of his favorite Banhart songs-

*Sorry this is sideways.
*I'd recommend turning it down. He has a pretty sharp screech at :13.
*He's screeching along to this-

(specifically the part at 2:39)

Hello, is it me you're looking for?

2011-03-29T09:47:00.004-07:00

So, I have an idea for a fun sort of game. Tell me who you are! I have a dreadful case of writers block (among other things) and instead of searching things out like I've been trying to do with no result, I think I'll take the "maybe by distracting myself it will come to me" approach. In the meantime, I'd like to know who YOU are! Feel free to post anonymously, if you please. But tell me a bit about yourself and what brings you here, where are you from and what makes you happy. Any suggestions for this blog? Recommendations for movies or books? Questions? I'm opening the floor up.

90's Nostalgia

2011-03-29T08:14:00.002-07:00

Everybody Shoops

When I was a little girl I kinda wanted to hang out with Salt N' Pepa (and DJ Spinderella! HOLLA!). They were badasses.

Cut The Fat

2011-03-22T12:48:00.009-07:00

I'm a big 'ol failure. My 30 Day Dare project went totally MIA and I've been beating myself up about it on the regular. But the truth is, it failed for a reason. It was stupid. It's kinda dumb for me to saddle myself with tasks that in the long run only merely amount to "hey, I did this for a month!" I took my perpetual need for change and turned it into a goal instead of a lifestyle. I lucked out in choosing going vegan for a month because it turned out to be truly enlightening and did actually effect me for the better, so it wasn't a complete bomb. But I sat down with my thinking cap and got to writing down what I feel will TRULY help me.

Cut The Fat: Ideas For The Betterment Of Your Shit

* Come up with a monthly meal plan. Don't be afraid to experiment.

* Put together fourteen outfits you LOVE. Mix and match, make them transitional, take pictures to remember if you have to. What's the point in wearing clothes you only feel lukewarm about? Donate the rest.

* Weed out the music on your Ipod/Itunes/whathaveyou. I collect A LOT of music and sometimes I do grow out of it, download random things without REALLY listening, etc. If it doesn't make me feel sublime or inspire me than it doesn't belong there anymore.

*Make more plans with people you can't live without/haven't seen in a long time/inspire or ground you.

*Read more books, less internet. Remember how that felt?

*Find new places for (cheap) thrills.

I can start on those first. And I'm playing for keeps, not just thirty days.

More to come...

Like A Boss

2011-03-21T14:54:00.005-07:00

Today was a special day. Today I achieved the "because I said so" badge on my motherhood scouts sash.

Battle Of The Wills (2008)

At some point, after the tantrums, after you've bent over backwards to please, after you've been stepped on and dissed, you have to use your mom card.

"I am the boss of your life! Now get into this stupid car cart that I'm going to awkwardly push around the store and narrowly avoid wrecking displays of peanut butter with....now."

Mama didn't raise no fool. But sometimes she has to raise her voice.

Friday Fondue

2011-03-18T10:10:00.005-07:00

It seems like I'm always doing these, these days. The weekdays have been moving by fairly quickly and in between trying to go out and hone a hobby of writing about bands at night and being a mother by day, everything else has fallen a tad behind. It's making me slightly grouchy, so I apologize for all the fluffery that's been going down here lately. I need to take the oil can to my brain...

But! Here's Firday Fondue-

Prreettttyyy, preeeeeetttty, preetttty good.
These will make your uterus smile.
And I want to try this out. Yes, I'm legitimately obsessed with Pinterest.
If I ever have another child, this is in order!
This would be a funny coffee table read.
I'm absolutely IN LOVE with this site. After Jack goes to bed, if I'm not doing something I should have been doing long before Jack went to bed, I'm reading articles from there. Hilarious and thought provoking, I can't get enough of it.
I was also struck by the beauty in Rebecca's newest post.
Yes please!!
How'd you like one of these?!
Want.
Dream bed.
Adorable pad.
My prescription for a Sunday? Listen to this and make out with somebody you love.
YES! I need to meet this child's parents.

It's off to the park and Dexter catching up via Netflix, lazing about and hopefully not eating tooooo much. Have a happy weekend mah dears!

I heart Tina Fey

2011-03-16T08:20:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I checked my mail and among junk mail offering up produce sales and our auto insurance was a familiar face-

It's no secret to those that know me that I'm obsessed with Tina Fey. I grew up watching SNL, begging my parents to let me stay up late to catch it at the age of six. When I was thirteen or so I wanted to be a writer or actor for the show and I wrote a letter to Lorne Michaels explaining my aspirations and plans on getting there. I joined my high school drama class and worked on improvs. But reality is a bitch. Moving to New York would be expensive and I didn't believe I had what it took to make it that far, so I remained a fan instead of a performer and tossed the NYU performance art newsletters that came in the mail periodically.
When Tina Fey came on the scene she was such a breath of fresh air for somebody like me. A girl who wanted to be perceived as smart and witty BEFORE being perceived as sexy. A girl who relied on humor to get her through a lot. She's probably one of my top role models, and not only for myself, but for young women on a whole.
Anyway, as I eagerly devoured the article I came across a quote from her that turned my day around (I was having a shitty one prior to checking my mail)-

(On who's the boss of her)
"My Daughter- Kids are definitely the boss of you. Anyone who will barge into the room while you're on the commode is the boss of you. And when you explain to them that you're on the commode and that they should leave but they don't? That's a high-level boss."

Tina Fey, I salute you.

Who's the Springiest Of Them All...

2011-03-14T13:10:00.003-07:00

Yesterday I went out to run a couple errands on my own. No child to buckle in and out of his carseat or be insanely cautious on the road for. No big plans or expectations for the day. Nowhere I NEEDED to be. Nobody I needed to impress or answer to. I drove with the window down and despite the fact that I had only about two hours of sleep the night prior, I felt invigorated. I felt happy and calm and at peace with the world. It was the most happy over absolutely nothing I've felt since I was seventeen, before the world got so complicated. I think Spring, with it's powers of renewal and temperate weather found its way under my tired skin. I breathed, long and smooth and content. Turned up the radio...

And drove into the horizon, meeting it's infiniteness with a smile this time.

Hello, welcome to Lullabies...

2011-03-09T09:16:00.006-07:00

I've noticed that I've had a few new followers in the last couple months and I figured it would be a good time to re-introduce myself to newcomers or guests popping on in for a look. You like what you see my friend?

Here's a bit about myself-

* My name is Amanda. I don't particularly like this name (lifetime taunting from schoolboys saying "A MAN! DUH!" and "Amanda Hug and Kiss" left a bitter taste in my mouth regarding my moniker), but it's all I've ever known.
* I'm twenty-three years old and feel as though that number should be flipped.
* I have a three year old son named Jack. You've likely heard or will read about him here often. He's pretty neat and gives me a lot of material to work with. Plus I love him.
* I'm obsessed with music. Like, in love with it. I know what you're thinking "if you love it so much, why don't you marry it?!" Well, I'm working on it...
* I'm also obsessed with: fashion and clothing, different time periods, beautiful things, burlesque, reading, poetry, drinks (I call myself a "drinkie", like a "foodie" but more liquid-y), movies and pop culture, coincidences, cats that act like dogs and dogs that act like people, making lists, Mexican and Italian food, comedy, rainy weather and the delightful little desert town I call home (I realize that my fondness for rain and said desert town are opposing likes, but that's kind of how I roll).
* Speaking of music, a lot of the time you'll find a song at the end of a post. Ever since I've started listening to music I've been reciting lyrics that go along with whatever I happen to be going through at the time. This eventually translated over to my blogging and I started putting a song to go along with the story. It's "the moral of the story", if you will. I hope you don't mind.
* I *TRY* to be as vegan as I can as of late. At worst I'm a pretty lazy vegetarian. And when I start feeling like Charlie Sheen I occasionally have a Sonoran dog (usually this happens in times of great PMS, or as I like to call it "Shark Week") like the Tucson lifer I am. I'll never ingest tiger's blood though.
* My bad habits- picking my split ends, biting my cuticles, preference for naps over human affection sometimes, crying easily...
* But I make a kick ass chili so that should even things out.
* I've been blogging for about eight years, starting with a now defunct-due-to- impulsive-purging Livejournal (I really wish I could go back and read what my sixteen year old self had to say about the world or that boy in English class...), a stint on Myspace and now Blogger.
* Sometimes you might find yourself saying "what the hell is this girl going on about?" I wonder this a lot too.

Here's a picture of what you've gotten yourself into-

"Hi. My name is Amanda and I like things."

Thank you for reading and love you all.

Photo Dump (mmm sounds appetizing!)

2011-03-07T15:21:00.018-07:00

My 30 Day Dare went MIA this month. When the computer crashed I stopped taking pictures because I couldn't upload them and I was waiting for the news of whether the pictures that were on the hardrive, the music, everything, could be recovered. If they couldn't-

But since they did...

So here you go-

The Jons at Che's Lounge (blurry yes, AWESOME music? YES!)

Cow friends I stumbled upon.

Minus one computer+cabin fever= list making madness. I somehow managed to make BLOGGING into a list. I started drinking whiskey with some bartender named Lloyd shortly after...

Jack getting cracked out on the biggest churro I've ever seen. Signs of a churro habit include sugar glazed smiling, saying "OH YEAH" a lot and then running in circles.

Since my mother-in-law knew I'd be home all day alone with Jack on my birthday she came by with some treats from AJ's (AKA- Purveyor Of Bomb Ass Confections!) and a gift card to Target!

From my book on the British Invasion.

My trinket catchall.

One of my favorite accessories.

The only person I allow to steal my blankets (Greg gets a cold foot on the thigh if he attempts such things).

The lovely Mrs. Sydney and myself at the Mod Foto Au-Go-Go party Saturday. You can read her blog here!

Dress- vintage via Preen
Tights- Target
Shoes- Famous Footwear (and the most comfortable heels for dancing if ever such a shoe existed!)

And there you have it. A lot of random pictures.

Friday Fondue

2011-03-04T14:10:00.003-07:00

I've got a long weekend lined up in the best kind of way. Since my birthday fell on a Tuesday we decided we'd do something this Saturday. My in-laws will be having us over for dinner and general merriment and Saturday night I have a little event lined up that I've been looking forward to for a couple weeks. I've got a feeling Sunday will be devoted to curing a headache...

So! Here's what tickled my fancy on the web this week!

Found this to be hilarious (though NSFW or young ears as there are some curse words).
Love these initial pendants and this "Little Lady" harmonica!
Cake Wrecks made me struggle to keep coffee from ruining my keyboard with these gems.
Some adorable looks via Lookbook.
Oh Modcloth, you do me so right!
Gorgeous Oaxacan buildings.
So adorable I wanted to scream.
I think this photo of Natalie Portman is lovely.
Why we miss Clarissa Explains It All.
Oh the hours I could waste at Pinterest. Insta-inspiration.
I've had this song stuck in my head for a couple days now.

And that's all for now! I haven't done much internet cruising, mostly catching up after the Great Crash of 2011. I'm planning on errands and Netflix tonight (making Greg watch "The Last Exorcism" because I'm the worst wife ever!) and enjoying MAYBE a wee bit of calm before the festivities. Here's wishing you all a wonderful weekend!

The Fetus Made Me Do It

2011-03-04T08:20:00.004-07:00

It's come to my attention that there are quite a few ladies of the blogosphere who are currently with child. Reading about the food cravings and aversions, the sonograms and moodiness have made me think about my own pregnancy. So! For fun I decided to write down all my pregnancy weirdness.

For starters, I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was almost three months along. I had irregular periods for years (sometimes even going so much as six months without one) so when mine didn't show up I figured "meh, I guess it's all off schedule again." I had just moved in with Greg and we were enjoying the freedoms of co-habitation. Basically, I was drinking rum and cokes every night, staying up late, eating more Chinese food than one really should, smoking, etc. My habits weren't what one would call "admirable". Once I suddenly COULD NOT STAND "eewwwww get the fuck away from me" cigarettes, I knew something was off. I called one of my girlfriends at the time and told her about my weird new aversions and she did what any good friend would do-
"You need to take a pregnancy test you moron."
"Okay. Fine......fuck."
I told Greg what was up and we went to the store to pick up a pregnancy test. It took the test about four of the estimated thirty seconds to tell me the result of my months of carelessness. I was pregnant. SO pregnant in fact that the test practically laughed in my face. I probably could have held the thing under my arm like I was taking my temperature and it would've had the same result. I. was. knocked. UP.
Once we knew we went back to the store and picked up the necessities for a vegetarian pregnancy. Because when I go, I go all the way. Not only was I going to be a mother, I was going to be vegetarian! A healthy, glowing, animal meat-free, baby making vessel. That lasted a good couple months...
Here is how everything else went down:

Month 3-4
Food cravings- HAD to have tomato soup with a gigantic spoonful of cream cheese and pepper in it at least twice a day. Salads with so many toppings on it it negated the fact that it was a salad, Italian orangeblood soda, blueberry smoothies, Eegee's or as I've now taken to calling it- "The Tucson Pregnancy Test" (every girl I've known that's gotten pregnant suddenly NEEDS to have Eegee's at all hours, I was not an exception).
Aversions- Wakefulness. I was hit with fatigue so hard I pretty much lived in our bed from month 2-4.
Weird behaviors- A strong urge to watch Sex and the City re-runs. The ones where Miranda is pregnant. And our roomates dogs suddenly became my best friends, one of them taking on the role of guardian while Greg was at work. He would follow me from room to room and lay at my feet or watch me. When the other, a much too playful and gigantic Great Dane (who was still just a puppy) would try to accost me for mischief, guardian dog would herd her into another room and growl at her. I thought that dog trying to keep me safe was one of the sweetest things I'd ever seen.

Month 4-5
Food cravings- Hot Cheetos. Give the pregnant girl the hot cheetos and nobody gets hurt.
Aversions- None. This was the point where I was getting ready to eat EVERYTHING.
Weird behaviors- Being perma-horny. If you could get pregnant while still being pregnant I'd be Nadya Suleman right now.

Month 5-6
Food cravings- Sonoran hotdogs and sonoran hotdogs exclusively. By now my plans to be a glowing earth mama went out the window and I started my morph into Rosie O'Donnell. Don't know what a sonoran dog is? Check out this clip-

Before Adam Richman, I was at Guero Canelo every other day, elbow deep in about six doggies.
Aversions- Not eating.
Weird behaviors- Crying jags. I would cry a lot.

Month 6-7
See above.

Month 7-8
Food cravings- Coconut curry popcorn shrimp, egg drop soup, lo mein.
Aversions- Getting dressed, being asked "when are you due?"
Weird behaviors- The NEED to smell chemicals. Plastic, gasoline and leather being my main scents. I would sniff the shower liner and steal Greg's wallet and just sit in bed and inhale the leather.

Month 8-9
Food Cravings- Hamburgers, anything horrible for my waistline/health.
Aversions- Everybody.
Weird behaviors- Incessant cleaning...and the biting off of heads if things weren't clean enough! The night before I started going into labor I began scrubbing the carpet while simultaneously yelling at Greg for having his shoes on in the house and smudging (imaginary) dirt around.

What were your crazy pregnancy habits, cravings, loves?

The Unbearable Heaviness Of Growing

2011-03-03T14:25:00.003-07:00

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommmmmy!"
"OK, fine, you can come in here for a little bit. Five minutes and then it's bed time okay?"
"OK."

I listened to his approaching footsteps, his blanket dragging along, and I KNEW he'd have Panda lovingly head-locked in his arms. Jack curled up between us in the ditch we make from different sleeping patterns—the so-called Equator of Restlessness—as he made it his own. For whatever reason, he laid down by our legs, head hitting my hip, unlike the usual curly hairs tickling my nose, seizing its territory across my pillow.
I stared out the window, watching car lights hit the panes and travel across the walls. We all laid still, silent, calm. As I closed my eyes, a tiny hand reached up and tucked itself in my palm.

Never has this happened before. Jack is very catlike, doling out affection where he sees fit, pushing it away when it comes on too strong. Usually, I wait, watching for holes in his armor, sneaking kisses and cuddles through those holes when I can.

An even deeper silence fell over the room. There, our hands held each other for a mere minute, and then...

"I'm going to go to bed now."
"OK buddy, goodnight."
"Goodnight."

I watched Jack’s head disappear into his room and released the grip that held my chest together, exhaling the fumes of reality through my nose.

My baby is gone.

My baby is now but a mere memory, stored away as jpegs on my hard drive and old clothing folded in the back of the closet.

In less than a week Jack will be three, though I haven't fully accepted this fact. How could I? It seems like only yesterday that I locked him into his car seat for the first time, laying my head against his tiny armrest, gazing at him the entire way home. Both our eyes wet, adjusting to a new world, trying to see things in focus. I cried when a certain song came on. It was too much.

"This is too much. This is so big."

Last night, as his hand left mine, a tiny death occurred inside me. One neither of mourning nor regret, though I knew that moment would be one of the last of its kind. A young child looking for reassurance from his mother, reaching up to make sure she's still there. Reaching up...

He's chasing the world down, ready for more. My place has been reduced from motherly hovercraft and guardian angel to sideline sitter; now merely watching, pushing him on. He won’t need me to hold his hand much longer.

But I'll keep it within reach.

One thing is for sure...

2011-03-02T21:35:00.008-07:00

I always make passes at boys who wear glasses...

To those bespectacled, I salute you.

23 years

2011-03-01T08:31:00.006-07:00

When I was seventeen I imagined myself at twenty-three to be an independent woman. I was going to be an artist in one way or another. I was going to be a writer or a starving writer at the very least. A cliche in a studio apartment with packs of Parliament Lights aside my trusty laptop. I was going to be in love with a boy by then, I knew that much, because I always am. I was going to be stylish and clever and cut through the world with my own rules.
I'm twenty-three today.

I made myself a writer, in whatever way I see fit.
I suppose you can call me an artist...

I'm definitely in love with a boy...

I suppose some days I'm clever, when the coffee is brewed right. Stylish, when the hours are favorable.

I didn't expect twenty-three to look QUITE like it does right now. I guess I've cut through the world with my own rules. Ever changing, ever evolving.

Today I am twenty-three.

My body has changed and so has my heart, both better and worse for the wear. Softer, some seams fraying, some spots calloused and worn, some hairs out of place. I have my health, I have my mind, I have some dance moves tucked away for a special occasion. I have friends older and new, silver and gold. I have a song or two. I'm still singing...

Today I am twenty-three.

And I still recognized the face in the mirror this morning.

Technical Diffi-why-did-this-have-to-happen!!!

2011-02-25T23:31:00.002-07:00

Well, my computer went belly up (currently updating from a friends computer). It would seem our hardrive has crashed and the fine folks/wallet rapists at Computer Renaissance are repairing and trying to recover three years worth of memories. I believe we'll have it back by the weekend and I have PLENTY of stuff to update on. Funny how my computer crashing coincided with my having tons of ideas...

I just wanted to do a quick update, out of habit and the fact that I totally miss blogging/reading blogs (as nerdy as that sounds). Be back soon....

Friday Fondue

2011-02-18T07:40:00.004-07:00

Well, it's about time I do another one of these. Generally they're good placeholders for when I'm too tired and uninspired to write anything of substance. Which is where I'm at, at the moment.

Tonight my friend Colleen is walking in a fashion show downtown so I'll be going down there to cheer on her bad self and support local charities. And maybe have a margarita while I'm at it. Fashion+cocktails+good causes= a pretty decent night to me! But before that, here's what I've been diggin' this week.

Spanish Moss has been hitting all the right buttons on my "yes, please" switchboard. You can find their blog here and their store here. But my favorite items, if I had to narrow them down would have to be- this, this, this (I desperately need to find a kimono for those lazy Sunday mornings) and THIS!
I've been finding a lot of badass couches online lately. This one is up there on my favorites (although the price tag is not).
I love that Helena Bonham Carter stays true to herself despite the critics.
This would be ADORABLE in a little girls room.
I'm probably really late with this, my favorite clothing haunt has its own blog!
Going to have to make this soon!
The songs I've had on repeat for the last couple days? This one, because it's painfully gorgeous. This one, because I hadn't heard it in years but it randomly popped into my head the other day and this one, because I'm going to put it on a cd for Jack to give to him at some point.
Talk about taking it to the next level with grocery shopping!
One in every color, yes?
I want to put this in Jack's room.
The cutest clock I've ever seen.
I LOVE this apartment.
Need to laugh?
And lastly, my favorite. Because who doesn't like wino babies (thanks James!).

And I finally got to touching up my roots!

Wishing you all a happy weekend!

In the event...

2011-02-16T21:38:00.011-07:00

that you're wondering "what is Amanda thinking about at 10:32pm on a Wednesday night"...