Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Music Monday

It may just be easier on me if I start organizing this blog a tad better. Having designated days for things sort of takes the pressure off, and there IS pressure, since I haven't been posting as diligently as I used to. Hopefully this works.
I originally incorporated music into my Friday Fondue link roundup, but I feel as if the music portion doesn't get it's due respect. Music is an integral part of my life. If I'm not sleeping, working or focusing on projects and quality time with Jack, I'm thinking about, listening, devouring music when I can find it. From local bands to vintage tunes and everything in-between, it is what keeps my world on its axis. So! Without further adieu, here is my first Music Monday* post.

I found this song a few nights ago when I was having some trouble falling asleep. I was restless and knew I had to be up early which caused a bit of frustration. Until this song. So lovely it was that instead of letting it simply play, I had to get up, fumble around for my headphones and plug myself into it, creating a cocoon of blankets and dreamlike guitar work. I've been listening to it a lot since then...

*Yes, I realize it is Tuesday. Yesterday was a bit preoccupied so blogging took a backburner. Music Monday will resume on it's designated Monday next week.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Friday Fondue (Limited Holy-Crap-I-Actually-Have-A-Friday-Off Edition)

It's been awhile since I've done one of these posts and I was wary of doing another now that I'm working on a different computer (I currently use Colleen's MacBook and being a former Windows PC user I'm still getting the hang of things). But Pinterest I still browse* and music I still listen to, so I figured "why not?!"

*The more you know *insert rainbow*!

*Obsessed with awesome, pretty, swoon-worthy bathrooms lately (or maybe I just need a long soak in a bubble bath).

What would be on my Christmas wishlist? How about these babies-
* A plethora of adorable playsuits.
* Something that appeals to my gramophone fetish AND my i-tunes.
*Ummmm HER HAIR! Gahhhh gorgeous. I'm trying to resist running to the store for my trusty red dye.
* Always shoes, always.

* I adore Ryan's tales of his relationship with his lovely wife Cole. Such a hilarious and awesome couple.

* This Thanksgiving my roommates and I will be holding a vegan feast of friends before the actual holiday (Colleen has dubbed it "Thanksliving", yes, she is a vegan AND a punster). I'll be testing out my vegan cooking skills again by making vegan stuffing. I'll also be blogging the event, naturally.

Music Of The Week-
* I'm addicted to this song and it's video- "Jackson" by Stone Jack Jones.
* A cover of one of my favorite songs- "Heroes" covered by Magnetic Fields
* The always etherial Beach House with "I Don't Care For The Winter Sun".
* I never get sick of Bob- "Queen Jane Approximately" by Bob Dylan
* "Message To Pretty" by Love
* "The Radio's Hot Sun" by Handsome Furs

And a Happy Friday to you all!

*If you want to see what else I have pinned to walls, you can check me out on Pinterest here.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

My Day In A Few Sentences

He buried his head into my shoulder, hitting the tender part between the bone and the joint, the part I've worn thin from countless swim practices before him. It is all sweaters and fall weather outside and here we are on the couch watching the same movie for the third time. He is the only person in the world I would tolerate that from.

He wraps his arm around mine, a lazy smile evolves and...

"My mom is here."

And no moment in the history of moments, no words in the history of words has ever mattered so much.

If I could finish wiping the tears off of the surfaces that they fell on I could take him on the picnic I promised him.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Dear Jack

I feel like it's been awhile since I've written one of these. It's not that I've forgotten but mostly it's a lack of words that match what's going on in my head. The dots do not connect, the lines are colored outside of- this seems to be the theme of things lately. We recently celebrated our first Halloween, just you and me. You were Ang from Avatar, which seems to be your favorite show as of late (I miss the Yo Gabba Gabba days. Can we go back to the Yo Gabba Gabba days?). I didn't dress up. It seemed like a challenge to take on another persona when it feels like I have so many to juggle lately. I only wanted to be one thing for the evening anyway- your mother. I've only ever wanted to be your mother, even when I didn't know it.
Things are crazy right now little prince. They are hard and more than anything I want to say "I'm sorry" for all of this. For the split times and different houses. It must all seem weird and I feel it too. I want to give you more and when I'm working with half of more it's difficult to not feel like I made a mistake somewhere. Gambled too hard, leaped before looking. Some would say I've done this before and I have.

And then there was you, and now I gamble in a different way.

I will continue to put it all on the line, fall from heights unknown- for you. And right now even though this all seems like a pain in the ass, fruitless; one day I will be able to look at you and know I did the right thing.

I wish the world was as it was explained to us when I was your age. A tender fairytale where all dragons are slayed and a happily ever after is promised for all. I will be the first to tell you that this is not how it works. It is much more complex, more nuanced, harder to swallow. But in the end real life is better-

Because this is real. And this is worth fighting for, even if the battle is of my own doing.

Eventually little prince, this will all make sense. Eventually you'll know what living true to oneself feels like and I hope you'll understand where I'm coming from.

I love you more than you can fathom.


(This song is actually a little piece of why I named you Jack).

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


Almost as soon as I collected my baggage after landing back in Tucson an odd sort of melancholy set in. I suspected it was normal.

"You just came back from the first vacation you've had in years, from a city you've always loved. This is normal." I kept telling myself this but after a week it began to sound a tad...pathetic.

I've lived in Tucson for over eighteen years, Arizona my entire life. It took half that time for my heart to fully embrace it instead of daydreaming about the Greyhound busses that would take me away to a more glamorous city like some cheesy '80s movie. Eventually those busses just looked dirty and I grew wise enough to know that those "dreams" were impractical (how would someone with zero dance training make it as a Broadway actress in New York City at 17) and my roots started to drop. I found the spots in this city that felt like home and eventually I (tried) to make my own. Until I didn't.

When I got pregnant and eventually married, Greg and I had moved to the north side of Tucson. While I found myself in a new world of motherhood and partnership, the world that I left behind moved on, and quickly. Fast forward to now and one marriage ended, life changing, self reinventing back in the place I had once found comfort in before and- I feel lost.

When I got on that plane to go to Seattle it felt like I was flying into a new version of myself.

"This is it. You are on your own."

Feeling new in a new city was a solid form of symbolism and it felt right. When I got back and felt lost in a city that should have felt like home, a sort of personal crisis set in. Who am I? What am I doing here? What's next?

And then a revelation set in right in time with our annual All Souls Procession that rocked me so hard with symbolism and poignancy that all I've wanted to do this week is lay in bed and cry. It happened when I took a walk in my new-old neighborhood, on a perfect Fall afternoon- a couple years ago Jack was learning how to walk on these sidewalks. A couple years ago we took a chance on each other with hope in our hearts and good intentions. A couple years ago I had a family to visit on Sundays and dinners to make for faces familiar. A couple years ago I didn't imagine myself on these sidewalks alone.

My home has become a graveyard of memories. Nostalgia biting me in the heels just as soon as I start feeling confident again, pointing out the things that are no longer and the feelings that came with them.

And so, I'm trying to learn how to love my city again in a new way. Even with the memories that go bump in the night and sidewalks that hold ghosts underneath, good and bad.

A couple nights ago the streets downtown were filled with people remembering the lives of loved ones lost, celebrating lives all around; faces painted like sugar skulls and sage burning in the air, they marched along to music and memories. For the first time since I got back I felt like I was in the right place.

I guess I'm back home, or at least as much as my heart will allow for these days.